Advice for a male friend seperated but still under the ex control

[Kimbo180]

So just putting up this tread for a male friend that needs advice so hes 45 seperated 5 years with 3 kids ( 21, 19 and 6). He does everything for his children he pays maintance highest amount for the youngest. Half schooling, medical expenses etc. Anyway regardless of that he is getting very frustranted at the amount of control the ex wife thinks she has over him. He seem to do anything without her questioning him. What advice do i give him hes getting very down and hate to seem him like this as she uses kids as weapons if he stands up to her

see all the golden uteres out in force again

If his weekend falls when his blokes weekend is, he needs to organize childcare. If his blokes weekend doesn't, and the ex just asks him, he makes a choice. And if he doesn't want to take the 6 year old, ex organizes childcare. It's fairly simple.

OP you seem to be assuming that the ex is the "default parent" who can just be expected to pick up the slack when he decides to go away? The usual "rule" of shared parenting is that the parent whose "day" the event (whether work or social) is responsible for organising childcare if they cannot parent on their normal day. Although it may be reasonable for him to ask his ex if she is available - it is unreasonable to expect the ex to pick up his days. He needs to do what women do - find family, friends or paid childcare to cover his hours.

I cannot comment on the child maintenance but if it is the rate set by CMS then this is the absolute legal minimum.

If he goes away during the time when the DC live with him, it is up to him to fix the childcare. It is courteous to ask the other parent first, but if that's a 'no' (and it that is an utterly reasonable answer, as it's fine to make your own plans for your own time) then he finds suitable childcare.

I think you need to leave it to him to deal with. He is not doing her afavour by having the DC or paying maintenance above the legally enforceable minimum. He's just being a parent. That's a good thing. He'll get there on the reality of needing to arrange childcare if he wants to go out without DC whilst they are living with him.

Really want to change my name to golden uteres now but cba 😭 quelle domage

What’s with everyone’s bitter and entitled attitude in these posts ? It gets comical.

You are all adults so please stop with the “you are just trying to make him sleep with you” hysteria when this poor woman is just asking for advice on how she can help her friend.

I think there are a lot of unresolved issues going around with you people posting which you try to push on anyone who isn’t a single mum and you would swear you were all stood around a cauldron cackling together. A little adult like conversation wouldn’t go a miss from time to time.

OP I have had many friends (none who I have tried to sleep with😂) who have gone through similar things and I would always say take it down the legal route where everything is set in stone and the child’s best interests at at the heart of it.

Wow. Full moon. I don’t know why some posters bother posting. If you don’t like a thread and can’t add anything constructive, what exactly do you bother?

Op. Here’s my tuppence worth.

1. maintenance (as others have said) is a payment calculated by CMS and directly related to income. If he is paying over and above that, that is his choice. And if he wants to change it, it is a straightforward matter.

2. if one of the children is 6 and the mother doesn’t work/ earns less than he possibly is also paying spousal maintenance. Again if his circumstances have changed then that one needs to go back to court for review (but only if his circumstances, or hers have changed substantially).

3. he sees his kids every weekend? Well so does my ex. We don’t have court ordered contact and it works for us/ the children to have them move between us. That being said, if either one of us wants a weekend to travel/ go away with mates, it’s never been a problem and the other parent happily has them. (By the way, as others have said, he’s not doing childcare. He’s parenting the child, as is his role).

4. If he wants to be less at the ‘whim’ of his ex, then I suggest he goes to family court and secures a schedule of contact. However that is expensive litigation, stressful for all involved, not necessarily in the best interests of his child. Court ordered contact is also unlikely to involve him seeing his child every weekend (as the courts view it as a right that both parents get downtime with their children). So he will get EOW contact plus some midweek. That’s unless he lives nearby and is able to facilitate school collection/ drop off and have shared residency. I don’t remotely recommend family court if he is seeing his child.

Basically? I would tell him to stop moaning and stop feeling like the victim. That sounds harsh but, welcome to divorced life is what I would tell him. You see your kids less, your poorer overnight. And life changes irreversibly.

He has choices, both financial and in terms of when he sees his child. So he can step up and get those in place. Or he can accept that for the forseeable future, his life needs to be on hold.

He is lucky relative to a lot of men. My partner has spent years fighting through the courts to secure regular contact with his children. Years. Section 7 reports. Tens of thousands of pounds. And I’ll tell you now, he’d give his right arm to see his kids every weekend and wouldn’t care about whatever he has to put the ex. I suggest your friend go look at websites like fathers for justice to get some perspective.

Thanks very much to the people who give sound comments as for the rest iv no words ... god forbid anyone needs a little break for there self now and again it must be a crime

god forbid anyone needs a little break for there self now and again it must be a crime

What's the time split? Because he can have a little break on his non-contact time or arrange childcare on his contact time which he knows well in advance.

Seems that he wants his ex to facilitate his wants (which, since they are exes, she has no legal or moral obligation to do). Why don't you babysit while he goes away? Job's a good 'un.

Put the Sexy Santa outfit down, Karen. He's got his kids that weekend so your Groupon coupon for a classy weekend in an old manor house with some spa access is of no use to you now.

@goldenuteres

Proper lol.

😜

I think a lot of nrps think the normal cms payment is the highest rate of maintenance.