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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

New baby defensive DH

52 replies

Jamjar2018 · 14/12/2019 23:34

I have 2 Step sons aged 13 and 16 and had a little boy 3 months ago. Has anyone found since having a baby their DH has been really defensive of the other kids? I have a work xmas do on Friday, i work with my family business but we also have other employees. I asked my DH 2 weeks ago if he wanted go come as it’s go-karting then out for food after. He was keen and was going to make arrangements for my 13 year old ss to stay elsewhere as my work is 2 hours from where we live (DH is in the military).
when I asked him again yesterday he said it wasn’t fair to leave his son and asked if he could bring him. I said no as it’s my works xmas do so it’s not really appropriate plus he said he would sort something out before. We have now been arguing for 2 days about it as he thinks I’m being out of order not letting his son come when the baby is coming. The thing is the baby is breastfed so has to come, plus I’m not ready to leave him yet. If he was older I certainly wouldn’t be bringing him! Am I being out of order?!

OP posts:

patchworkpatty · 15/12/2019 09:35

No OP , this is MN !! Don't you know the rules ?
Step children have to be treated in the EXACT same way as bio children - regardless of age or circumstance..

Whereas back in the real world ,where I have 3 dc and 4 sdc (2 of whom live with us) .. this just isn't practical... and ALL my 13 year olds would have completely understood why a baby was going with mum - and why THEY weren't invited to their mothers/step mothers works do - when the invite is only for partners ... this is because they haven't been bought up to be entitled snowflakes, spinning in to despair when told they weren't invited to something that no other children would be at.. (and no -breastfed babies don't count)

ApplePie99 · 15/12/2019 09:48

I fully agree with the above poster! I have a 13 year old and they wouldn't be bothered in the slightest!

BendingSpoons · 15/12/2019 09:58

I have a previously ebf 10 month old who has attended various things with me e.g. a colleague's work leaving drinks when DS was 5 weeks old. I took him because I couldn't go otherwise. I didn't take my elder daughter as she was old enough to be left with someone else. Your DH is being silly, it is about age not closeness of relationship. I'm guessing you won't be taking your DS next year. He needs to leave SS or stay at home and not complain. SS probably wants to go cart!

Namelessinseattle · 15/12/2019 09:59

He's being ridiculous. It's commendable that he is being sensitive to his sons feelings, but that doesn't mean that everyone else needs to accommodate him. He can't do both. He needs to pick one.

Original poster

Jamjar2018 · 15/12/2019 10:06

Glad to see some people understand where I’m coming from!! I’m annoyed because I asked my DH 2 weeks ago and he said yes he wanted to come and would sort out childcare. Then a week later says he can only come if my SS comes as it’s not fair?! If he had said no from the start I wouldn’t have cared. He’s moved the goal posts and is now pissed off with me.

OP posts:

Magda72 · 15/12/2019 10:10

What all the last few posters have said. Your dh is being ridiculous & @patchworkpatty has hit the nail on the head.
I too would say that most 13 year olds would not like to be stuck at anything with a bunch of adults. A simple "sorry the weeks are a bit mixed up atm but it's Christmas and there's a lot going on - your dm had a party last week & I'm going to one this week, but we'll do something fun over the holidays" is a fine thing to say to any 13 year old. Also - bringing a 3 month old bf baby is not including them! Honestly - the comments on this board beggar belief sometimes.

CallmeAngelina · 15/12/2019 10:11

Since when have people's kids been invited to works' Christmas dos?! (And I mean the 13 year old, not the baby).

Honeybee85 · 15/12/2019 10:18

Is it the first time that you feel he’s defensive over his sons?

Perhaps they or his ex have mentioned that they’re not getting enough attention from their dad because of the new baby. Which would be an understandable issue, from both sides.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/12/2019 10:22

What all the last few posters have said. Your dh is being ridiculous & @patchworkpatty has hit the nail on the head

Of course. Shame it took a whole page before reason intervened.

Original poster

Jamjar2018 · 15/12/2019 10:25

No he’s been much more defensive in the last month or 2, defo more since the baby has been here. I would agree with you ref attention on the baby but the thing is I do 99% of the baby care. DH baths him once or twice a week and plays with him for 15mins after work. He spends the rest of the time running my SS’s around to play with friends/take them to sports clubs etc etc. Plus the baby goes to bed at 7pm and we all sit downstairs watching tv together. We have been careful to make sure they don’t feel left out. My DH even commented the other day he doesn’t feel like the baby knows who he is because he doesn’t have any time with him.

