Finding it hard....

[TheQueens]

So I'm a step parent to a 6 year old and have my own 1 year old, have a DH, work 4 days a week 12.5 hour shifts. Just a bit of information incase any maybe relevant...

I am finding step parenting harder and harder, my step child is quite well behaved and a nice kid but the upheaval when they are here for 3 days just stresses me out so much that I don't enjoy it at all and I am in fact beginning to really despise the time they are here. The extra mess, the occasional cheekiness, always needing attention and entertaining, the constant demand for food/pocket money/to go anywhere expensive drives me mad. There is always an arrangement of when they will be taken home but it's never, ever, stuck to by their mother, she always has an excuse as to why they can't go home or need to stay another night with us or times get changed etc. It really pisses me off and can quite often ruin plans I make with my own child due to needing use of the car!

She has also claimed to her father that my DH doesn't pay child support, he does, it leaves our joint account on the first of every month. Her father sent my DH abuse messages until he sent him PDF's of all the payments. There is just always a drama and I'm so sick of it all. Sick of the mess, sick of the uncertainty of when step child will be going home and sick of the drama. I feel like it effects my relationship with my own child, I'm not even looking forward to Christmas this year, just want it over and done with I'm working anyway but feel there will be some drama at some point and I'm just feeling really down with it all at the minute.

Can someone just please offer some support? I don't know what I'm even looking for, someone in the same situation, a kick up the arse, some sound advice on how to cope with these negative feelings towards step child?

Thank you for reading anyway

I am stepmother to a dss, in my previous relationship (for six years) I was sm to two (amazing!) dsds.

From my experience I would say this - other people's kids are annoying, that's just a fact. Biology has us adore our own children and feel something literally indescribable for them. It means that when they whinge/whine/demand things, yes it's bloody annoying but it doesn't make us dislike them. In other people's kids, there isn't that mother love to make us forgive all sins, so you can easily come to see the sdc as greedy/messy/lazy/demanding etc when actually they're just totally normal kids.

My first sdc, I loved them (still do in fact and we are in touch a lot!) but god it was irritating sometimes when they stayed. I threw myself head first into 'parenting' as I was young and naive and didn't have a clue. I therefore felt everything very intensely. With my current DSS; I love him but I don't try and be a parent in any way. I clean up after him as I would my own kids and I don't feel bothered because i just don't let myself. It is one of the prices of a dh with a child and I'm ok with that (dh tidies too!). He and his dad do at least one activity together every weekend just the two of them, often two activities. Sometimes we go out all together too, but their contact time is mainly for them. That takes the pressure off me as I don't need to try and entertain him or worry about what would entertain them all. We have a great, friendly, bantering relationship, he FaceTimes me quite often when he's at home so it's not that we aren't close, I just don't put myself in a parent place so I don't feel any parent pressures. Hard to describe but it works.

If he lived with us it would have to be different but he doesn't. He comes to see his father and I think it is so so important to respect that and to respect that if he was in his fathers home without a new partner there he wouldn't be judged by an outside perspective, he would be judged only through the lens of someone who loves him with that parent love.

It's clear from your words that you feel dislike for a lot of the aspects of this child, I think that's normal when you spend extended periods of time with someone else's kid. She's normal though, mess and carelessness is normal, ingratitude is normal as they don't have the true capability for it yet. Some are better 'trained' than others but she's just being a child in her father's home. Just lift yourself out of it mentally and let it wash over you.

Apart from the car bit - if he doesn't have his own car he needs to get one.

I sympathise. Being a step parent is hard enough but this thing with the constant changes in plans must be infuriating. And so infuriating that your DJ doesn’t say much/ cAnt change things. Being so out of control of your own life and that of your child is hArd. How often do you have dSS?

@MyKingdomForBrie Just been reading the thread and your post stood out. I have a similar approach to my DSD, I never tried to be a parent to her, but I clean up / cook etc as if I would for mine, or probably even more, if she was mine I'd tell her to do things herself a lot more... She's an angel in terms of behaviour though. Sometimes I worry I took the wrong approach (not that I'd had the emotional capacity to do it differently in the early years I knew her)...

