Why do step mums always get the crap!

[Adele2204]

Why is it that step mums always get labelled as being the bitch!
I'm fed up completely in my relationship at the moment. We are a blended family... kids on my side 1 ds 20 doesn't live with us, 1 dd 16 lives with me. Him - 1, 26 dd doesn't live with us 2 kids of her own, 2 previous step daughters aged 20 & 18 did live with us have now moved out. 1 17 year old son recently moved out. 1 14 ds lives with us and a 10 yr old son also at home and dd 9 lives with us.... yes it's complicated!
The kids haven't had a great start hence why dad has custody and we've been together for 6.5 years.
Everytime something happens it's always my fault - every time. For instance 17 year old oh ds sold his contract phone to a drug dealer & left our home and now for some strange reason it's been turned round that I've kicked him out!!!! 14 year old now jumped on the band wagon and has been kicked out of school because he has 0 respect for the teachers tells them what he thinks of them with expletives and doesn't care one bit and somehow now that's my fault also!

When I read the posts on here basically it's like if you're a step mum you've to take all the crap on the chin..... you couldn't possibly ask your partner to even consider your feelings over the kids because if you do your unreasonable and you've to smile & wave at scenario because you don't have a right to say anything because your not the biological parent.......

I'm telling you now I've had every situation possible with step kids and let me tell all you step mums the truth... yes it's a nightmare and yes your normal to start to resent things and yes you will come out the other side......

Sorry for ranting 😤😤😤

who is blaming you, op? your partner?

I agree, being a step mum is all shades of shit. There are some rewarding bits but I find most of it a task.

My issues are not even generally with dss himself, just the issues that surround him.

Too many kids and a useless father by the sounds of it.
He's not made up for their bad start, they sound out of control.
If you let people treat you like shit, they will do.
Whose saying it's your fault?

He has 7 children and you have 2?

Oh they are all saying it.... all his older kids, his ex... him...
this is the story so far with each of the kids...
26 year old - wanted me and dad to babysit but my mum had the kids at our house so he told her no because he didn't have the kids at home - who got the blame of that.... yes me.... I sat & listened to her slagging me off to my oh for 45 minutes and not once did he say anything to her. All that happened is that they are all pally pally and I'm the one who's the bitch.... yes I sound petty.....

2 daughters 20 & 18, for over 5 years now they have been going back and forth from my oh & their bio mum causing masses of trouble wherever they are even for their own mother and her new partner as want mummy and daddy back together... hasn't happened they have moved out might I add off of their own back because of one thing or another but generally they say it's because of me.

17 year old, left home and gone to live back with mum which I'm glad about honestly I am because he's been a drug addict for approx 2 years but when ever you say anything it's me who's the bitch and doesn't like him being at home and wants rid of the kids....

Honestly every time you have an opinion your shot down. You don't like my kids, you want me all to yourself, you've no emotions attached..... blah blah blah...

When you are an outsider you can also see things from a different perspective. Doesn't make you cold or a bitch - from my point I'm a bloody realist!

why do you stay?

not being goady, but what is in this for you?

you could move out with your 16yo dd and leave allllll this shit behind.

Are you married? Who's house do you live in?

I stay because I continuously tell myself that this will get better! I lobe the guy and before everyone says it... yes I know...

It's a hard one because without everyone thinking I don't like the kids. Which at times I will be honest I don't bloody like them I do love the family and also the guilt to leave the kids after their mother has is another story completely....

This isn’t a step parenting issue though, you’re with a man who repeatedly hasn’t supported you or been on your team. You sound very unhappy and your life sounds stressful. What’s to be gained by staying with him and knowing nothing will ever change?

I’m a stepmum. It’s not always easy. But my husband respects me, my opinions, my place in our family and our life. If he let anyone slag me off for 45 minutes - not that I’d sit there and listen to it - we’d be having serious words and I wouldn’t put up with it.

Why have you?

Is he really worth it?

@AnneLovesGilbert because if I say anything I'm disrespecting his children and I should brush it off and get over it.

I know that I voice my opinions as we both have different ways of dealing with the kids behaviours. He's more laid back and I'm more get a lid on it before it escalates type of person.

