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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Joint presents

57 replies

MrsMigginsTheOriginal · 14/12/2019 10:15

How normal is it for divorced parents to give their late teen children joint birthday and Christmas gifts ? This has only started this year after 4 years divorce ? This is our first Christmas together in our new home.

OP posts:

Aragog · 14/12/2019 10:29

I think it depends on the gift. My friends are divorced and some years they buy their dc a joint big gift and other times separate smaller gift. It's depended on what the child is getting for Christmas. They didn't want to be going down the road of the child getting two expensive gifts and then both spending excess amounts of money. Took a while for them to get to that point in some ways as early days there was still obvious friction from the divorce fall out.

I know with some of dd's friends who have divorced parents it's the same - it varies and depends on what the 'main' gift will be.

wineisneedednow · 14/12/2019 10:45

I think it's very normal when the main gift is very, very expensive.

I would be ensuring that expectations are managed though. If both parents pay for the gift, then both parents are entitled to see the child opening the gift and get the appreciation from the child for getting the gift. This might mean having your ex at your house on Xmas morning or waiting to give the gift until both you and ex are together.

Original poster

MrsMigginsTheOriginal · 14/12/2019 11:01

They are late teens , not young children and it is my H's ex. Point being there is no way she is coming into my home.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 14/12/2019 11:10

Pretty normal. My ex and I have done this when we both contributed to expensive things for our teens. There’s no point in us both spending smaller amounts and giving a present each when buying together would mean being able to give the most wanted and needed present.

My ex has come over to our house for presents like this, and thankfully my dh never had a problem with welcoming my children’s father into their home.

Mulledwineinajug · 14/12/2019 11:15

Absolutely normal. And YABVVU to say that the dc’s mother can’t enter your home! That’s outrageous.

Maybe83 · 14/12/2019 11:18

Normal.

My dd 17 doesnt need two laptops or phones or beats.

So if it's very expensive we might go half and buy our own additional presents.

Who ever house she stays in xmas eve gives it to her.

What is your problem with it exactly?

aSofaNearYou · 14/12/2019 11:19

As others have said, normal if it's an expensive gift and they shouldn't really be getting anything on top of it, a bit weird if it's small token things. And no, you don't have to have her in your home if you don't want to (though I know you didn't ask that)

JasonPollack · 14/12/2019 11:19

Why can't she come into your home?

MzHz · 14/12/2019 11:57

your first year/Christmas at home together?

Hmm... sounds like someone’s ex is clinging on a little too much

What kind of gift is it? Is it a very expensive gift? If so yes it is understandable that it’s a joint gift, if not then this is daft and unnecessary (IMVHO) it sounds more like someone can’t be arsed to do the present shopping. If that’s your h, he needs to step up and start being a better parent

There is no need for anyone to come over to anyone’s house for the gift to be given, the kids are old enough to know it’s a joint gift and both parents need to be thanked. So wherever the gift is, that’s who gifts it on behalf of the both of them.

This is on the assumption that you’ve got a good reason not to have her anywhere near you.

I’d not want my oh ex anywhere in my COUNTY as me tbh, but that IS for good reason.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/12/2019 12:28

Absolutely normal. And YABVVU to say that the dc’s mother can’t enter your home! That’s outrageous.

No it's not. Neither of our exes come into our house, even when they pick the kids up. There's no need.

Tyersal · 14/12/2019 13:07

Re the gift I think that's up to them and whatever works best for the child is fine, better than wasting money on something they don't want. Pick your battles, the actual buying doesn't affect you too much and makes everyone else happy. An option might be for them to give half the value each as a gift and then go shopping in the Jan sales for it. Not really the same to unwrap but depending on the age and outlook of the child that might not be an issue.

Re coming into your home I'm with you all the way, over my dead body would the ex be in my home and if it happened against my wishes that would be game over for the relationship.

Original poster

MrsMigginsTheOriginal · 14/12/2019 13:11

Neither my ex H or H's ex will be in here . This is our space - our new home and she has no place in it . Our choice. They are not little children . He is not allowed in his ex's home .

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMigginsTheOriginal · 14/12/2019 13:12

Yes I get the point about each paying half for e.g AirPods or whatever BUT she didn't do this before this year . My H buys the present and actually I have wrapped things to make them nice.

OP posts:

Tyersal · 14/12/2019 13:14

Have they bought such expensive gifts before?

Original poster

MrsMigginsTheOriginal · 14/12/2019 13:16

Yes my H spent more than half of the price of AirPods last year .

OP posts:

Greendayz · 14/12/2019 14:33

Is the problem that you feel excluded yourself? Like, either you have to sort your own present to the DSC, or not give them anything? Could the big joint present come from you as well as both the parents? I think you could be reading too much into their motivations for giving a joint present, but can see it leaves you a bit on the sidelines.

Grobagsforever · 14/12/2019 15:22

Is this woman violent or smelly? Why else would you need to exclude her from your house?

You sound very dramatic and high maintenance. She's a person, you're a person. It's a house. Get over yourself

stuffedpeppers · 14/12/2019 15:56

it is so lovely when separated parents treat the other one like shit. I used to drive 2-3 hours to drop my DCS off every Frida round the M25 to see their father in rush hour.
Never even allowed in for a pee - could not stop on the way because if they were late then they got no supper. Would deliver and door invariably slammed in my face.
Crosslegged ride to nearest scuzzy petrol station for a well earned piss and then drive back for 3-4 hours.

I did not want to go into their house - but facts of nature do sometimes happen.

They have bought joint presents before - so why do you now have a problem with it.

7yo7yo · 14/12/2019 16:01

I wouldn’t let her in my house either.

littleduckeggblue · 14/12/2019 16:16

@Mulledwineinajug are you serious? Of course it's not outrageous that the ex wife can't come into the house?
You are really weird to say such a thing

Mulledwineinajug · 14/12/2019 16:21

Not weird at all. Unless the ex is dangerous or abusive of course. How awful for the children that their other parent isn’t welcome in what is their home.

Lucylou321 · 14/12/2019 16:22

My DH's ex has tried this one before. Example being she told teen DSS he was allowed an expensive games console for Xmas and then expected DH to pay half towards it when she was going to take all the credit for it and have it at her house for us to never even see it. She didn't even discuss it with DH before she told DSS it was happening. Personally I prefer the idea that DH buys things himself for DSC and they are then able to have use of them at our house otherwise everything is always at their mums even when it's stuff DH has paid for as their mum won't allow them to have "her" stuff at ours. I don't think YABU at all.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/12/2019 16:23

It’s far better for the children if parents can co parent together and be amicable. Banning an ex from the house her children are in seems very mean and is not the message I would want to be giving children.

Mulledwineinajug · 14/12/2019 16:23

No it's not. Neither of our exes come into our house, even when they pick the kids up. There's no need.

Other than for the children to feel comfortable and have no divided loyalties, no reason at all.
It’s the children’s home too and their other parent can’t come in and is totally excluded from that part of their life, hasn’t even seen where they live? Doesn’t sound very fair to me.

Tyersal · 14/12/2019 17:19

@mulledwineinajug life isn't fair. A lot of the things the ex has said and done werent fair but she did then anyway and her actions have consequences

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