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do. You sound kind and caring. Maybe you could talk to your husband about his ex changing plans willy nilly? That's clearly not fair on you, no matter their history.

patchworkpatty I was sadly thinking the same thing about this board; when people want support they’re getting some very skewed responses.
I also agree with MyKingdomForBrie since I had my DD I’ve understood the step parent boundaries a bit better and while I still put a lot of effort into my relationship with DSD I don’t try to mother her in the way I probably used to and I make sure DH is doing the parenting and that has made things more relaxed for me.

I feel your pain. My eldest stepson (18) dropped on us at the last minute this weekend that he'd like to stay an extra night as his mum was away (he's 18 - he's more than able to look after himself but I get the feeling that he just didn't want to). I think it would help if you had more certainty around schedules etc - it does change the dynamic when you have additional people in your house, even if those people are your extended family. I would get your husband to sort out the misunderstanding or whatever it is about the maintenance, and get him to make the ex stick to a schedule. It's not fair to mess you (or the child) around.

The issue OP is with your OH. He is the one who doesn't have boundaries.

He needs to make it clear to your SS mother that you both are not childcare and the boy will be handed over at the times agreed not when she feels like.

Also when he gets abusive messages from his son's mother or anyone in her family he should not be telling you about them until he has resolved the issue.

Hi @TheQueens you have my sympathy. I'm in exactly the same situation. My husband is disorganised and lazy and never knows when he's having his daughter until the day of. It's annoying as I will then get a text and be expected to have her room ready and tea done (she only eats beige food). It's not her fault but my god it gets on my nerves. I face each coming weekend with dread. Once she's here it's fine but it's the not knowing that really gets under my skin. No matter how much I ask my husband to even just organise a week in advance it doesn't happen and it's really frustrating. It makes me dislike my step child too. It's got harder since I've had my own baby so I just fake it until I might make it. I'm pleasant, I involve her, I take care of her and she's happy. But I probably wouldn't miss her if I never saw her again

Thanks all for your replies, some great advice to take from them and really pleased I'm not alone! @missboo1 I could have written that myself although I must say my husband isn't lazy but yes to the really disorganised! My stepchilds mother had agreed to collect them today because after they stayed an extra night not agreed in advance, just an 'oh I'll not bother having my child back again this week' kind of thing, she never turned up and I had the car for alternative plans. DH had to get the 2 buses with a huge wait inbetween to get stepchildren home. I hate the way as a previous poster said she still has an element of control over our lives. Really awful but if I could go back in time I wouldn't marry a man with kids again. I don't sure the child my feelings either but I feel exactly like you with the dread but then not so bad once it's here. He never listens when I try to explain my feelings either. Just pisses me off so much!

The thing is though @colafreezepop he will say that and she still just wouldn't be at home so what can he do? Drive the child for miles just to have to turn around again when she either isn't in or hides her car around the corner pretends not be in and peeks behind the curtains until he goes!! Argh it's definitely the situation of no definite times/days stuck too that gets my this wound up!

Thank you @patchworkpatty, telling me it does get easier has really helped

It sounds like the biggest problem is his Ex really.

Perhaps it would do good for her to know that if she isn't in to receive her DD, then it's on her to collect her from your house, as the vehicle is no longer available to drop her off.

The mother does sound irresponsible. My DB said used to get last minute calls from his Ex, saying she was running late...so could he hold onto the kids for longer. They live near each other, so not a massive issue unless he had plans.

It got to the point the DC noticed and when his phone rang near drop off time, they would ask if that's mum running late again.

In time the child will realise how flakey her DM is...this is what my DBs kids say. They see faults in their DM that they didn't before the split...but time and growing up help.

As for some hope...well the kids are mid to late teens now...so they don't need their DM to be home.

With my Ex SIL..it's just disorganisation..
No evil intent on her part...she's a nice person.

Your DPs ex sounds a bit bonkers by hiding in the house....like she does it deliberately to inconvenience him.

Maybe he should tell her he's using buses and DD will be cold outside waiting on the doorstep if she's not home as planned. Your DSD will soon cotton on to who the problem is and moan to her mum...which should put a stop to it hopefully.

