Overweight DSD

[Pottedtree]

DSD has been getting steadily pudgier over the last two years but she's now quite overweight. She keeps asking me if I think she's fat to which I reply of course not and tell her how beautiful she is but the not being fat part is a lie. I think she knows I'm lying and hence why she keeps asking. DH has spoken to her mum who says it's just "puppy fat" and has dismissed any concerns.

I have known DSD since she was 3 and have a good relationship with her. I feel like she's trying to talk to me about her weight but I haven't really got a clue how to best support her as it all seems a minefield. At the same time it seems irresponsible to ignore it. Her mum clearly isn't dealing with it at all and is unconcerned. We took a walk today that included a hill. My 80 year old mum made it up fine and DSD has to stop several times because she was out of breath. I have never struggled with my weight and I don't feel particularly equipped to help her in the most constructive way possible......any and all ideas would be welcome.

How old is she?

Also, how often is she with you and your DP and her DM?

She's 11. She's with us EOW fri-mon and half the holidays.

Could you focus on involving her in planning healthy, balanced meals why she is with you? And upping her exercise when she is with you? Plenty of long Sunday walks/family swimming trips.

Is it that she has a poor diet?

I would spin it in the health angle; that being healthy is what's important and not looks etc.

She would eat nothing but rubbish given half a chance. She's gone to secondary this year and gotten her period. If I had to guess she's eating lots of rubbish at school and then is home alone after school 3/5 days eating rubbish she gets from the shop on the way home. We are really active but she's not really with us enough for it to seem to make a dent. And now she's finding the activities hard going. Her favourite activity is baking.

According to DH their mum isn't the most health conscious and makes very heavy meals. She does do a swim lesson a week but that's it for activities. I think it's the 5 days a week of being very sedentary combined with eating heavy meals plus rubbish at school.

I don't feel like there's much I can do change all that really. Should I admit she is overweight when she asks? I really don't want to hurt her. She's the most lovely girl.

"Do you think I'm fat?"

"darling you know I love you and you have asked me this a few times now. What do you think?"

"I think I am" (or something similar)

"Ok. How do you feel about that?"

And take it from there.

I dont see why mum is getting most of the blame cant your DH take her out during the week and encourage a regularly active lifestyle? They could bond over walks and exploring to build up her stamina. Teach her about healthy eating and snack alternatives.

Swap your days. Instead of the weekends have her on the weekdays so you can control what she eats / pocket money / exercise etc while she’s going to school. Her DM can then have her Fri-Mon.

Why are you lying? You’re endorsing her unhealthy weight and basically causing the problem because she thinks it’s fine. I wish someone had told me when I was young that weight gain causes permanent damage because of loose skin and stretch marks. My parents just let me eat and did nothing about it, my body has been scarred with stretch marks since my mid teens.

@GrumpyHoonMain swapping contact around isn't really an option unless she wanted to come live with us which I don't think she does. It would require switching her school etc. DH works away most weeks and we live over an hour away from them so just popping over isn't realistic in the week. I suppose this isn't about making changes I'm powerless to make but more about how I approach it with her.

@TiceCream I don't want to give her a complex or make her feel bad about her body. I don't think how I'm approaching it is the best way forward hence ya know asking for advice. Telling her she will ruin her body with stretch marks and extra skin seems a bit harsh and doesn't focus on her health. Although I suppose those things are true too.

Next time she asks I would switch it around and ask her why she’s asking. She may be getting comments from other kids at school.

I was a bigger child and definitely knew I was, I think if you let her lead the conversation then you can start talking about what changes to make. I would focus on health and maybe offer a shopping spree in the January sales if she manages to cut down.

You sounds like a lovely and very caring lady xx

Well you can definitely do something about her general level of fitness. I appreciate you’re in a tricky position. Kids do pack on a bit of weight just before puberty so it might get smooth itself out. Do you have any idea what her bmi would be?

I would never lie to a DC who asked me out right if they were fat. Secondary school is very tough and If your DSD is fat she needs to be told. She has time to sort it out and if not she will just get bigger. My friends DD started secondary and was bullied because of her weight. I had watched the young girl grow up and her waist line was large when she was 6. She is trying so hard to change her eating habits and she is 14 now but it is taking a long time to lose weight . Her mum had a bad attitude to food and her own weight and this has been passed to her DC.