OP posts:

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/12/2019 10:40

My DH even commented the other day he doesn’t feel like the baby knows who he is because he doesn’t have any time with him

I think that this is what needs fixing. He is DH's DS too and he deserves 'daddy time', just as you deserve time off or away from doing that 99% os care. How much of your spare time do you spend looking after the DSSs?

hsegfiugseskufh · 15/12/2019 10:44

Hes being ridiculous. Why would a 13yo go to a works Christmas do? He wouldn't have been going pre baby so why does he need to go now?

Dp did a bit of overcompensating then realised he was being an idiot and things went back to normal. 3 years on and nobodys has a breakdown, cut anyone off or having intensive therapy.

Esssa · 15/12/2019 10:47

Not what you asked but I'd be careful taking a newborn to a gocart track if its indoor. The fumes in there are enough to knock an elephant over. Maybe just go to the meal. Would that make it less appealing to dh/ss?

aSofaNearYou · 15/12/2019 10:51

He's being irrational and the fact that he doesn't see that and is trying to guilt trip you would worry me. What else is he going to do that about?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2019 10:52

We have been careful to make sure they don’t feel left out. My DH even commented the other day he doesn’t feel like the baby knows who he is because he doesn’t have any time with him.

That can swing too far the other way, as it seems to be in this case. He’s the father to all of the children and it’s his responsibility to get quality time with all of them.

On Christmas do, I doubt your DSS cares and his dad is focusing on this as a distraction from his justifiable concerns about balancing the needs of all the DC. He needs to do some thinking about he manages everything, it’s his job, not yours, but don’t pander to his bollocks.

hsegfiugseskufh · 15/12/2019 10:57

Regarding your recent comment about him never seeing the baby, is there any way you could take on a few lifts for the step children whilst he spends a more time with the baby? That might be a bit more of a healthy dynamic all around
She shouldn't have to! The youngest step child is thirteen he doesnt need constant attention and is only there 50% of the time.

Dad can make time to spend with the baby, sounds like he likes the idea of spending time with the baby but in practice cant be arsed.

Dp made time for ds when dss 14 lived here ft. How did he cope when he had 2 young children at home at once?

aSofaNearYou · 15/12/2019 11:03

Completely agree tbh @Bollykecks, but if this is how he responds to a work party DSS is not invited to, one can only imagine how he would react to the suggestion of them cutting down on out of the house activities so he can spend time with the baby as well.

If his time is always eaten up ferrying the older kids around, I would say it would be better for them to both do some of those lifts, rather than the older kids being raised to think it's absolutely fine for their dad to just never see his youngest child because he is too busy focusing entirely on them.

hsegfiugseskufh · 15/12/2019 11:08

sofa i absolutely do see where youre coming from but this man chose to have another child. He needs to figure it out!

Agree that his kids shouldn't be made to think its normal or ok for baby to be ignored though.

Honeybee85 · 15/12/2019 11:16

Could it be that he feels left out by you re baby care and becoming defensive of his older DC is a way to cope with that? I mean perhaps he feels now that you and the baby are a ‘family unit’ and it makes him feel left out, perhaps even on a subconscious level.

Equanimitas · 15/12/2019 11:24

It's nonsense to talk about both being included, as if it were somehow going to be a fun event for the baby that the SS is being excluded from.

aSofaNearYou · 15/12/2019 11:28

Bollykecks Very true, he does need to sort it. How nice it would be if the dad in this scenario was expected to find the time to accommodate all his children like any other parent, rather than expect the step mum to pick up all the slack, but that always seems to be too much to ask on here.

Her helping out while he spends time with the baby is only a suggestion I would make if she was grateful for the break in baby duties and happy to do it, if it was putting her out then I wouldn't suggest it.

Original poster

Jamjar2018 · 15/12/2019 11:33

I would welcome a break from the baby for some more grown up conversation. It’s a good idea and I will suggest I drop the older boys off sometimes to give him a break and so he can spend time with the baby. It would be nice to go for a drive without a screaming baby in the car too!

OP posts:

Dontdisturbmenow · 15/12/2019 12:16

I expect the issue is not with him being jealous of baby but that OH has failed to sort out someone looking after him and it is now too late or he comes across as unreasonable.

Maybe he thought he could leave him at home alone but his D's told him he wasn't comfortable bring home alone.

LatentPhase · 15/12/2019 12:27

What has happened to sensible parenting regarding step dc. What has happened to ‘me and jamjar are going to a works party, it’s a busy time of year, so there’s a babysitter/you can stay with mum’s how about we sort a sleepover, it’ll be nice when things calm down over Xmas’.

If anyone brought a child along to my works Christmas party alongside a ebf baby for fear of being excluded I would think they had not only put a dampener on the evening but that they had quite possibly lost the plot.

Anyway he is going back on what he previously agreed so he is surely not insisting you are being unreasonable?

JasonPollack · 15/12/2019 12:35

He's being unreasonable and he needs to make more time day to day for the baby. 15 minutes a day is ridiculous.

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