Queens you have my sympathies. The ex situation would drive me mad.
My DSD has a nightmare mum. From the beginning I’ve had to be really careful to dissociate my feelings about her mum from her. It’s never the fault of a little child that their mum is flaky. As she gets older and she realises this she will hopefully appreciate more and more the welcome in your house.
You are a bit the odd one out in your house in that you are the only one not blood relates to everyone else. It’s normal to feel a bit differently about her. But maybe pick your battles. For me with my DSD (same age) I care a lot about manners and kindness and nice interactions. I turn a blind eye to most mess. She can be a pain with demands for tat, very dramatic making complaints like ‘you never play with me’, and turning on the waterworks at life’s great injustices like not having a play date her BFF every single day. That’s just her age I think. I read a book about how to talk with children that helps me see her as a little person and understand her perspective of the world. I can’t remember the name but can look it up if you are interested.
Anyway I’m rambling. She’s your baby’s ready made big sister and so your family is more complete when she is there. That’s how I’d try to see her if I was in your shoes.

I can understand that you find it hard. There are definitely people that find that being a DSM really isn't compatible with their goals for their life, their personality and the vibe in their family home.

I have two DSCs and two DCs from a previous relationship. Personally I love (most) of being a step mum. I think there were several factors that helped. I would have liked a third DC if my reproductive years had been different. My SDCs are not the same as having a DC but I like that they fill the house with more child frenzy. I see all children and pets in my house as little, vulnerable beings that need care and love; I'm happy to give it. I also see my DP in my SDCs - they look a bit like him and he loves them - I love him, I love them. It's always been my view that humans don't have to share DNA with a child to love them like a parent, aunt/uncle or grandparent. And both of my DSCs are well mannered, easy going, and bright. Their DM and my DP are civil, punctual and steady. Our house is big enough for all of us to have our own space and for everyone's stuff. In short, loving them is the easy bit for me. When they stay extra unplanned time, I feel pleased not resentful.

There are things I find hard about being a DSM. But on balance I am really pleased to be a DSM, and the more time that I'm a DSM the better.

Two things might help you:

1. sit with yourself regularly and ask yourself whether all things considered you are happy to be a DSM to your DH's 6 yo, including the difficult bits. If the answer is yes, then embrace it. The resentful feelings will subside if you've CHOSEN to be a DSM. If you're not happy to be a DSM, then break up with your DH. Let his child grow up free of the difficulties of being an awkward step child.

2. like Sandy2K said - Perhaps it would do good for DM to know that if she isn't in to receive her DD, or if she changes arrangements with less than a week's notice, then it's on her to collect her from your house, as the vehicle is no longer available to drop her off. Of course you can make exceptions and be flexible, once she appreciates that she can't expect everything to change. If DSS misses school so be it. Have some childcare options in place for your and DH's work (try sitters.co.uk). Keep a record, because if she doesn't keep to steady timetables your DH might need to go to court to establish a binding arrangement (perhaps even where your house is the primary house). But I think this is unlikely. She sounds angry at your DH; and has found a way to get at him. Hopefully this will pass. If not, unfortunately, it is a classic reason why being a step parent is too problematic.

What you are experiencing is very common when a child is born in the new relationship because in many ways, it's as if you had child 2 before child 1 and it's hard to adjust to this.

However, it really is about you adjusting to the inevitable. That child has as much a place in your household as your baby. They might be annoying, kids are, and yes, step kids will appear more annoying for the same things, it's how it is, but what you need to think of is the impact this will end up having on your family of you don't come to accept the situation.

The child will pick up on your feelings however much you think you hide it and they will start behaving badly. You OH will resent you for making his child unwelcome and upset. He will over compensate which will drive you even more crazy. Your relationship will be even more fragile.

What you need to find it in yourself to do is both remove yourself from the things that annoy you like the ex, these are you OH issues. Tell yourself you are entitled to the best part of being a step mum. Spend quality time with your sc and see them as you child sibling, someone they will think so high off.

Don't beat yourself up but also don't justify all your feelings.

Dontdisturbme I love the concept of best bits. I’m with you!