Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Advice for a male friend seperated but still under the ex control

38 replies

Kimbo180 · 09/12/2019 17:12

So just putting up this tread for a male friend that needs advice so hes 45 seperated 5 years with 3 kids ( 21, 19 and 6). He does everything for his children he pays maintance highest amount for the youngest. Half schooling, medical expenses etc. Anyway regardless of that he is getting very frustranted at the amount of control the ex wife thinks she has over him. He seem to do anything without her questioning him. What advice do i give him hes getting very down and hate to seem him like this as she uses kids as weapons if he stands up to her

OP posts:
Sotiredofthislife · 09/12/2019 18:32

21 and 19 year old he can have a relationship without involving the ex.

The 6 year old is more complex but Some of your comments are odd: highest maintenance? Presumably he made an agreement with his ex to put his child in a fee paying school so half is reasonable and if not in the UK, taking responsibility for half of the child’s medical expenses is also reasonable.

In England, a Court Order isn’t particularly difficult to get which would help regulate contact. The rest he needs to learn to ignore.

TowelNumber42 · 09/12/2019 18:34

Men can post here. Tell him to start a thread. He might prefer Dadsnet though.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 09/12/2019 18:34

Highest maintenance? What does that mean?

Anyway it isn’t clear in your post what he needs advice on specifically. You say his ex thinks she has control over him but what specific issues is he having?

WinnieTheW0rm · 09/12/2019 18:35

You leave him to find his own way through it.

Be a friend, listen to him, but don't even begin to attempt to fix this (or tell him to fix it or how to fix it)

Original poster
Kimbo180 · 09/12/2019 18:54

Sorry im.only new to this. Thanks for the heads up about dadsnet he might be able to get some answers there. Ahh just usual issues like theres always a problem... example ...if he wants to go away him and few mates go away for a sporting event twice yearly same dates every year have been doin for the last 20years that she use to go to aswell but now all off a sudden when the weekend is on theres and excuse for him to do childcare he has them every weekend. And gets tbe 6 year old to ring him...just dont know what to be saying to him anymore. Tbh i dont think shes over him. But im glad yous suggested dadsnet

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimbo180 · 09/12/2019 19:03

I dont know what does be wrong with people like that if ye seperate move on be happy do the duties ur suppose to do as a parent but dont make the other one suffer becoz theyre not with you or marching to your tune i just dont get people like that thats just me own opionon on the suitation

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 09/12/2019 19:03

If he has the child every weekend then that’s his contact time, not childcare. Is he just booking his weekends away and assuming she will have the child without asking if it suits her?

Original poster
Kimbo180 · 09/12/2019 19:30

No he give her dates. Surely to god she can arrange something else on those two times a year

OP posts:
Adenosine · 09/12/2019 19:35

You sound very invested in this based on scant detail. What is the purpose of this thread? Clearly we can't advise if you don't have all the facts and figures. On the other hand if you just want people to agree with you that she's a bitch why don't you go down the pub and have a good old gossip with a bunch of other people who likewise don't know all the information but will presumably enjoy the interaction regardless because they know you.

usersouthcoast · 09/12/2019 19:36

She may not be able to arrange something else twice yearly?
He's not doing childcare at the weekends, he's parenting. Why doesn't he see if him and his friends can book annual leave during the week for their trips away?
Just because he pays the 'highest maintenance', and HALF of costs for the child, and sees his children two out of seven days, doesn't make him the perfect father.

JolieOBrien · 09/12/2019 19:37

He sounds like a doormat

usersouthcoast · 09/12/2019 19:38

Is the mother a doormat for looking after her children Monday to Friday?

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 09/12/2019 19:39

Surely to god she can arrange something else on those two times a year

Umm, why would she? It’s his contact time. It’s his job to arrange childcare for his contact time if he isn’t available to do it.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 09/12/2019 19:41

Oh yeah, what’s this “highest” maintenance? Are you saying he pays the highest level of child maintenance that exists? That’s thousands a week.

usersouthcoast · 09/12/2019 19:43

He probably pays what he legally has to!

There was a thread a short while ago about a dad who paid something like £80k a year in child maintenance. I don't know why, but I have a sneaky suspicion the Dad in this thread doesn't pay as much.

Adenosine · 09/12/2019 19:43

Do you think he'll sleep with you if you offer him sympathy and internet legal advice, OP?

ChequerBoard · 09/12/2019 19:45

You only know his side of the story. Put your stirring spoon away and leave him to parent as he sees fit.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 09/12/2019 19:47

Do you think he'll sleep with you if you offer him sympathy and internet legal advice, OP?

He probably already is- that’s what the “mate’s” weekend away is Grin

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2019 19:48

There was a thread a short while ago about a dad who paid something like £80k a year in child maintenance. I don't know why, but I have a sneaky suspicion the Dad in this thread doesn't pay as much.

Most people don’t earn that from a ft job so how is that relevant?

TowelNumber42 · 09/12/2019 19:50

Does she work weekends? If he always has the children at the weekend then it is down to him to book childcare at the weekend if he wants to go away without the children. Same as if the mum wanted to go out on a Thursday night she'd have to book a babysitter.

I wouldn't trust everything told to you by a divorced man about his financial and childcare arrangements.

TheJoxter · 09/12/2019 19:57

There’s isn’t a ‘highest’ rate of maintenance, it’s proportional to the NRPs income, and the rate CMS comes up with (something like 15% of income for one child) is the MINIMUM the NRP legally has to pay.

Having his own child for a weekend isn’t ‘childcare’, it’s parenting. It sounds like he’s bitter about the ex being able to do things other than spend all her time looking after the kids. He should arrange childcare if he’s not available during his contact time.

Original poster
Kimbo180 · 09/12/2019 20:21

God the first post i put up and ye get attacked anyway it will be probly be me last wasnt calling anyone a bitch ...see all the golden uteres out in force again

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 09/12/2019 20:22
Grin
Starlight456 · 09/12/2019 20:25

What are you in this situation ? Do you plan to go to the event ?

What is highest maintenance cms minimum ?

MadameButterface · 09/12/2019 20:29

Lol wat