As someone who grew up overweight (and still am) I'm super interested in how to handle my kids body image and weight. I'm particularly concerned about my DD1 as my DS2 is very active, prefers to eat fruit over other things etc. My DD1 (10), however, is far more likely to sit and read, chat etc with friends at play time, and won't eat fruit as a snack. I teach in secondary schools and see the difference in activity between boys and girls too. With puberty hitting earlier in girls, I think teenage years can be an absolute minefield for weight and body image issues. The girls I've taught who are keen swimmers, runners and so on, however, are so much more comfortable in their own bodies and less likely to appear overweight. I think encouraging activity is the key really. I'm encouraging my DD1 to run and swim (she's in clubs for both but not very good at either - I keep her focussed on just taking part and that seems to be working), and our weekends/holidays are filled with cycling and walking. I know when I grew up this was not a part of my life at all, and so I didn't see it as abnormal to sit around for a whole weekend/evening eating rubbish. It took many years of living with a partner who always grew up with a healthy lifestyle for me to change my perceptions and habits. You can do this for her. She'll leave stays with you feeling better (she'll sleep better, feel like she's accomplished things) and that will have an impact, if not immediately, over time. I'm still overweight and although I know it's not ideal, I'm much happier as I'm active, I eat well, and my mood and outlook is good, compared to my younger years. You could give her the tools to do that which would be fantastic

No idea about step family dynamics but I have been the fat child. Gained a huge amount of weight at about 11 and have struggled (To an extent) ever since.

I would have appreciated what @SpaceDinosaur suggests, then an explanation of what a healthy diet is (as in, 2 weetabix with no sugar is a portion for breakfast, you shouldn't have chocolate more than twice (or whatever) a week, you need 2000 kcals a day and a portion of chips is a quarter of that...) really basic stuff that seems 'obvious' if you know).

Remember that she is a child and is being provided with an inadequate diet for her health, or the means to access that diet. It's not a choice in the same way as it is for you or I to scoff an extra meal at 4pm.

Tell her it's not her fault and she can look like her friends by Easter / next summer (whatever is realistic).

Good luck

All of her friends are overweight and I don't think it's helping. Last time I went to collect them all they had brought bags of crisps and sweets with them which they inhaled in the car.

I don't know her BMI because I haven't wanted to embarrass her by weighing her with the younger kids. This weekend really brought it home for me how bad it had become because she's outgrown her size 12 (women's) jeans. She's probably about 5 feet tall. She got her period last year so puberty is already here.

I think @SpaceDinosaur s idea is a great

Would her mum be aware at all? Could your DP bring this up with her?

I was a fat child myself. My mother was also lazy and didn’t really care brushing it off as puppy fat (the exact phrase). When she cooked it was rubbish like processed chicken etc. Most of the time I was allowed to eat complete junk like doughnuts and chips. I lost weight when my father took control of my diet. I had a fantastic body in my teens and have had a consistently acceptable body since having children. I’m afraid that the only thing that is actually going to make a difference here is a change in diet and activity levels. She’s too young to change her diet without support. You can either have her live with you or teach her about healthy diets and hope she takes control later on but that won’t be for a number of years if ever. With regards to activity levels maybe you could offer to pay for some active clubs for her to do several times a week?

DH will bring it up with her mum but it will fall on deaf ears. There isn't much of a coparenting relationship. She doesn't see the need for DHs input in any way really. He hesitates to bring anything up for fear it will damage what relationship is there.

The whole thing is made more difficult because both DSC are extremely picky. Her brother is underweight and it's been a struggle to get him to eat anything. She feels very hard done by if offered less food than him. They are both far more active than she is. Last night she was the only one to finish their meal and go for seconds. Then she spends the evening eating out of the fruit bowl which is always available to all of them.

Given that you can't have her for more time and you can't change what her mum does, it sounds like all you can do is what a few people have suggested and turn it around to be about how she feels about it and if it makes her uncomfortable enough to want to change it.

Don't fret about it too much because it's outside of your control but use the next time she asks to find out why she keeps asking and explain what healthy habits would be.

We had a similar problem with my younger sister. She is now 14. We didn't know how to handle it but what prompted the conversation was that she found the letter from her school nurse saying she is obese. Most of the girls in her class were around the same size as her so she honestly was oblivious that she was a big girl and puberty wouldn't make it in easier.

She went to the GP with her mum (my SM) who sent her to a dietician who said to cut out grainy carbohydrates like bread and potatoes except for weekends but otherwise she could eat as much as she likes. Now she is not skinny. My guess is that she might be in the overweight category but definitely not in obese. She's 5'9 so it is hard to tell. I'd say puberty actually did help her become more proportionate actually.

My DD was on the upper end of healthy/borderline overweight until she was about 11. We did talk about it and looked up together what the healthy weight was for a child of her age and height. That kept the conversation very fact based rather than opinions, and on what a healthy weight was rather than what is attractive. I don't think you're right to lie to her about being overweight as it's probably just confusing her as she can see for herself that she's fatter than her friends, and you're giving her the message that being fat is such an awful thing that you can't bring yourself to talk about it.

I was worried that my DD would get anxious about her weight, but instead she was just really sensible, and started eating more healthily by skipping puddings and having smaller portions. She's always been sporty which helps but is now a healthy 16 year old of a healthy weight (5'3, 8 stone) who mostly eats really well. I think we can be over-scared of "causing" anorexia to teach girls how to keep healthy sometimes. My DD lives mainly with me but I don't think it matters that your DSD doesn't - because the age she is means it's something that's now becoming in her own control - she decides what she eats at school and after school. She can say no to seconds or puddings at dinner time. She's a good age for you to have an honest conversation with her to empower her to make her own decisions over what she eats and keeping healthy.