Avoiding SKs over Christmas - how to do this?

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NC here. My partner has 3 stepkids (late teens/early 20s), we've been together 4 years, his divorce from their mother was over a decade before I met him. They have shared custody.

The SKs have treated me from contempt from day 1. I've tried everything, my partner is a Disney dad afraid to upset them, they get away with murder constantly and this causes great problems between us. The SKs of course revel in this. My post is not really about all that, I've been round and round in circles about it all, and have come to accept two of them hate me, I now can't bear them any more and that's the way it'll probably always be.

This Christmas the SKs have messed everyone around, including their mother and her husband and wider family, who they have upset. They've caused mayhem with their ill-thought-through plans, imposing themselves on relatives who weren't expecting them, not telling their own family what they were up to etc. It's all fallen apart, and now both sets of parents are trying to pick up the pieces of their mess and arrange a happy christmas.

The thought of Christmas with them fills me with dread, but my partner is pressuring me to suffer their rudeness, smile and pretend we're all having a good time, and maybe we all go off together somewhere for a few days. They try to treat me like a cleaner then throw tantrums when I refuse, speak to me as if I am dirt, and are full of nastiness.

All that matters to me now is the relationship I have with my partner. How can I not create even further upset between him and me and make sure I do not have to spend time being mistreated by his SKs?

I'd be interested to hear how some of you in similar circumstances navigate this minefield successfully.

Stop pandering to petulant adults, they’re not little kids. Sounds like everyone has pandered to them all their life, put your foot down and tell your DP you want a nice Xmas together and if they don’t like it then don’t come. At what age will he treat them like adults? 25? never?

I wouldn’t tolerate a member of my family speaking to DH like he’s dirt. Not at Christmas, not in his own home, not anytime nor anyplace. Your DP needs to sort out his priorities, he sound like a bit of a drip.

They try to treat me like a cleaner then throw tantrums when I refuse, speak to me as if I am dirt, and are full of nastiness.

If your husband slows this to happen and wants you to spend more time with them, I can’t see how your relationship can continue?

They have far too much power within their family group, time to stop enabling them.

Manners cost nothing.

Rudeness should not be tolerated.

They need to learn that behaviour has consequences.

The issue is with how your DP has trained them to behave; this was & is now so so wrong in many ways.
He has to tell them that this is more than enough & has to stop.
Expect avoidance tactics from him (presumably he doesn't like conflict?) Expect them to (continue to) behave like spoilt children. But stick to your guns.

Just wondering if they've been poisoned by their mother; was there a gf post divorce but before you? How was she treated?
It may not be personal to you but to their perception of the role that you fill.

Best wishes with sorting them out.

I don't disagree with anything any of you have said. My partner and I have had huge arguments, have split up etc over his failure to stand up to them, over my abhorrence and refusal to tolerate their bad behaviour.

I'm not ignoring it by any means, I know my relationship is hanging by a thread, maybe doesn't have a long lifespan, and sometimes I am so completely exhausted and repulsed by their behaviour I want to walk out the door and never look back, then and there.

I am the only person who stands up to them, in answer to a poster I found out they created problems for a previous gf too, but they have all re-framed this as she had issues, she let them down etc. I don't believe this for one second, I reckon she was put through the hell I have been and had enough. My specs are not at all rose-tinted. Their stepfather cannot bear them either, they are rude to him, I hear he tries to ignore them and keep out of their way as much as possible.

I am, for the purposes of this thread, just trying to avoid them this Christmas. My partner is a coward, fears that if he tells them off they will go off in a sulk and their behaviour will worsen as he won't have any input from him (this just makes me want to laugh, as he has no input into their behaviour as it stands!), so they have him over a barrel. His whole life where they are concerned is "let's not create tension by telling them off". The result is constant tension because their behaviour and rudeness is intolerable.

I wish they didn't exist, I really do. But they do and I have finally reached a place where I have disengaged, I detest them, I don't ever want to offer help to them, I have no interest in their lives any more. So opposite to how I wanted things to be when I entered this relationship and their lives.

But my partner won't tell them off, especially over Christmas. I know he is dreading Christmas and us all together, but at the same time somehow insists we are and I know if I say I don't want to be around he will be furious. It's all contradictory nonsense, I know.

But what can I do or say to get away from them in a way that my partner accepts? I'd be happy to sit here all alone, I really would, rather than be with them.

Its quite simple you put ur foot down and say.... noone will disrespect me in my house if yous dont like it your not welcome if there dad wants to see them let it be elsewere as ur not goin to tolorate it anymore... and have a good christmas by urself xxx

Suggests he takes them away for Xmas.
You could offer to volunteer somewhere where you will be appreciated.
Then Ltb after the new year.
Or this is your future with only yourself to blame.
None of them think you are worth anything. Dp included imo.

Book yourself a hotel and a meal piss off when they show up

Do you have parents, siblings, friends you can spend Christmas with OP? If so I would be telling DP, "Yes of course your dc can come for Christmas. Hope you all have a lovely time. I'm going to my parents, friends, siblings for Christmas".

"Yes of course your dc can come for Christmas. Hope you all have a lovely time. I'm going to my parents, friends, siblings for Christmas."
Absolutely this. Let him deal with the fallout with the DC and you can use it as a trial separation (though don't share those thoughts yet) to see what life is like without him.

Give yourself the best Christmas present possible and split up with him! If you’ve broken up in the past, why the hell did you get back together?

How can you choose to stay with someone you call a coward?

On Christmas, you tell him they’re not welcome in your home and if he wants to see them he can duck off and do it elsewhere. But why go through this hassle when you know the writing is on the wall? It’s a week till Christmas, plenty of time to tell him it’s done, you’ve had enough and depending on your housing situation you or he will be moving out.