Makes it really hard that we just clash and before we know it we're arguing and the kids have gotten away with it.

Like I say 6.5 years and now I'm trying to clutch respect back that wasn't there to begin with.......

Sad really is......

How do your DC feel about this situation? Especially the one that lives with you. They and you deserve better.

why do you love him though? whats to love about a man who doesn't respect you and blames you for his childrens behaviour?

you cant be happy!

Nothing is going to change. You should leave him. He’s awful to you and you’ll be much happier without him, his kids, his ex all making you miserable.

As a stepmum myself... Why the hell are you wasting your one precious life being the emotional punching bag for a horde of kids that aren't even yours?

I sat & listened to her slagging me off to my oh for 45 minutes and not once did he say anything to her.

So your husband is a dickhead. Why stay?

I would say about 90% of the issues step mums report on MN are due to 1) being with a useless partner and 2) not leaving him earlier.

This isn't you being a step mum problem this is a partner problem. He doesn't respect you at all and let's others even the adults talk to you like crap so why do you put up with it?

You say if I am so bad why is your dad still here? He is not tied up and locked in.
You tell the son who is a drug addict, that since he dislikes your rules, you agree he is better off with his mum, and you understand why he left home, as he feels your not backing him up.
The DH problem, when he does not back you up, point to the door and tell he he can always leave.

Everytime something happens it's always my fault - every time.

Have you had enough of this yet? I bet your 16 yo has. You have useful leverage coming up because of Christmas - will you be expected to do the work of making that nice for them all too?

Tell DH that he can do Xmas for his children, as you don't want to be blamed for not getting the right gifts. Texted this to him. Then when anyone complains show them the text.
You need to tell him he needs to parent his children, and you have no objects to him babysitting his grandchildren while you go do X.

Totally agree, my step daughter is going through a particularly difficult stage pre teen and hormonal. She has an amazing dad and as far as I can tell her mum is a good mum, her stepdad lovely too.
She’s constantly criticising her parents basically for not doing everything she demands, wider family just says “awwwww poor SD it’s just her age”
She’s now decided to set her sights on me complaining I’m not doing as she thinks I should, everyone’s response? “Singlemom82 should make more effort!!!” I’m always nice to her, I cook her meals she like, arrange things for us to do as a family - I’m already run ragged with my own two kids, running a house, working full time and running my own business on the side, expected to keep up with friends and family keep fit.... the list goes on........ Now I’m expected to pull more time and money out of my butt to placate a stroppy 11 year old!!!
I don’t think so - society places far too much pressure on women to be perfect

OP you don't have a step kids problem you have a partner problem. He shouldn't be sitting on the phone allowing the mother of his kids to slag you off. He simply needs to tell her that you are not up for discussion then work with all adults involved to deal with his kids horrible behaviour. Personally I would dump him but then I deliberately refused to stay in relationships even when younger where the guy showed he was a a-hole with dealing with kids. (Lots of kids in my family so all partners who became spouses tested on them.)

@Singlemom82 just reply you have 3 kids including her to look after so she can't expect special treatment and change the subject. If they change it back point out that she has 4 adults looking after her welfare while most other kids have one or two.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory

I would say about 90% of the issues step mums report on MN are due to 1) being with a useless partner and 2) not leaving him earlier.

I couldn't agree more. Spot on.

Another problem is some women being unable to fully support themselves financially....hence they remain in the relationship.

I think the OP alluded to this in a previous thread.

There is an issue re finance but bigger than that is the issue that this is my family and rather than walking away I would like to be able to work through it and move on.. it's a long time to be in a family to walk out of the door.

I appreciate that from the outside it's not looking great but someone must have been through something similar and come out of the other side.

If I walk out not only am I teaching our children that when things get tough to walk away but also that the step kids and their mother have got exactly what they set out to get.

adele in the kindest possible way, I don't think this is something you can work through. This isn't a temporary situation or a blip in your relationship, your dp is an arse and the kids don't sound much better. This will not change, if anything it will get worse.

If you left, you'd be teaching your children that you don't take shit from horrible men who do fuck all and blame you for everything.

Let the step kids and the mother have their own way, let them all be miserable twats together. You could walk away from this and be HAPPY. That is the best revenge, believe me.