Finding it hard....

[TheQueens]

So I'm a step parent to a 6 year old and have my own 1 year old, have a DH, work 4 days a week 12.5 hour shifts. Just a bit of information incase any maybe relevant...

I am finding step parenting harder and harder, my step child is quite well behaved and a nice kid but the upheaval when they are here for 3 days just stresses me out so much that I don't enjoy it at all and I am in fact beginning to really despise the time they are here. The extra mess, the occasional cheekiness, always needing attention and entertaining, the constant demand for food/pocket money/to go anywhere expensive drives me mad. There is always an arrangement of when they will be taken home but it's never, ever, stuck to by their mother, she always has an excuse as to why they can't go home or need to stay another night with us or times get changed etc. It really pisses me off and can quite often ruin plans I make with my own child due to needing use of the car!

She has also claimed to her father that my DH doesn't pay child support, he does, it leaves our joint account on the first of every month. Her father sent my DH abuse messages until he sent him PDF's of all the payments. There is just always a drama and I'm so sick of it all. Sick of the mess, sick of the uncertainty of when step child will be going home and sick of the drama. I feel like it effects my relationship with my own child, I'm not even looking forward to Christmas this year, just want it over and done with I'm working anyway but feel there will be some drama at some point and I'm just feeling really down with it all at the minute.

Can someone just please offer some support? I don't know what I'm even looking for, someone in the same situation, a kick up the arse, some sound advice on how to cope with these negative feelings towards step child?

Thank you for reading anyway

You even say the child is nice and well behaved so it's not as if they are misbehaving to cause you irritation. It's simply for existing thats unfair.

It's time for you to change your approach to this. Sort out the adult related drama side and don't attach it any way to the child involved. That kid needs and deserves to feel nothing but love (or at least good behaviour and kindness) from you.

I honestly think you are being really over the top about what I said, I don't treat my step child awfully in any way, I do a lot for them, their father always comments how much they love me and how good i am with them, I don't let my feelings show to my step child nor do I treat them badly at all and I never said as much in my original post. I was asking for advice on how to cope with my stress/feelings not describing how I treat the child. I also never said that I hate the child anywhere in my post. Are you a step parent?

Argh maybe I have written my post wrong. I absolutely do not treat the child differently in anyway. I help with pick up and drop offs where I can, arrange activities, bake with them etc. If there is a choice of me or their father to do something e.g. read bedtime story they always pick me! I'm not awful to the child at all I'm just having a hard time with feelings about the situation at the minute. Please don't attempt to bash me for something I am not doing.

Please ignore those posters

I think the main issue here is the uncertainty isnt it? Could your partner sort it with the ex to ensure contact us as it should be and no more last min extras? Emergencies - fine but no pratting because she just fancies an extra night alone.

I feel like a set routine would be beneficial here.

I also think leave the work to your dh. The mess etc - his problem. Try not to stress about it. Your 1yo will prob be cheeky and messy at 6 too

just stresses me out so much that I don't enjoy it at all and I am in fact beginning to really despise the time they are here shes a child and has a right to a relationship with her father and sibling. By you're own admission is a nice and well behaved child

the occasional cheekiness, always needing attention and entertaining, the constant demand for food/pocket money/to go anywhere expensive drives me mad shes 6 years old they dont under the value of money

There is always an arrangement of when they will be taken home but it's never, ever, stuck to by their mother Not the childs fault but what would happen if something happened to the mother and she lived at you're house full time. This is you're dh child.

It really pisses me off and can quite often ruin plans I make with my own child due to needing use of the car why does you're child trump you're dh child?

She has also claimed to her father that my DH doesn't pay child support, he does, it leaves our joint account on the first of every month. Her father sent my DH abuse messages until he sent him PDF's of all the payments. There is just always a drama and I'm so sick of it all. Sick of the mess, sick of the uncertainty of when step child will be going home and sick of the drama. I feel like it effects my relationship with my own child, I'm not even looking forward to Christmas this year, just want it over and done with I'm working anyway but feel there will be some drama at some point and I'm just feeling really down with it all at the minute. Shes 6 she doesnt understand you're an adult dont put the blame on the child it's not fair her being dragged into this mess. As for being dramatic about christmas and it being spoilt because of a 6 year old that's completely unfair hence why I said what I said in my reply. Hopefully reposting bits of you're post you will see just how bad you've come across. Btw it doesnt effect you're relationship with you're child they are a 1 year old baby you're using it as an excuse to exclude step child because she doesnt fit into you're fmaily mould of you're perfect family.

Thanks @bollykecks he has tried and tried, has turned up with child and at times the mother just hasn't been home as arranged, it's a 60 mile round trip each time. What can he do if she refuses to take her child back at the arranged time? It's no exaggeration to say its every week. The leaving the extra work is quite hard for me, maybe I'm just a little on edge but when they living room is upside down and they have moved onto another room that's being trashed I just despair and start tidying myself! I'm pretty certain you will be right about mine being cheeky and messy at 6, I think they are half way there at 1

You havent come accross bad at all. posters just like to stick the boot in. Welcome to the ex wives club, op.

Honestly @ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 I appreciate you taking the time to go through my post and make your points but I think the way I have explained my situation hasn't resonated quite how I would of like it to with you. I will address a few points though, fair enough they don't understand the value of money I hadn't really thought about that, lf they lived here full time then the last minute messing about would never happen and life wouldn't be as chaotic, maybe easing some of my stress! I didn't say my child trumped his but if I make plans I can't do last minute when I thought I had access to MY car I am within my rights to be pissed off, I didn't necessarily say the child was ruining my christmas but my feelings on the situation and if I feel I can't spend quality time with my own child on my days off then yes, it does affect our relationship from my point of view.

