I don't like my step son

[Hazzer19]

I'm new to this and I'm sure I'm not alone.
Stepson lives with us, he's 15 and I just don't have any connection with him.
He's very quiet, doesn't talk much so it's hard to engage with him. He lies a lot about silly things and I find that I'm now waiting to catch him out. His Dad is busy and tired and doesn't always thing to check up on what he's doing/should be doing. I try to leave him to it but it irritates me that he's "getting away with it" all the time.
Dad has said that he's worried about how I am with him and that it's all negative. The honest answer is I see no positives about him being with us and love the fortnightly weekends he sees his mum.
Don't suggest we spend time just the 2 of us - the thought would fill us both with horror. I've organised a few treats recently - we went to Harry Potter world this weekend but he looked bored most of the time and was on his phone. I get he's 15 and that's what they do but I therefore don't see why I should bother.
I know I need to change my attitude but I just don't know how to.

You've had some very good advice on here, OP so I hope it helps. The only thing I would add from having taught this age group and also having my own DS, is that you need to remember they take in what you say and how you say it, even if they appear to ignore you or be irritated by you. It all goes in. So even if you feel you are wasting your breath saying something nice or kind, say it anyway. It will go in. Eventually!

At 15 he doesn't need a step mother to ask him if he showered, he could have just ignored you. The fact that he even answers shows that he's pretty nice. I stopped asking my SD if she showered at 11. The other little examples you provided are just normal laziness, honestly even I sometimes answer that just to get someone off my back. My 11 year old is like that too. It's annoying, but not a big deal.
The fact that he's quiet is his personality.
If you dislike him because you feel that you're making efforts and he doesn't respond, try to see why. If it's his personality, you can not blame him for that. My son is quiet and there isn't much of a relationship between him and my partner. It's just life. It's much worse when a child is sociable but doesn't interact with you, then you know that it's personal.
Trying to catch him doing something wrong only serves to make you feel superiour which is not going to help anyone better and will only escalate the situation,

I’ve lived with a 15yo stepson full time who despite me constantly reaching out to him, Ignored me and was rude. It’s hell and wears you down. How are you supposed to provide love and guidance to someone who won’t communicate with you? There’s no love there which is normal, he isn’t your child, and to expect there to be love is asking too much.

All op wants is a relationship with him which would in time perhaps take on a nurturing element. In my case, my dh tried multiple times to talk to him but he pretended everything was fine. Thank goodness he’s gone now but has a great relationship with dh so that’s something.

Honestly, you could just mostly disengage from him & I suspect when you have a little space you’ll both like that kind of arrangement in my (limited) understanding, disengagement just means be cordial & still do stuff like asking them things you would ask an acquaintance or co/worker “how was your day?” Or “what’s going on with you lately?” Past that, your only interactions with them will be to sometimes have meals together, or maybe go on a family trip or the like. Just be warmly polite but that’s ALL! If he needs talked to about sports schedules, discipline issues, etc..that’s his dad’s role:)

Try and look for his positives. Your description of him doesn’t sound too bad. You could have a look in the teenager section on Mumsnet to get an idea of what teens who are difficult are like.

The lies sounds like a absent minded reply, not uncommon for teenagers. Similar to them answering ‘I don’t know’. I would just try and ignore them.

15 is a bit old for a Harry Potter event surely? Young kids like that sort of thing.

Don't plan 'nice things' to do as a family, just be normal or wait for him to suggest something. At his age boys are often monosyllabic, they play games and prefer being with their friends to their parents. Your step son sounds quite normal.

Maybe you're not cut out to be a stepmother. If that is the case, better to face up to it now than later and be honest.

QueenCoconut is spot on. That’s exactly my experience of 15 year olds. It took a while for me to accept that DS didn’t need to be entertained or taken out for fresh air, just be left to have his own space and feed him if he emerged hungry from his room.

I think I understand where you are coming from i have every similar problem with my stepson i try my hardest to get on with him but he is just impossible he is only 9 so it's a little different. I had to massively change my attitude towards the whole situation I do not have kids of my own so it was very hard. I think you have to just keep trying and sometimes you just don't like people you have to be nice and not take it out with them if you love his father from my experience that's what you need to do, no it hasn't worked in my situation but your stepson is alot older. I do feel for you and understand how hard it can be. I would stop the trying to catch him out because that looses trust. Try to to give him a reason not to like you if he just doesn't like you there isn't much you can do just don't add more reasons. Keep trying the family days out because even if he didn't look interested it will register that you did that for him and try o pay attention to small details and act on them and in the long run it will pay off

@Hazzer19
You don't have to like him or love him. That is a stupid myth.
You have to tolerate him and not bully him. That all and that part you are doing perfectly.
Those lies, you are talking about, are innocent lies- most grown ups are using those. Hand up who never said to her boss: "yes, I did that report" and then run to her office and wrote that quickly :) :)
The good thing is, he is willing to accept your authority in your house and don't want to challenge you daily bases.

My advice; look at him as a grown up lodger. How would you interact with a lodger? How much you need to "love" your housemates or just have to accept them and manage suitable house rules?

And remember, you don't have to love your partners children only because he has them already. You have to be respectful toward them and accepting that they are part of him. That's all.
You are doing well!