I don't like my step son

[Hazzer19]

I'm new to this and I'm sure I'm not alone.
Stepson lives with us, he's 15 and I just don't have any connection with him.
He's very quiet, doesn't talk much so it's hard to engage with him. He lies a lot about silly things and I find that I'm now waiting to catch him out. His Dad is busy and tired and doesn't always thing to check up on what he's doing/should be doing. I try to leave him to it but it irritates me that he's "getting away with it" all the time.
Dad has said that he's worried about how I am with him and that it's all negative. The honest answer is I see no positives about him being with us and love the fortnightly weekends he sees his mum.
Don't suggest we spend time just the 2 of us - the thought would fill us both with horror. I've organised a few treats recently - we went to Harry Potter world this weekend but he looked bored most of the time and was on his phone. I get he's 15 and that's what they do but I therefore don't see why I should bother.
I know I need to change my attitude but I just don't know how to.

Oh - and read How To Talk So Teens Will Listen which is a great book - I can't remember the authors but it'll be very easily searchable!

Snacks and sweets is a great suggestion. Buy him lots of unhealthy stuff chocolate, crisps , bring it home and give to him without an occasion.
Don’t expect a thank you just smile and leave him to it.

Op just fake it till you make it
As others said teens are horrendous and so awkward but he's probably feeling awful at his dad remarrying and then having to love with a virtual stranger.
My dd was 5 when I met dh and she has been a cow to him over the years but he married me and therefore took on my child so he stuck with it and was kind but firm and she is now 17 and have a good relationship.
She will say to me "love you" then mock scowl at dh and say "ok. I like you" 😂
Let dh do the parenting and try to communicate with him.more positively. Remember he didn't ask to be here

For those of you who have been less kind, I came on here to get some help and advice, knowing I need to change things but having no experience of kids or parenting.

For all of you giving OP a pasting, remember she is neither a 15 year old boy, nor a parent, so she's on a steep learning curve too, after years of living as an independent adult woman. You can all sit in judgment on her but she hasn't had the benefit of years of childrearing to know how to deal with and "get" children and young people. What might seem second nature to you may be completely alien to you (like having to remind a 15 year old to clean their own body - wouldn't occur to me either, why should it!)

Imagine how you'd fare if you were suddenly shacked up with an Icelandic deep sea fisherman or whatever. You wouldn't instantly know how to communicate or live with them and would doubtless get stuff wrong, not through malice, but through genuine ignorance of that life/person.

Bluntness
Your posts don't tally up. Your husband has told you he is worrried about how you interact with him, yet you're saying you joke with him, do things with him, care about him etc. Only one of these two sides can be the truth.

That's incorrect. I have a similar, but far worse situation. Interaction is a two-way thing, and a two-way responsibility. A SM can give and give, be nice, invite the SKs out, show interest, joke with them, try and do things with them, but the SKs throw it all back in their face, or the actual undertaking of all of this is fraught.

If I ask my SS how is day was, or show interest in his day at college, what follows is an excrutiating back and forth of snide rudeness from him. I am left distraught by this, hour by hour, day in and day out. My SS also lies, it started about the small things, just like the OP, now it's about bigger things. Now he lies all the time and it's awful. The the detentions and suspensions start because of how rude he is to teachers and other things he gets up to at school.

The only way forward is for your DH to accept that any interaction you have is not your responsibility. His son needs to step up too. I have found that without that uncomfortable truth being accepted, it will only get worse.

My kids lie about silly little things like that also. Hardly anything to be winding yourself up about really is it! Like many other posters have said, just change the questions, dont ask him if he's done it, remind him it needs doing. I think it's very clear OP that you just don't like him, and you're making it obvious enough for your DH to pick up on it. I feel very sorry for you SS and I hope your attitude won't damage the relationship your DH and his son.

I feel very sorry for you SS and I hope your attitude won't damage the relationship your DH and his son

Don't you feel sorry for the OP who is being lied to, spoken to impolitely, is being pressured by her DH, yet does not hold all the power to make this any better? Don't you feel sorry for the OP who is clearly disliked by this 15 year old? He's not 5 years old, he's 15!

Why would a 15 year old want to go to 'Harry Potter World' ?  Does he love Harry Potter? My DD (11) would HATE it.

