I don't like my step son

[Hazzer19]

I'm new to this and I'm sure I'm not alone.
Stepson lives with us, he's 15 and I just don't have any connection with him.
He's very quiet, doesn't talk much so it's hard to engage with him. He lies a lot about silly things and I find that I'm now waiting to catch him out. His Dad is busy and tired and doesn't always thing to check up on what he's doing/should be doing. I try to leave him to it but it irritates me that he's "getting away with it" all the time.
Dad has said that he's worried about how I am with him and that it's all negative. The honest answer is I see no positives about him being with us and love the fortnightly weekends he sees his mum.
Don't suggest we spend time just the 2 of us - the thought would fill us both with horror. I've organised a few treats recently - we went to Harry Potter world this weekend but he looked bored most of the time and was on his phone. I get he's 15 and that's what they do but I therefore don't see why I should bother.
I know I need to change my attitude but I just don't know how to.

Perhaps he doesn't want to give his teacher a present!

What 15 yo buys a teacher a present?

15 yos are tough to deal with and lazy. They also have very highly developed senses of right and wrong - everything is very black and white with them.

You are essentially a stranger telling him what to do, and micromanaging him along the way. He will HATE that. The fact he's lying actually shows he's being quite respectful - he doesn't want to get in a row and he doesn't want to tell you to fuck off out of his life, so he's telling you what you want to hear.

How would you like it if the tables were turned and he was asking you 'have you fed the cat' 'have you made the dinner yet?' - you wouldn't like it!

It's OK to ask him to do things (can you feed the cat for me please? If you haven't fed the cat yet could you do it, she is mewing so she's hungry) but you shouldn't be the one checking up on things like hygiene. That's his dad's job.

I know it's frustrating by the way. I have a 14 yo, he's my own son and often I don't like him... but we have a dynamic built up over years. You are a stranger to this kid.

Give him some money, cook him food he likes and back off!

Those are normal, annoying teenage fibs. I have two teenage boys and can relate, DS1 can lie for England about showering/tidying his room. The difference is I have 17 years worth of love and attachment to balance the irritation. It must be overwhelmingly thankless when it isn't your child and you don't have that bedrock. I agree with those who said you need to redraw your boundaries - it shouldn't always be you doing the nuts-and-bolts parenting. You don't need to be emotionally invested in whether he has a shower or whether he's wrapped a teacher's present. His Dad needs a swift kick in the arse.

I agree with letting your DH do the nagging as far as possible, and you ask him directly and politely to do reasonable things you’d like him to do in the moment: “Josh, could you give me a hand with these big sheets?” - “Thanks!”
I think proceeding with a determined presumption of goodwill really helps with teenagers, as if they sense implied criticism or nagging, it just sets up an oppositional dynamic. At 15 he’d probably be the same if you were his mum, but then you’d have that bank of love to call on.
Stop setting traps for him. Instead of “Have you fed the cat?” go straight to “Josh l, can you feed the cat before you go back upstairs please?” - if DH isn’t there for you to nudge.

I know it’s unhelpful to say this, but I’m amazing you got married so quickly after moving in to such s complicated set up. You really have to put a lot of effort in to make this work. He doesn’t sound like a bad lad at all and these are critical years for him. Your dopey DH needs to step up. Does he do much on his own with him? He needs to make time. What’s making him busy and tired? Is he self-employed?

I agree with pp that the questioning might be the problem for you both...sounding like you’re checking up on him. In our house it’s more ‘if you don’t feed kitty he’ll have your leg off’ ‘do you need help wrapping?’ (DS doesn’t like wrapping as he struggles with making it neat) A lighter touch may help him relax.
His dad may struggle with torn loyalties. I’d even think about moving out and letting them share these next few years together and you could date dad and move back in at Uni time.
Does SS cook? Perhaps as a bonding exercise you could have a learn to cook session together once a week?

OP have you ever read up about teenagers? There's good books out there.

That aside, I'm not sure I'd like to live with you either, given the 'catching him out' dynamic you've created. What competition exactly are you trying to 'win', because it sounds pretty fucked up to me that you're feeling that way and not acknowledging it as the resentment that it is.

