Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Not cut up to be a step mum :(

46 replies

lottylavine · 12/12/2019 17:04

Hello,

I’ve been with my partner for almost two years now and have a 18 month old son. My problem is I feel like I’m disliking my step son (8-year-old) more and more by the day. We have him full time and visits his mum twice a month (every other weekend), I feel a lot happier when he goes for two days and it always seems to go so quick.

I feel like I’m struggling because I feel his mum or dad don’t do anything for him, it’s always me having to organise things and make him happy. His mum pays no child maintenance and I feel like I’m really struggling as two years ago it was just me, on my own going to work and enjoying life.

Most days I just want to leave as it’s always me having to pick up the pieces when things go wrong. He is a sweet child to his dad and mum but talks to me as if I’m an idiot :(

I want out but part of me wants to believe that things will get better, can anyone advise me on past experience? It would be much appreciated.

Many thanks x

OP posts:
Tyersal · 12/12/2019 17:36

Why are you doing everything?

Youseethethingis · 12/12/2019 17:42

”He is a sweet child to his dad and mum but talks to me as if I’m an idiot“
My DSD is 8 and often stroppy and cheeky and difficult with her mum (her mum said this while asking for feedback on her behaviour with us), her mum is the person who would do anything at all for her, lives and breathes for her child, the person that provides her main home and care (we have EOW, adhoc BH and in service days, sick days, half of all holidays). However, her mum is her safe place to rage at. She’s not as familiar with us and our home. I really think it comes down to that. It’s not that she loves her mum less or that her dad is a super duper parent - he’s a lovely dad, just not a miracle worker!
I think something similar may be at work here, although you’ve not been around all that long in the grand scheme of things.
At least you’ve recognised that it’s not actually DSS at fault here, it’s resentment of his useless parents. Why does his mum pay nothing? If she’s one of these idiots that thinks she gave birth therefore doesn’t have to pay, she’s so so wrong. Why does his dad do nothing? What would happen if you stopped providing all these things and sorting it when things go wrong?
I’d have a serious chat with your DP and explain he can either step up for his son within the relationship and or refuse and be left alone to do everything for him anyway. It’s that simple.

Original poster
lottylavine · 12/12/2019 17:57

My partner works, leaves before 7 and comes back at 7. By the time he gets back we have dinner, watch tv and go to bed. Weekends are all about house work.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottylavine · 12/12/2019 18:05

Since becoming a parent myself, I feel that it’s so wrong. I couldn’t imagine my son living at a different address to mine, my partner had got full custody of my step son as he got taken from her due to child neglect (drugs)

She now has a 5 month old, and it’s all about the new baby 🙄 my step son has told me she has been buying so many new things for the baby when she couldn’t even buy him school shoes! I think she is an apauling parent.

If I wasn’t here my partner would have to put him into childcare which was originally £550 a month. He is being dragged up rather than being bought up. I feel like a single parent not only to my son but also to my step son too. I feel that I’m being so dramatic 😔

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 12/12/2019 18:42

He's not being dragged up because it sounds like you are taking care of his needs where as his feckless parents are not. Your husband needs to seriously consider whether he's is actually better if with his Mum seeing as he is working so much, he's actually not able to provide much care at all.
Your husband is not coming across any better than his ex in this given that he leaves you to do everything and pay for everything for his son.
Your husband is the problem, not your step son.

LatentPhase · 12/12/2019 19:17

What did he do re looking after his son before you came along, OP?

Lweji · 12/12/2019 19:27

I suspect he's feeling insecure regarding the new baby and maybe dad.
How old is your son?

SD1978 · 12/12/2019 19:37

Together two years and 18monrh old baby. So pregnant as soon as you met- did you move in straight away also? He obviously managed to bring his son up for 6 years if he had sole custody, so how did that happen? Either you need to sit down and have a talk with your partner that probably should have been done before getting pregnant, accept this is the way it is, or leave.

Lweji · 12/12/2019 19:55

Ups, missed the first sentence.

I'd suggest replying "I love you too" when he's not behaving properly.
I think he wants reassurance from the constant person in his life. Kids test people to see if they still stay.

Original poster
lottylavine · 12/12/2019 20:02

My partner got full custody just as I found out I was pregnant. I moved in with him 3 months later as my tenancy in a house share came to an end. At the time he was taking his son to a childminder.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottylavine · 12/12/2019 20:06

It’s not a black and white situation. He won’t let his son get looked after his mum as she didn’t even want to have him full time only a year ago. We both think it’s best he stays with us as his mum is really good at playing mind games too. It’s an awful situation.