What a weird question 😂 I went when I was 18. It's a very popular franchise most famously associated with teenagers. Unless he didn't like the series why wouldn't he want to go?

How long ago his mum and dad split up isn't the issue. The issue is that a stranger has moved into his home. I would really encourage you to reflect on that and maybe see how you would feel about someone moving into your house and - to put the tin lid on it - telling you what to do.

Although I agree there's no need for unpleasantness, you know you need help with this, that's why you posted, good on you for doing that.

Living nearly full time with a step child when it doesn't come naturally to you sounds like an awful lot of work and sacrifice in your relationship for you OP, what made you want to take it on? Are you sure it was the right decision? Is your relationship with his dad as it is now worth it?

Because in all honesty those things are very tiresome EOW, but you have basically chosen it to be your life full time. Did you interact with him much before you moved in? I'm not judging you, I'm just questioning whether it was really the best decision for you.

It doesn't matter if his dad is tired and busy, it's his kid and if he doesn't pick him up on something then I wouldn't bother unless it affected the house as a whole - ie, you were relying on him to feed the cat, mess all over the communal areas, smelling really bad etc. Things like school work and wrapping teachers presents don't affect you and you don't need to devote your time to trying to nag him into doing them. Back away from taking on all the "wife work" because you worry that otherwise it won't get done. It's not your problem if it gets done.

Don't you feel sorry for the OP who is being lied to, spoken to impolitely, is being pressured by her DH, yet does not hold all the power to make this any better? Don't you feel sorry for the OP who is clearly disliked by this 15 year old? He's not 5 years old, he's 15!

Not one tiny little drop of pity, no. Take a look at her decisions:

1. dated a man with a child and made no attempt to form a relationship with that child before marrying.
2. moved in to live with this child knowing or caring little about them
3. has a full list of what she doesn't like about this child
4. has another list of why it's her DH fault.

The child on the other hand had absolutely no say in any of this and is stuck in an horrendous situation living with people who think only of themselves.

So no all my pity is for the child, hopefully he can get away quickly enough before he is permanently damaged by these waste of air adults.

Don't you feel sorry for the OP who is being lied to, spoken to impolitely

Nowhere does OP say this kid is speaking to her impolitely. She said he lies about silly things which is NORMAL teenage behaviour. She also has to nag him about about doing chores, which is NORMAL teenage behaviour. She even said "he's pretty good" most of the time.

It was the OP's choice to start a relationship with a man who already had a kid. The OP is the adult in this situation. She made the choice, therefore, the onus is on her to foster a good relationship. The teenager has no choice in this matter, all he knows is his family broke up and now a woman is living with him who clearly doesnt like him. His worst "crime" is lying about silly stuff and being a bit lazy which I have already said, is pretty standard teen behaviour.. Its not as if he's out doing heroin or mugging old ladies FGS.

Ihavethefinalsleigh why did you direct that at me xx

It's great that you are looking to change the dynamics between yourself and your step son.

Definitely don't focus on the life-min tasks - that's dads job.
I also very much agree with pp to rephrase questions - that will create an instant shift in dynamics.
Another thing you could do is to find one thing you like about him or one thing you think he is great at. Once you found it it will help you to feel different about him. When you see a strength or likeable trait, let him know.

Wow, I'm struck by the assumptions some of you have made which are so wrong.
I shall pick out the constructive suggestions on here and disappear.
I hope that next time someone asks for help you treat them better.

@WingingItSince1973

Sorry, I messed up. xx

Hi, I’m new to mumsnet. Back in March my stepdaughter came to her father and I telling us her mum had been hitting her and kicked her between the legs.

Her father kept her with us and we put in for custody. Long story short her mother made as many problems as possible, denying all my stepDaughters accusations. In October finally the court ruled in our favour and our beautiful girl is now thriving with us, just passing her Kent test and off to grammar school in September ( we are so proud ).

The thing that’s really getting to me atm is the fact, her mother made my partners life hell, demanding he collect and drop of our stepdaughter, that he paid a minimum amount of £100 a month child maintenance even when he was unemployed after a bereavement. He never denied his daughter and we always found the money and time for her when needed.

Now we have custody’s it’s been 9 months and she refuses to pay a single penny of maintenance, she has another daughter from another relationship ship who is younge, and her excuse is, ‘she should t take money from her ‘younger daughter to give to her oldest!’