My DS is home from university. If I want him to feed the cats, I say, 'Please will you feed the cats? That'd be helpful.'

My DP had teenagers living with him full-time when we met, for complex reasons. I wouldn't have dreamed of moving in with them (or marrying him). We are having to play the long game. I know it's not the answer you're looking for, because you're there now. So I'd advise giving the boy some space, stop trying to catch him out, and get some personal counselling about your feelings of resentment. Allow your DP to talk about his son and listen.

I don't feel the same way about my DP's DC as my own. But I'm fond of them, I help them, and I work at communicating with them. If one of them lies about something small I either ignore it, or try to find out (gently) what the problem might be. Often it just means 'back off' because they don't want to say to dad's girlfriend, 'What the fuck has it got to do with you?' But the main thing is I talk to their dad about it, privately, without blame or recrimination. Otherwise, what's the point of it all - what's the point of the relationship if everyone's unhappy?

I feel so bad for him having to live with you. He is your partner's son, he was in your partner's life way before you were, so don't expect a child to accommodate the way they are at home for you.

Nothing you've said he does sounds remotely difficult to deal with, I'd always say I'd done something when I hadn't then run to do it because I forgot, all children do that, heck, lots of adults do that too!

Your nasty attitude towards him seriously needs to change, or you need to leave. Those are the only options for you.

His parents split up 13 years ago so it's not new.
Thanks for the positive suggestions from some of you, it's not easy but I will try to change the way I approach things with him
For those of you who have been less kind, I came on here to get some help and advice, knowing I need to change things but having no experience of kids or parenting.

Present for the teacher? At 15?
If its your idea,just...no.If it was his idea you just need to let him get on with it.
Or not.Showering like lots of other little things is not worth total relationship breakdown - if it gets to the point that its unpleasant for you then ask him to shower,within a time period and keep asking- but if you can only tell cos the bath is dry then let it go.
Things like feeding the cats you need to stop with the trick questions,if you know he hasn't done it then just ask him to do it,don't put him in a situation where its easier for him to lie.
What he says to you seems to be the only thing he has control over.

15 year old boys are horrible, I know I've lived through three. The difference is, I loved them unconditionally.

It's you @WingingItSince1973, who has to make all the effort here. A 15 year old boy is still a child but with hormones, to make things even more difficult. Just keep trying.

You are treating him like a 9 year old. Harry Potter world, him giving his, one teacher a present? (don't they have many teachers in high school) he probably didn't wrap it because he's too embarrassed to take it in and was hoping you would forget.
You sound like hard work. Your dh has actually told you that he doesn't like the way you treat his son!!! Imagine how the poor boy feels being the one on the receiving end.

To be fair this 15 year old doesn't sound horrible. Just a quiet teenage boy. The OP sounds horrible. He's doesn't have the personality she wants him to, so he is just a pain in the arse to her.

For those of you who have been less kind, I came on here to get some help and advice, knowing I need to change things but having no experience of kids or parenting.

You don't need to have experience with kids to know how to treat the like a human being. Clearly your attitude towards him is a cause for concern.

Most of us never have the experience of having to hit the ground running parenting a teenager though, we grow with them and have that whole history of unconditional love and bonding to get us through the thankless, soul-destroying bits. OP doesn't have that. It must be bloody hard. If she didn't give a shit she wouldn't be here posting for advice.

To be fair this 15 year old doesn't sound horrible. Just a quiet teenage boy. The OP sounds horrible. He's doesn't have the personality she wants him to, so he is just a pain in the arse to her

Harsh and not helpful.

Op, you do not sound horrible.

For those of you who have been less kind, I came on here to get some help and advice,

Aww diddums are you getting upset because people are not being nice to you and demonstrating how much they dislike you???

Imagine if you had to live with a bitch like that, you get to log off and walk away from this thread.

Do the boy a favour and get out of his life

Op I am a stepmother to three children and a mother to a 15 year old.

15 year olds simply appreciate if you LEAVE THEM ALONE. You don’t need to try and bond with him, don’t organise cringy days out (my child would not be seen in a HP world !) , don’t try to ‘do nice things’ because you end up over- complicating things. Teenagers generally have to be forced to even go for a walk so dats out are not something they look forward to.
15 year olds don’t give presents to their teachers! Mine stopped writing them Xmas cards about 3 years ago. Don’t mention similar things.

