Am I being unreasonable??

[lovenotwar321]

Me and my partner have been together for 7 years he has 2 children from a previous relationship that we have every other night. 5 months ago i gave birth to our child and obviously things in our household just got a whole lot busier. My partner doesnt finish work until 6pm every night and then every other night collects his children after work and by time they get home our child is in bed and i have cooked them all dinner. One of my partners children plays football and goes training once a week and plays a football match every weekend. I cook and clean for all the children even though they are teenagers and old enough to help out although it would be me making them do this as my partner always forgets and wants an easy life but i dont want to be the bad guy. My partner has started going to the pub every friday night after work now and he works hard so i understand he needs to let off steam but it means that most of the week he doesnt see our child apart from he gets up for an hour every morning whilst i sleep. He then takes his child football training every other week after work when it lands on our night and football matches again every other weekend. The childrens mother does not take the child either training or football on her nights my partner has to arrange lifts.

So my question is this am i being un reasonable to ask my partner to stop taking his child football training every other week and to stop going to the pub every friday. I never want to get in the way of a relationship with his children but its just too much at the moment our child is still up 3 or 4 times a night and i do it all but he helps on the weekend. The football matches means hes normally gone most of the day on the weekend and training means he doesnt get home until 9pm and he says his child is missing out if he doesnt take them and its not fair to keep relying on other people to take them. With him now going to the pub i feel like ive had enough of constantly being alone and raising our child and cleaning up after every one but dont see a solution to changing things. Ive gone mad at him tonight a build up of emotions and he says im over reacting and its mot fair to ask him to do that. I just want to know if i am being unreasonable or if im not the only one who thinks hes got to make changes and he cant always take his child football as he now has 3 and a partner to share his time with.

No he needs to realise he has new responsibilities and a new timetable needs to be arranged

I don’t think it’s fair to stop the football to be honest as that’s his child making a sacrifice for the fact that you and his dad decided to have a child. However I think it’s fair to say it’s not on for him to go to the pub every Friday night and that both he needs to and his children need to do their bit in the home

I think it's fair to ask him to cut down on the pub every week but it's not fair to ask him to stop taking his child to football. I think in any scenario like this you need to think how you would get round it if the step child was your own.

I also think it's fair to ask him to stop the pub but not to stop taking his kid to football..

He has three children. He needs to put them all first, not the baby whose needs when they are so tiny are least.

The pub every week you wouldnt.

The football you would. If all the children were yours the reality is you would be highly unlikely to stop and older child doing an extra circular activity. You would manage it by one taking the older child and on staying with the younger.

He is doing every other week and arranging alternatives for every second week which is reasonable.

Getting home at 6 every second night also reasonable.

Football no - kids shouldn't have to make sacrifices because their parents chose to have more kids. If you choose to have more kids, it shouldn't be at the expense of existing kids hobbies/life.
Pub - yes. Having kids means adults need to be prepared to make sacrifices.

Does your DP have to stay all day at the weekend football? The lad is a teenager so could he drop him, spend the day at home and then pick up later?

Surely he should be home doing the chores his dc don't do ?
You are enabling a house full of buggars imo.
Resentment will kick in soon op.

Thanks to everyone for your views.

I do think that children do have to make sacrifices when a parent has other children as if there were 6 children in a home then a child may not be able to do extra curricular activities all the time and it does teach them about life they do have to learn to do things alone and the child is nearly 16 which is why i have asked this, if they were younger i wouldnt. their mother has other children which is why she never takes the child training or goes to the matches and both the children have had to make sacrifices in their mothers household because of their siblings, shairing bedrooms, reduced christmas budget etc which is understandable and in a real world has to happen .

However my suggestion was only to stop going to training which is literally standing in the cold for nearly 2 hours whilst the children run around but he would still be collecting them afterwards I would never ask him to stop going to the football matches as they are important. I have always treated his children as my own so dont want to ever affect their relationship with their father. I definatley agree with the pub and think it is a fair ask.

I also think that if its at the point that it is affecting our relationship, is it really unreasonable to ask as if our relationship breaks down it will ultimatley affect all 3 children.

I feel sorry for the kids sandwiched between their parents two new families.

The pub he should definitely stop.

He needs to put them all first, not the baby whose needs when they are so tiny are least.

I'm sorry but this is absolute nonsense - a baby needs you to physically stay alive, a teenager could get a bus to anywhere they need to go. A baby's needs are significantly greater than older children.