OP posts:
Pipstelle · 12/12/2019 20:07

Send the stepson back to the childminders. You don't need to be his stay at home mum. It's too much. If that makes it tolerable then stay. If not then you have a harder decision. But I wouldn't be talked to like an idiot by him.

FFSFFSFFS · 12/12/2019 20:13

I think that this is a very difficult situation and I can understand your resentment.

However - this poor poor poor child.

It sounds like you do realise that you could make an ENORMOUS difference in this poor child's life. If you can try to keep remembering that I think that could help you and ultimately actually be incredibly rewarding

Practically I also think that you need to discuss with your partner how he needs to understand what you are doing and he needs to contribute more. Why not make one whole day of the weekend a family day? Also - can the child go to an after school club or something (that he enjoys - not so that he feels fobbed off?)

FFSFFSFFS · 12/12/2019 20:15

Ignore Pipstelle - no matter what you have a responsibility to remember that you are dealing with a vulnerable child! (which it sounds very much like you do appreciate!!)

Pipstelle · 12/12/2019 20:19

Bollocks does she have a responsibility to this child. This child has two parents neither of which are her. She's given more than she has to give and needs to put in place boundaries that make her life livable. If she broke up with the father she'd likely never see this child again. She is in an incredibly vulnerable position.

FFSFFSFFS · 12/12/2019 20:48

Pipstelle - we all have a responsibility as adults when we are dealing with vulnerable children.

jelly79 · 12/12/2019 22:55

How open are you to your partner about how you feel? This got to be crucial

Original poster
lottylavine · 12/12/2019 23:02

I haven’t spoke to my partner about this as he is an emotional individual and I feel that this is something I have to keep to myself.

I don’t love my step son but I feel that sometimes I’m staying for his sake of that makes any sense?

OP posts:
Sotiredofthislife · 13/12/2019 04:42

Send the stepson back to the childminders. You don't need to be his stay at home mum

The child lives in the OP’s household. There needs to be some parity between children, surely? Otherwise one child has his upbringing one way, and the other child quite differently. That’s just sharing a house, not a partnership and is sure as hell isn’t family.

Mumdiva99 · 13/12/2019 04:50

You have to speak to your partner. If not about you leaving then you need to couch it around the child's needs. He's living only with one parent, his mum has a new child, the boy is feeling vulnerable, surely if you are saving all the childminder fees for your partner then he can afford to take a pay cut at work and work less hours. Can he finish in time to pick his son up from school one day a week? (And be home to do bedtime for your joint child too....and give you freedom to pursue an evening hobby).

Babamamananarama · 13/12/2019 05:24

Wow I feel for you.
It does sound like you realise what a difference the stability you are providing is going to make to your SS, long term. But it must be so hard being thrown into parenting an 8 yr old, and looking after a little one too. 18m is such an exhausting age.
Two suggestions - firstly if you are going to outsource some of the domestic labour (and there's no way you should be doing all of it) then rather than childcare, get a cleaner. Claw back your weekend so you get a decent rest.
Secondly - give it another 18m, and with a 3 yr old you'll be in a different place, less exhausted and with a bit more capacity. Not saying you have to suck it up, but it's worth realising that things are pretty intense right now.
Saying that, your partner does need to make himself more available to your son. You've got the teenage years looming and he needs his dad around more for that.

IdiotInDisguise · 13/12/2019 05:37

If you don’t talk nothing changes, if by “emotional” you mean fly off the handle, you know the sooner you leave the better.

If not that type of emotional, I would say you still need some help, there is nothing wrong with sending DSS to the childminder for a few days a week so you can get some respite.

I would say as well that if he is leaving you with the responsibility to care for both kids during the week he needs to help more and give you a rest on the weekends. If he doesn’t... wouldn’t you be better on your own?

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 13/12/2019 06:05

Well he saw you coming didnt he op. You sound unhappy, this relationship it sounds very unequal. You effectively in a short space of time gone from a new relationship, to moving in becoming a stepmom, parenting two children in the space of two years full time. If you're not happy op leave and crave our a fresh live for yourself and you're little one. Him gone from 7-7 every day whilst you're doing the bulk of the childcare and one child isn't youres plus housework on the weekends isnt on.

Original poster
lottylavine · 13/12/2019 06:37

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your help, I will talk to my partner tonight. I don’t like I’m really in the wrong here with my feelings. I’m really dreading it as it goes to an extreme to the point my partner packs a massive suitcase and tells my step son that they aren’t wanted.. fingers crossed it doesn’t come to that !!

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 13/12/2019 06:44

He packs a massive suitcase and strops off? He’s a man-baby. Therein lies your real problem.

You can’t change him. But do point out to him that he will be needing that child-minder again if he can’t speak about this like a grown up.

Poor you. Good luck tonight, I feel you’re gonna need it Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread