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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Joint presents

57 replies

MrsMigginsTheOriginal · 14/12/2019 10:15

How normal is it for divorced parents to give their late teen children joint birthday and Christmas gifts ? This has only started this year after 4 years divorce ? This is our first Christmas together in our new home.

OP posts:
Elhan · 14/12/2019 17:22

If you don't want your partners ex in your house it's your choice my god. I don't want my fellas ex in mine either, doesn't mean we walk around hating each other, but we also don't have to be friends. I think it's strange when exs do go and sit in the new partners home, there's absolutely no need to.

aSofaNearYou · 14/12/2019 17:25

@Mulledwineinajug

At risk of being lynched, not everything a step parent does is entirely based around their step children feeling supreme comfort, there will be a line somewhere, and being uncomfortable in her own home may be it.

Many exes are antagonistic, abusive and/or disrespectful towards the step parents, and whilst they can do little about it and are expected to be polite and civil for the sake of their step children, they have every right not to want that in their home. Just as nobody would invite the school bully who has targeted their step kids over.

The children don't NEED to see their mum in the other house, that's not an essential part of amicable coparenting.

Mulledwineinajug · 14/12/2019 17:32

I wonder whether the children would consider it essential @asofanearyou
?

Tyersal · 14/12/2019 17:55

@mulledwineinajug they may do but if the step parent sees it as essential they aren't and actually has a valid reason that it would make them uncomfortable in their own home then sadly that's what needs to happen, certainly in my home anyway

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 18:00

Fairly normal i think though something weve never done.

And YABVVU to say that the dc’s mother can’t enter your home! That’s outrageous

No its not. Dss mother cant enter my home, i expect she feels the same about me.

aSofaNearYou · 14/12/2019 18:11

@Mulledwineinajug

It doesn't really matter if they do, it isn't, and their view doesn't supersede one of the other people in the house not being comfortable with it. I would not want someone that has been as disrespectful to me as my partner in my home around my things. It's not a rule we have mentioned but it isn't happening.

Dandelion1993 · 14/12/2019 18:17

You sound like a problem op.

As the parents they can buy things together if they want too.

Babyg1995 · 14/12/2019 18:18

I get you not wanting her in your new home I'm like this with my ex don't want him in my home ever that I share with dp he's not seen the children since we moved a couple of years ago anyway .
Same goes for dps ex she's a nightmare though .why is she making it a joint gift ?

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 18:46

dandelion how does she sound like " a problem" all she did is ask if its normal Hmm

Tyersal · 14/12/2019 19:06

@bollykecks because she dared to ask

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 19:09

Yes @tyersal op must have missed the page in the step parenting rule book where it says "thou shalt act like a doormat and have no say nor opinion, on anything, ever again as that is whats best for the children"

lunar1 · 14/12/2019 19:30

They can always go for dinner or something with their children to give the gifts if neither home is appropriate. There are ways round things without anyone feeling uncomfortable.

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 19:31

lunar1 somehow i dont think op would be happy with that either. (Neither would i fwiw)

LolaSmiles · 14/12/2019 19:39

It’s far better for the children if parents can co parent together and be amicable
I agree and part of that means that there needs to be coordination on presents or trips or other big things especially as the children get older.

I'd find it really odd for a partner to say "no you can't coparent and make present arrangements in a logical way that is best for the children because I don't like it" or to read into amicable co-parenting as having some sort of weird agenda.

Pipandmum · 14/12/2019 19:45

Why does she need to be there? The kids get the gift from their dad and mum, they don't need the actual person to be there - I'm sure they can understand the concept.

Fairycake2 · 14/12/2019 19:56

My ex and I don't buy joint presents for our daughter and I don't think we ever will. It really all depends on the set up and how well everyone gets on

LolaSmiles · 14/12/2019 20:07

fairy
Whereas I know quite a few couples who did separate presents until their DC got to an age where they started asking for games consoles, expensive bikes, laptops, phones etc and then they did some joint ones.

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2019 22:53

Ignore the spiteful commenters OP.

This board has really gone downhill in terms of step parent bashing in the last few weeks or so.

It feels like certain posters just wait in the wings to stick the boot in.

There are more supportive step parent forums out there.

Original poster
MrsMigginsTheOriginal · 15/12/2019 08:53

The woman is not violent or smelly but then I have never met her. I do know she drinks heavily.

I am entitled to say who comes into my house or not . My H does not want her in the house.

The kids are late teens - it doesn't matter that their mother has never seen the inside of our house .

Banning an ex from the house her children are in seems very mean and is not the message I would want to be giving children She shouts at my H in front of the kids about not coming into the house one time when he needed the toilet. She never drives the kids to us .

Sorry I have confused people. They have NOT bought joint presents since they split up until this year when it was her idea . My H and I have bought presents as well so kids get a good deal as it were . My H has NO motivation to give a joint present but is doing so as it creates less of a "shitstorm" from her.

Yes I was just asking how normal this was . I do believe though that this is an excuse to message and keep in contact with my H as she is at a loose end right now as no boyfriend currently. Thanks for all the comments.

OP posts:
MzHz · 15/12/2019 09:06

Your last paragraph is EXACTLY why she’s driving this...

Nowt wrong with your instincts love!

ColaFreezePop · 15/12/2019 12:59

I do believe though that this is an excuse to message and keep in contact with my H as she is at a loose end right now as no boyfriend currently.

Your husband needs to turn around and say "No". If the children are old enough to sort out their own contact arrangements and talk to both parents, he needs to send her calls to voicemail and ignore all other irrelevant messages from her.

snowball28 · 16/12/2019 01:41

My DP ex is trying this rubbish this year, they never done joint presents before but now all of a sudden she’s messaging constantly to ask ‘what are we getting xxxx for Christmas’ when really it should be ‘what are you and snow getting xxxx for Christmas’ DP hasn’t responded but obviously DSD has shared what she’s asked for and now ex is blowing up his phone wanting to buy a £15 add on to the £100+ gift we saved for, and to add insult to injury she wants to have it to open with DSD and put from her and daddy on the fucking tag.

I’m like what am I chopped liver? The gift was bought from me and DP with half my money, I’ve wrapped it and gone to all the effort so it’ll be given from me and him and given on our ‘fake Christmas’ the weekend before.

She has form for not buying her kid anything for Christmas or birthdays and just passing off others gifts as hers which infuriates me as DSD still thinks the iPad is from her mum when it’s actually from me and DP. Not happening this year.

Chocmallows · 16/12/2019 01:48

If he wants to pay half he can do and tell DC he has done that, but it ends there, no going in each other's houses as there's really no need!

Sotiredofthislife · 16/12/2019 06:34

I do believe though that this is an excuse to message and keep in contact with my H as she is at a loose end right now as no boyfriend currently

Unfortunately, the children are a reason to keep in contact with an ex, boyfriend or no boyfriend. Strangely enough, not everything is about pissing off the ex or trying to cause problems with a new partner.

JaJoJe · 16/12/2019 10:14

depends on the gift and relationship.

For something big like a car where the parents are amicable for the kids sake (or even friends) then I wouldn't be surprised but if they're splitting a bottle of lynx africa between them then I would be confused.