My Advice:
Read about teenagers to understand his behaviour and not treat him like a 9 year old.
Stop trying to do ‘nice things’ together
Leave him be and just offer him nice home cooked food , that’s as much as they need from you ;)
Or order a good take away, offer it to him and don’t expect a big thank you for it. Accept the lack of communication as NORMAL.
Once in a while if you have a shopping day ask if he wants to come and buy something for himself - teenagers like spending money. Don’t judge
Don’t criticise

It’s not about you, stop making it personal. He’s nearly an adult, treat him with respect adults deserve and leave him be.

Honestly, I'm 100% sure my step-mum didn't like me when I was 15 either. With good reason. I wasn't the easiest child to get along with (sullen, hormonal, disinterested). I've known her since I was 7. I wasn't deliberately moody. I just wasn't interested in 'connecting'.
I think you're expecting too much. You honestly don't have to like him. You certainly don't have to love him, and I'd never suggest you have 'one to one' time with him. That's just weird.

I feel ya don’t know him,,not don’t like him..ye need to plan a few days to do normal everyday stuff together..a young boy of 15 will need time to adjust to you and questioning him will certainly not work..try be positive with him,,ask about his life,school friends his interests not what chores he has/has not done...maybe clear the air first..sit down and tell him this has been an adjustment for you,ask how he feels and suggest ye both try again..agree how together

So in a nutshell, OP, you need to work on your feelings of resentment, stop treating him like a much younger child, and be kind.

Do one kind thing a day. It can be as simple as laughing at a joke, buying a new shower gel 'I thought you'd like', offering a sandwich, talking about school sympathetically, offering a sweet, saying 'do you want anything from the shop?' Don't argue back; don't try to catch him out. Let it sink in that these are genuine questions and genuine offers. No catch. Give it time.

All such little things, but they add up over time to security.

You say you was alone for 12 years prior to moving in as a family. You also have to think this is a huge adjustment for him also?
I suggest you stop trying to catch him out for starters as he's probably thinking you hate him as it is and just looking at ways for picking at him with the 101 questions.
All teenagers are the same you just have to figure out a way to work with them as hard as it may be
I met my DP in August I'd moved in by December- was veryyy quick yes but we knew each other a while anyway and i was their everyday anyway...
but by the January both his oldest sons had loved in with me. He was 12 and I was 18 just turned. That was a huge adjustment for us but you take on the roll of step mum the minute you move in together so you have to be a grown up an not act like the child giving off bad atmospheres etc
Me and my DSS have an amazing bond as I do with my DSD who stays of a weekend. I just go out my way to make sure everyone is involved and doing things they enjoy also but at the same time helping out doing chores

At 15 what about him an dad go quad biking, paint balling , go carting something we're no phones are required? Ask him to get involved when cooking tea an make his fav food, have dvd nights on a Saturday an get lots of snacks and goodies (my lot loveeee that)
Think positive and the household will see a difference x

Oh FFS- he's not "getting away with it". Look at what you wrote- his dad can't be bothered with him and you dont like him. THAT is the reason he's so quiet and withdrawn. Teens aren't stupid- they know when people dont want them around and he's probably feeling all kinds of rejected and crap about himself due to this horrible situation that both you and your husband have made.
I'm sorry but why should he make an effort when neither you or your husband are? Kids learn from example.
Both of you sounds like distant, uncaring parents and with kids- you get out what you put in. If you want to improve relationships all round then you need to spend TIME with him. Talk to him, ask him about his dreams for the future, his friends, what he wants to do as a career, his interests, his fears and concerns etc. Teenagers need love and guidance, not just being left to "get on with it". Urgh.

It is really difficult, becoming a stepmum to teenagers. Give the OP a break. It sounds as if her husband isn’t pulling his weight, either: he sounds weak, letting the OP do the discipline side of the parenting whilst he does the Disney Dad bit, floating in the background and claiming to be too busy or tired to do any of the difficult stuff.