All that matters to me now is the relationship I have with my partner.

The problem is that he doesn't share this concern.

You shouldn't have to endure this treatment from the stepchildren. Your partner should have stamped this out years ago.

Everybody will have a better time if you don't go so in your shoes I'd see a friend, relative or lick the toilet than be treated like shit.

Why are you with a man who allows people to treat you so badly? You deserve so much better - what’s stopping you from ending this terrible relationship?

Your DH sounds utterly unsupportive, and your problem is you appear to have no bottom line. If you aren‘t willing to leave him I would a) book a spa break for yourself over the holidays on joint finances or b) write a list of responses you are clear your DH needs to give every time the stepkids are rude. Make him sign it. Be clear that if he fails to hold them to these boundaries even a single time, you will in future do literally nothing for them, ready meal for yourself only when they come round. Sounds harsh, but you need a bottom line or this situation will stay awful.

I think you're pissing against the wind here, OP. They treat you like rubbish and your DP is expecting you to accept it. They're at an age where they're highly unlikely to grow out of it. If your DP won't stand up to them, you have to. I'd make other plans for Christmas this year, and much bigger plans going forward. Plans that don't include any of them, DP included.

What kimbo180 said.

Practical ways to actually avoid them:
Don’t cook. At all. I know it sounds counterintuitive especially over Xmas but you can’t avoid someone while at the same time cooking for them.
Leave your partner to it and if he thinks you’re being harsh , tell him it is him who wants the kids around not you , so he can fully enjoy the experience and being a father by cooking for his children.

Eat ready meals or go out to eat.

Don’t clean after them. Keep your own room tidy and if the rest of the house bothers you just stay away from communal areas.

Let your partner pick up 100% responsibility of running the house while his children are there. Go back to normal after they’ve left and explain to him that if he wants to spend time with them he needs to accept that’s the way it is unless you get treated with respect by everyone.

It’s not like you haven’t tried, so you’re not being unreasonable.

Alternatively go away for a few days over Xmas and leave them to it.

You avoid them by not being there. Go to stay with a relative.

Why should you be accepting the poor treatment and him essentially supporting that.

The only good (ish) thing is that their behaviour towards you isn't personal... but it doesn't mean you should tolerate it.

Finally, 2 days before Christmas I am told what is happening. The boys, who were still going to invite themselves over to an Aunt despite everyone telling them how rude this was and how they should have asked her, have been told they cannot go. Not because they were out of order arranging this and messing everyone around mind you, but because she has said No, she can't cope at the moment and her family had made plans anyway.

They're going to spend Christmas Day at their mum's and go to their dad's for Boxing Day. This means popping round on Christmas Day too.
After what they've done, I want to scream at them for their selfishness, but everyone is pandering to them now, saying how disappointed they are, poor boys and so on. I drives me up the wall.

I told my partner I will be somewhere else on Boxing Day. He nearly went mad, and said if I am doing this to avoid being around them I am ruining his family. He just keeps saying how important his boys are to him and how he and I have to make this better, but refuses to ever speak to them about their behaviour and then hasn't got any solution at all. Some magical wand is going to appear and by spending more time with them we're all going to be one happy family.

But it's now 4 years later, and their behaviour has got nastier and nastier and I'm reaching the end of what I can cope with. . We have made no preparations for Christmas at all after they did, but my partner has gone crazy cleaning and tidying (demanding I help him too) for them to come round Boxing Day now.

So you say to him that you will only agree to spending Boxing Day with them and him if he agrees to pull them up if they are rude to you. That's your non negotiable condition. If he's not able to do that for you then you'll make yourself scarce on Boxing Day and let them get on with it. If he agrees to do and then doesn't follow through, you walk out then and there.

So you say to him that you will only agree to spending Boxing Day with them and him if he agrees to pull them up if they are rude to you.

I tried that and he said it would ruin Boxing Day. I have tried the same throughout our 4 years, and he says they'll get too upset and go to their mum's and he would have lost them. Because they throw tantrums if anyone tells them they are out of order. I'm so sick of him using this "I've lost my kids" crap.

What happens is two of them will be nasty, one makes sure he does it when my partner isn't looking or is out of the room, the other is just rude but my partner sees it as "just sensitive and a bit moody". Then they'll leave the house like a tip, just a trail of their rubbish and food and dirty plates everywhere. So they're physically gone, and my partner won't say a thing to them, he'll just think he had a nice day with his sons and I shouldn't rock the boat to point out any of their bad behaviour to me or to us jointly in the house.

It's too late for me to visit friends and family now. I think I might spend Boxing Day in a car park with a book or just go round the shops all day.

Don't book yourself into a hotel,visit a friend or family.

They are HIS boys and they're coming to see HIM and spend Boxing Day with HIM. He can have a "nice" day pandering to their every whim with no one complaining which will make their relationship stronger. You're doing this for his sake really and so he can have a good relationship with his kids. That's how he thinks it works doesn't he? So they can all have the best day ever while he caters for them.

He can't have it both ways.

Your partner is a shit dad and his kids are the resulting product. He's also a shit partner because he's made it clear he's not willing to do anything about it.

You have (understandably) stated: I wish they didn't exist, I really do.

Life is too short to remain in such a toxic situation. LEAVE, NOW.

Your partner is a shit dad and his kids are the resulting product. He's also a shit partner because he's made it clear he's not willing to do anything about it.

That with bells on. I would go and spend the day with my family or friends. If he thought that was ruining the relationship with his kids, I would not come back.

Honestly, 4 years is nothing, no need to spend the rest of your life living like this just because he finds it ok to let his children abuse you.