She talks to her like dirt, she just picked her up for her half of the Xmas holidays, and the first thing she does is, moan at her for not taking a skirt and pair of leggings home, that she had previously said she could keep here.

She refuses to text myself or my partner for anything and keeps sending messages through my step daughter which are highly inappropriate to give to my partner.

The woman is crazy...... there I’ve said it..... I e tried not to hate anyone in my life but this woman, is making me feel things that are foreign to me.....

How can a mother treat her ten year old like that and think it’s right? Call her a liar all through court and force her to write a letter to the judge asking to be sent back to her mums..... my step daughter was terrified she had to go home.... her mother even told her to pack her bags.....

This morning she’s been very quiet knowing she’s going to her mums, (if her mum hurts her again we’re pressing charges, we couldn’t this time as was being dealt with by court..... it’s stupid)

My partner is such a sweetie, he worries if he demands anything from his ex, she will then project her anger onto our stepdaughter, and he won’t be there to protect her again.

I just don’t understand how mothers can hurt their babies, or use their kids in wars against ex’s...... why can’t they stop being selfish and think of what’s best for children......

Gahhhhhh rant over........

@Museofsky you’ll be better off starting your own thread so that people can respond to your problem.

OP I’m so sorry you’re in this rut. It’s heart wrenching being torn between the man you love and step child who you don’t enjoy sharing your home with.

Would counselling help? Maybe just to say all these grievances aloud. You probably know some of them sound irrational but when it’s day in, day out it really is the little things that wind you up the most.

How is your DH with all of this? You say he’s worried but what is he doing to help? Is he agreeing to manage issues and change his parenting?

Pick your battles, what is really important to you-make these clear to DH.

With our own DC we have rose tinted glasses and unconditional love. But with SDC we just have to all coexist.

@Museofsky

Best to start your own post and call the CMS.

I have started my own lol don’t know how to delete this one doh!

"Do you still need to feed the cat...? "

Kids like to answer yes to please people, this way he can say yes and then do the job.

*Aww diddums are you getting upset because people are not being nice to you and demonstrating how much they dislike you???

Imagine if you had to live with a bitch like that, you get to log off and walk away from this thread.

Do the boy a favour and get out of his life*

Don't be such a bitch @WeakAsIAm.

OP - I have two stepsons, 12 and 18. The eldest is now at uni. I do agree that you need to let your husband do the nagging. The eldest used to be awful for not showering for days and constantly had to be prodded, but that wasn't done by me. Your husband needs to step up. I'm kind to my stepsons, me & DH share the washing and cooking for them, and they are expected to keep their rooms tidy and stack the dishwasher. We don't ask them to do a lot but it took a while to get where we are as they have no rules at their mums. Just take a step back and leave your husband to it would be my advice.

WeakAsIAm

1) dated a man with a child and made no attempt to form a relationship with that child before marrying.
Why are you lying and making that up. That's not what the OP said at all and you know it.

2. moved in to live with this child knowing or caring little about them
   Ditto. Why do you feel the need to make that up?

3. has a full list of what she doesn't like about this child
   Why shouldn't she? I have a full list of your lies. He probably has a full list of what he doesn't like about her. What's wrong with lists? Do you have a phobia of lists or something?

4. has another list of why it's her DH fault.
   Oh, there you go again. Lists. Are. Bad. Naughty Lists.

The child on the other hand had absolutely no say in any of this
The child is 15 and has as much responsibility to behave well, decent, polite and kind to other people as anyone else. He has 100% say in the responsibility for his own behaviour.

I have a 15 yo ds. I love him to bits. If I had moved in with him 9 months ago I would really struggle with him. 15 year olds are tricky. Mine would love Harry Potter world so I don't think you got that wrong necessarily. I think you sound like you're trying really hard so please don't feel too discouraged.
Things that help me feel more connected to my son:
Shopping for things he wants
Watching TV together (there are several programs he loves and a couple of them are now things that we always do together and he wouldn't dream of watching them if I wasn't there)
Driving him places (children airways seem to open up more in the car?)
Cooking together (sometimes. Sometimes it's not a good idea)
I would stop asking questions and do the "we're going out at x o'clock so can you just make sure you've done y and z by then" thing - works better.
Good luck OP.