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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Not cut up to be a step mum :(

46 replies

lottylavine · 12/12/2019 17:04

Hello,

I’ve been with my partner for almost two years now and have a 18 month old son. My problem is I feel like I’m disliking my step son (8-year-old) more and more by the day. We have him full time and visits his mum twice a month (every other weekend), I feel a lot happier when he goes for two days and it always seems to go so quick.

I feel like I’m struggling because I feel his mum or dad don’t do anything for him, it’s always me having to organise things and make him happy. His mum pays no child maintenance and I feel like I’m really struggling as two years ago it was just me, on my own going to work and enjoying life.

Most days I just want to leave as it’s always me having to pick up the pieces when things go wrong. He is a sweet child to his dad and mum but talks to me as if I’m an idiot :(

I want out but part of me wants to believe that things will get better, can anyone advise me on past experience? It would be much appreciated.

Many thanks x

OP posts:

Betterbegoing · 13/12/2019 06:50

Sorry, you think it’s a possibility he could treat his own son like that, if you make it clear you expect him to parent his own? That’s disgusting!! He sounds worse the more you post. Really saw you coming didnt he?

slipperywhensparticus · 13/12/2019 07:05

If he does that and tells an eight year old "they arnt wanted" for the love of everything say to the eight year old he is wanted this child is struggling right now with two parents who dont want him and a step mom who feels bad but doesnt want him either fucking lie to him for his emotional health

Coyoacan · 13/12/2019 07:07

Telling a child that they are not wanted by their main care-giver is cruel and particularly so when said child has already been rejected by his own mother

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 13/12/2019 07:09

That poor child.
Dad meets a new lady, she's pregnant and moved in after 3 months.
Mum has a new baby the following year.
He's probably questioning his place in the family and acting out, you're the one receiving the bulk of the attitude because you've been the only constant in his life for the past 2 years.
You need to tell your oh he needs to step up and be home now during the week maybe home for 5 once or twice and as pp said a weekend day dedicated to the family.

When you talk to him, if he starts getting stroppy, tell him he's acting like a child when all you're asking for is more support with ss and the house. Could you possibly frame the conversation around what's best for the children?

FFSFFSFFS · 13/12/2019 08:26

Just coming in again to say thank you for really caring about the interests of this poor little boy at what is understandably a real cost for you.

In terms of wanting out - as well as the concern about who will then look after this young boy - I think its also worth remembering that he is your child's half-sibling - so will never be out of your life. So I don't think it is as clear cut as just being able to opt out.

All the best. When your step son is being horrible to you I do think it will help to remember that this is coming from him being in an awful lot of emotional pain

aSofaNearYou · 13/12/2019 08:44

Absolutely ridiculous that people are saying you have a responsibility to sacrifice your life for this kid.

His situation is very sad, both of his parents are dreadful, but you have already given him absolutely loads of yourself and it is not your responsibility. It is admirable that you have tried to do it but way out of line to guilt trip you into it on the part of PPs here. If you don't want to basically adopt a child that isn't yours then don't do it. If that's the only reason you're staying then you should leave.

Your partner needs to parent his child, that should be very obvious to him and he should be extremely grateful that you've been doing it for him, not throwing a strop as soon as you mention that it is hard for you. He is not worth being with.

Leave, and he can sort out a child minder like he did before.

mummmy2017 · 13/12/2019 08:54

So this poor child never sees his dad.
Yeah the dad needs to step up and change that.
I think you have a frightened boy, who feels unwanted.

Lweji · 13/12/2019 09:13

Did he work the same hours when he was a single dad?

Is the 8 year old already in bed when he arrives?
How do the both of you spend the weekend on housework?
Surely it shouldn't be more than one morning between the two for cleaning. One day to do washing, less if you're a Sahp.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 13/12/2019 09:15

So it’s not your SS’s fault, it’s your feckless husband’s.

crazyhead · 13/12/2019 10:21

Can you try working out what would (if anything) make this situation bearable for you? What could a cleaner, babysitter, you having a day off or morning off at the weekend while you partner has both kids do in terms of giving you space? It’s not the little boy‘s fault and it’s not yours - something clearly has to give to make life nicer for you. What ‚you‘ things do you get right now?

HeckyPeck · 13/12/2019 20:49

Rubbish. You absolutely can leave if you aren’t happy OP.

You only get one like and your “D”P does not sound like a kind or loving partner.

TheCanyon · 13/12/2019 22:43

I’ve been with my partner for almost two years now and have a 18 month old son

Is he your partners son? I presume so. This is a shit show of it's finest, too much too soon. Christ I love and pander to several children in my home that I spent 20+ hours looking after each week with more compassion than you do.

Get out now for both you and the childrens sakes

Original poster

lottylavine · 14/12/2019 22:02

@crazyhead

OP posts:

Original poster

lottylavine · 14/12/2019 22:10

@crazyhead

So we had the talk and said things need to change, I told him I'm seriously thinking of leaving because of the financial strain we are in, I left work mid-October as I wasn't happy for his alcoholic mother looking after the boys. We couldn't put the children into childcare due to both of us commuting, hence why I had to leave my work.

We both agreed that he needs to start getting trains rather than using buses which takes a decade to get anywhere, once I have found a permanent job both the boys will go into childcare.

He says this has been a shit year, we hate the house we moved into in August, a lot has been going on. He believe's I'm going through ante-natal depression and should see a GP as soon as.

In regards to the SS I think I would appreciate him if he wasn't there 24/7 like now when I'm not working, I feel getting a job would be helpful right now, fingers crossed I find one soon and hope to store my sanity!

OP posts:

crazyhead · 15/12/2019 09:50

That sounds really sensible lottylevine, and I agree about getting a job. You sound like a decent, kind person who has just got too much on their shoulders. It’s a good sign that you have had a sensible, constructive conversation, and I would bet that some of your difficult feelings towards your stepson will dissipate when you have a bit more for yourself back in your life. I‘ve felt truly murderous feelings when I have been under too much strain - it’s always a sign things need a shake up.

Original poster

lottylavine · 15/12/2019 15:03

... and if things don’t start changing at least I can say I’ve tried !

OP posts:

Lweji · 15/12/2019 15:55

He believe's I'm going through ante-natal depression and should see a GP as soon as.

So, you're the problem, not him?

BilboBercow · 17/12/2019 18:17

You can't have an 18 month old if you've not been together 2 years. Your maths is off

Grobagsforever · 18/12/2019 19:59

Yes I also want to know the answer to that @BilboBercow

Stegosaurus1990 · 19/12/2019 16:15

Absolutely ridiculous that people are saying you have a responsibility to sacrifice your life for this kid.

Totally agree. I presume every poster on this thread encouraging OP to put her DSS’ life before her own has their spare room filled with a child who would otherwise be in care? No. Didn’t think so.

This is very sad, but the child is not OP’s responsibility and she should not be making herself miserable, nor putting her life on hold to elevate the parents of their responsibilities.

OP can you not reach a compromise and atleast use a childminder some of the time? Your time with your own son is precious and you don’t want to look back regretting ploughing all your energy into your DSS.

It sounds like life would be easier for you if you were single.

AFemale · 22/12/2019 22:37

He sounds like a twat. What kind of parent packs a case and tells their child they aren't wanted?

And his response to you trying to talk to him is to suggest you see a doctor because he thinks you have post natal a depression?

If he cared about you and genuinely thought you had postnatal depression why has he only decided to mention it after you ask him to step up and help more with his child?

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