Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

New baby defensive DH

52 replies

Jamjar2018 · 14/12/2019 23:34

I have 2 Step sons aged 13 and 16 and had a little boy 3 months ago. Has anyone found since having a baby their DH has been really defensive of the other kids? I have a work xmas do on Friday, i work with my family business but we also have other employees. I asked my DH 2 weeks ago if he wanted go come as it’s go-karting then out for food after. He was keen and was going to make arrangements for my 13 year old ss to stay elsewhere as my work is 2 hours from where we live (DH is in the military).
when I asked him again yesterday he said it wasn’t fair to leave his son and asked if he could bring him. I said no as it’s my works xmas do so it’s not really appropriate plus he said he would sort something out before. We have now been arguing for 2 days about it as he thinks I’m being out of order not letting his son come when the baby is coming. The thing is the baby is breastfed so has to come, plus I’m not ready to leave him yet. If he was older I certainly wouldn’t be bringing him! Am I being out of order?!

OP posts:

getyourgrooveback · 14/12/2019 23:47

I think YABU sorry.
It's a family business not a stuffy corporate company.... your DSS is family and you're taking the baby!
I'm not surprised DH is annoyed. Go karting is the kind of thing a 13yo would love surely.

Marleyisme · 14/12/2019 23:50

If that was me taking my new baby somewhere and dp also wanted to see his son, it would his choice. Either he doesnt come and spends sometime with dss or comes and brings him.

Is dp defensive or is there a chance he has picked up a vibe from you that you want to push them out.

Original poster

Jamjar2018 · 14/12/2019 23:56

The only reason the baby is coming is bevause he’s breastfed and I can’t leave him with anyone. There are also other employees in the business other then family with kids who aren’t bringing their children as kids aren’t invited. It’s a work thing not a family day out. That’s why I said no to my SS coming

OP posts:

Marleyisme · 15/12/2019 00:00

The dh doesnt come. They go do something together.

Not really sure why you want him there anyway. He doesnt want to cancel his time with his son. That's it.

Original poster

Jamjar2018 · 15/12/2019 00:06

We share 50/50 custody so he has his son all the time. Plus we look after him a lot for his ex when she has plans during her week. We had him this week so she could go on her work xmas party. He said he would ask her to have him originally and has now backtracked and kicked up a fuss. I don’t mind that he’s not coming but it’s the fact he’s now getting defensive when he didn’t have a drama with it 2 weeks ago.

OP posts:

getyourgrooveback · 15/12/2019 00:26

If it's a work thing not a family day out why would you invite DH in the first place?

Aveisenim · 15/12/2019 00:29

Is it possible his ex has said something?

turkeyontheplate · 15/12/2019 00:31

Yeah, he probably is mindful of the need to avoid making his older children feel pushed out at this critical time of change in their lives. Good on him.

Original poster

Jamjar2018 · 15/12/2019 00:32

Because partners are invited (up to the employee if they want to bring them) and my DH has come every year so far. It’s never been an issue until this one.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jamjar2018 · 15/12/2019 00:37

Also he’s never asked to bring his sons to any previous work xmas parties. This is the first year.

OP posts:

christma5 · 15/12/2019 01:06

He's probably over compensating as he doesn't want your DSS to feel pushed out. However I do think he should be able to explain that it's now his turn to attend a Christmas do and that as the baby is bf he has to come.

Ayemama · 15/12/2019 01:12

My DH got a bit like this with his older two when we had our first one together. It was all about his sons for a time and trying to make sure they didn't feel left out or pushed aside which I understand is really important but it went massively too far and started causing issues in our relationship.

It's all about finding balance but it will settle down as you all develop a decent family dynamic, as far as your works night out goes I think you need to decide what you want and just tell him or if you want an easy life get it in writing (text or email) that no children are invited with the exception of babes in arm who cant be left then you don't have to be the bad guy because you asked if he could come.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/12/2019 08:11

I think he is right to ensure both are included.

There’s been no reason to include him before now as there were no other children but now there are and they should be treated the same or resentment soon kicks in.

It’s very hard to be a teen and suddenly have a new half sibling, it completely changes the dynamic and the baby becomes priority. Your DH is trying to ensure his existing children aren’t left our and that’s the right thing to do.

ivykaty44 · 15/12/2019 08:15

No one else is allowed to take their children but you are taking your child, you can’t be seen as fair if you have reason to take yours...express milk and leave baby at home with sitter

BlackSwanGreen · 15/12/2019 08:17

YANBU to say the step son can't come if other employees aren't bringing their DC. I agree that a breastfed newborn is different.

DH is not BU for wanting to make sure his sons don't feel left out, but he should achieve that by staying at home with them and missing the party himself.

ivykaty44 · 15/12/2019 08:17

And I add go carting for a 13 year old boy is going to be so much fun, not like the baby will appreciate it

BlackSwanGreen · 15/12/2019 08:19

Expressing milk isn't that easy for some women! I really struggled to pump enough to leave the baby for longer than one feed.

OhChristmasTreee · 15/12/2019 08:19

Surely if you genuinely can’t leave your baby to attend a Christmas do (or a hen do or whatever) then you don’t go??

Wouldn’t have occurred to me to take a baby to a party/event whatever if kids weren’t invited. Some people don’t like that.

drspouse · 15/12/2019 08:19

I don't think taking a BF newborn is "including" them!

user1493413286 · 15/12/2019 08:30

It sounds like it’d be odd to take your step son if no other kids other than a breastfed baby are going; it’s not really about including his step son when the baby is so young.
My DH was a bit extra sensitive about including DSD for the first few months after our DD was born. I think he felt a bit guilty and was extra alert to making sure she didn’t feel left out. It did pass after a while as we found a new normal really.

Fuckwheresitgone · 15/12/2019 09:01

Are you not on Maternity leave? I can see both view points, but if I couldn't leave my baby I wouldn't go, added to which if it's go karting won't it be really loud? Not great for a three month old. If you and your husband where out for a meal would the baby come? I think you and your husband need to decide how you are both going to move forward, so your step son doesn't feel ousted (he is only 13, he may seem grown up when you have a baby, but he's not and its a lot for a 13 year old to process; he's probably feeling insecure that with a new baby will take all his dad's love and attention, so his dad is trying to re-assure him he'll never be second best).

Clangus00 · 15/12/2019 09:03

I think he’s right too.
He doesn’t want his son to feel pushed out (yes, most 13 year olds would realise that a baby won’t be going go carting).
Easy answer is dad stays home with the 13 year old and you and the baby go.

yikesanotherbooboo · 15/12/2019 09:07

I think your DH should go for a fun activity with DsS and you should go to activity with the little baby.
I would expect/ assume that any babe in arms ( particularly if BF) would accompany their mother to ( almost) any event including Christmas party, wedding or whatever.

TheReef · 15/12/2019 09:14

Tbh with a baby and in your situation I'd not go. I'd probably stick my head in with the baby, have a soft drink then leave them to it. Are your employees really going to want a new born at a Christmas do? I presume you won't be go-karting and expect someone to 'hold the baby'

Original poster

Jamjar2018 · 15/12/2019 09:15

I find it strange the concept that a teenager would feel left out that a breastfed baby who doesn’t even know his own name yet or will appreciate what is going on is coming with us.
It’s not about the event being fun or appropriate for a teenager, it’s fun for the staff and partners if they choose to bring them.
My dad owns the business and therefore my mum is going so she is going to hold the baby so I can have a bit of fun. The other employees don’t mind and have asked me to bring the baby as I haven’t seen them since I had him and they want to meet him. I thought it would be nice to have to a fun afternoon with my DH after a stressful few months adjusting to having a new baby. Clearly until the baby is weaned and I can leave him we can’t do that.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3