You didn't answer if you are a step parent?

Thanks @Bollykecks I'm leaving it at that and hoping some different posters may be able to offer some advice or have been in a similar situation, I'm sure there will be!

My husband is a step parent he treats all dc the same .

So is op chaos. And with all due respect step parenting is an entirely different ballgame when youre a woman.

I disagree often or not the step father takes on a more parental role than a step mother as they are with the mother of the child who usually has majority of care, I actually think its far more harder for a step father than a step mother, however it's rather step father voice their concerns often or not they just get on with it, I also dont think men are threatened by " another persons child" in the same way women are. My DH has played are more active father role than my ex due to circumstances.

Its really not. You clearly have no idea whatsoever. Men get hailed as heros for "taking on another mans kids" when in reality all they did is move in with a woman with kids. They dont do all the shit work.

Women on the other hand get accused of stepping on toes trying to push the mother out. Doing too much. Doing to little. Being too involved. Not caring enough. Pushing a relationship. Being a cold hearted bitch.

You cannot win as a step mum. As this thread and your reaction to it has proved.

Ds has a really lovely Sm no issues what so ever shes a very pleasant women there is a mutual respect for both sides. There is also a mutal respect for the fact that my dh has been a father figure to ds so much so that when ds was in trouble it was dh who rushed to his aid, so dont for a second undermine a man's role in being a step father and make a step mothers role more important. For a start a step father is more likely going to develop a deeper bond by living in the same household where as a child will see a step mother 2 a week on average.

I understand where you’re coming from; when I became a step parent I (probably quite naively) thought it was about taking on a child which has been the easy part as the real challenge is accepting that her mum now has an element of control over my life and that her mums decisions effect my life. That’s been even harder since having my DD to accept that his ex gets to have an impact on my child both in terms of changing plans and the drama she caused at times. Essentially it’s not about the child but the ex and in any other situation you’d never have to accept your partners ex having an ongoing role in his or your life.
Over time I’ve learnt to accept it to an extent but I also don’t let it effect my plans with our DD; if my DSDs mum changes plans and we have something planned then that takes priority as I was finding that my DD was losing out and that wasn’t fair either.

Interesting that MNHQ have deleted your first comment @ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 it just goes to show you were being inappropriate and hadn't read my post correctly. Thanks again @bollykecks I agree with every point you are making.

My Six year old doesnt trash any room, there is no need for that, get her to tidy up

Thanks @user1493413286 that's how I'm feeling it's not a jealously thing or a personal dislike towards her really as we have got on well in the past I just wish I bloody knew what was going on in my life every week! I plan our lives (activities etc) around pick ups/drop offs etc and it just never works out that way for example we may all decide to go swimming near step childs mothers house, she decides not to take child back that evening so it's been a complete waste of our time being in that area when we could have done something closer to time and not wasted petrol money. DH barely pulls her up on it either as doesn't want it to have an effect on the child. I totally get that but then she gets away with messing us around every time and it's just not acceptable but she has us by the balls really and what can we do? It's the only thing that comes between us.

Thanks @isadoradancing123 this is the kind of constructive thing I needed, a bit of a comparison to how other 6 year olds behave as well! Sweet wrappers left lying, toothpaste all over a towel are just a couple of things from today 🙈

chaos sweetheart i didnt say it was more important now did i?

Its very different. Youre not a step mother so i wouldn't expect you to know.

Wrappers i would be telling her to pick up. Toothpaste i couldnt get annoyed about!

Hi TheQueens I can completely understand where you are coming from. Nothing in your OP came acreiss as you being a wicked sm tormenting your stepchild !! BUT you need to know that the 'step parent ' board has changed from being a place to get help and advice negotiating the incredibly difficult job of being a step parent - to a place haunted by bitter ex partners to vent their spleen upon anyone who has had the audacity to have a relationship or (god forbid) marry the father of their children..

Your problem is without doubt related to the uncertainty in the arrangements. I have been a sm for 15 years to 4 dsc. From when the youngest was 3... I also have 3 dcs... If I had had to deal with that level of pissing around I would also have been driven nuts and would have ended up resenting the dsc.

Your DH needs to sort this out. You also have to step back from the clearing up. It's his job not yours. ! I would also take a portion of the time they are with you to go out/to friends/family with your little one and get him to parent on his own for a bit. The two fold benefit is that left to do all the work on his own will mean he will feel more inclined to deal with the ex.. as well as the 3 yr old getting a little 121 time with dad.. which is always a good thing. Not too much though as the siblings need to bond and he needs to get used to you.

Good luck... my youngest dsc is 18 now .. it does get better and I really look forward to spending time with them now x

I would also really not take advice on step parenting from someone who hasn't been one. There really is no way anyone who is not in this position - could possibly understand what it's like to be in this position.
All new mothers are encouraged to 'put their child first' for baby to be their be all end all.... unless you are a step mother and then you are somehow meant to develop this superhuman power to subjugate your feelings and agree that you are not able to do this (for valid reasons) because their is another child in the mix.

The most important mantra to keep yourself going in the really tricky times is simply this .. ' the step child doesn't want to be in this position either.. and I am the adult here.. ' plaster on that smile when interacting with them and when you really can't anymore , remove yourself from the situation and get their parent to parent ..