That aside, I do agree with the others if it's possible to change things so he is actually helping with the baby without the older child having to give up football then that would be ideal, so no regular pub visit, and he definitely should be the one doing the cleaning up after his children if they won't do it themselves, not you, that is totally unreasonable.

If the football training is local, too, I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask him to drop him off there and come back during that time, or perhaps use that window to do something useful like the weekly shop. His kids have massively added to your load and it's only right that he do what he can to take that on himself, let alone the baby he shares with you! It's up to him what he is willing to give up (the pub ideally), but he has to do something.

The pub needs to stop, that's ridiculous.

Pub every Friday is a piss take at this point.

Absolutely unreasonable to ask him to stop taking his kid to football training once a fortnight.

Your boyfriend is taking the absolute piss out of you going to the pub every Friday but you are being mean asking him to stop taking his child to football. Has your boyfriend only just started taking his son to football or was this in place before you wanted a baby?

Op why did you bother to ask - you want his other DCs to sacrifice something and because they have ahd to make their sacrifices with their mother, you have the right to make them sacrifice something in oyur household.

Sorry you do not want opinions you have decided what is right in your mind and the kids suffer.

I think he's massively slacking going to the pub every week.

I asked to hear others opinions on the matter, and for your information i have never said i have the right to make them sacrifice this because they do at their mothers i was merley providing more information on the situation for those who think children shouldnt have to make sacrifices, we have raised a generation of snowflakes and are too scared for our children to ever have to make sacrifices or learn about life. All of those with that opinion are telling me they never had to sacrifice somthing as a child due to their parents? whether its sharing a bedroom, helping more around the house because parents have busy jobs or other children its a part of life. I have not decided what is right otherwise i wouldnt need to ask for others opinions as i feel guilty for asking it of my partner but dont know how else to solve the issue. I have already stated twice i dont want my other half to ever miss football matches or support his children , you have no idea what I have fought for, for my partners children so they dont suffer.

Anyway thanks for those who have shared their valuable opinions without passing judgement , my partner makes his own decisions on what he does with his children and i have been trying to come to a fair solution and agree with the majority of the response. However im not a doormat and the pub trips are a piss take.

over and out

Pub every Friday with a 5 month old? He’s having a giraffe! Knock that on the head straight away.

Teen to training- not sure- how easy would it be for DC to make their own way there? Are there buses/trains and would your DH pay for them?

The pub thing is absurd. I would actually resent the entire day Saturday thing too but I don't think I'd go to the lengths of stopping it, nor the week day training, as you could cause DSS to resent his new sibling. DH needs to pull his weight more when he isn't occupied with his kids i.e. night wakings and Friday nights. Also I'd arrange some Saturday days out for you and leave him with baby for some bonding!

sunday days out I meant sorry.

Wow!! My children no longer see their father because of this exact situation.
He had taken them to football training and their games for the past 4 years, it was something that they were all passionate about and was their time together even if exdp was only standing around for 2 hours in the cold Along comes the new girlfriend who got pregnant and decides she doesn't want her dp off every week at football with his sons, as their time together was far more important my ex clearly has no backbone and dropped his children like hot rocks and gave into her demands. Sadly she lost the baby and he has come crawling back begging our sons to forgive him, however they no longer want to see him so I now take them every week.

So please do be careful about what it is you're asking, of course your dp shouldn't be at the pub every week and he should be helping you around the house and also with your young child, but to ask him to stop an activity with his older dc because you want him at home with your child and you is not on at all and you both really should have thought about what was going to happen before you had children.

Along comes the new girlfriend who got pregnant and decides she doesn't want her dp off every week at football with his sons, as their time together was far more important angry my ex clearly has no backbone and dropped his children like hot rocks and gave into her demands. Sadly she lost the baby

Hmmmm of course you find it sad

Oh op of course you're not being unreasonable it all sounds like hard work with no help or thanks. Compromise is needed all around.

How about your OH good to the pub every other Fri and the ones he doesn't he looks after everything and you do something for you.

With regards to the football I don't think you are being unreasonable either I think some posters are so indignant that they haven't read properly. Asking for a reduction is fine which is what you are thinking of doing. Asking for it to stop completely wouldn't be but you aren't doing that

The pub is ridiculous. Presumably he's hung over on Saturday morning so doesn't get up. If he needs to socialise with his mates he ness to cup down to once or twice a month tops and facilitate you going out with your friends on the alternate Fridays.

Football training- is it the sort of distance where he can drop off then come home? It sounds like he needs to pick up some household chores that his teens create.