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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Emotionally drained because of my dh kids

50 replies

Stepmom3 · 18/11/2019 22:14

My dh an I married In March, we were totally in love and it was the best day of my life, life after has been a nightmare, his ex uses the children as a weapon like she has done since day 1 but things are getting to much, he has 3 children dsd 13 dss 16 dss 8!! I’ve had that much crap over us being together and his kids hate me! I can’t even have a say because he says his kids come first, yes I get that but how about my feelings are having them slag me off to him all the time! I do everything for them, and I get shoved aside!!! He wants to end our marriage because his kids don’t like me, no it’s not that it’s because he hasn’t got the balls to say stop talking about me like that!! He’s constantly texting his daughter even when it’s our time!! She’s jealous because she thinks I’m taking him away which I’m no! It’s become ridiculous even having me in his phone as my girl she got the hump and got him to change her name to my girl and his profile pic to her! I love my dh with all my heart but this is breaking me and he can’t see any wrong doing???? HELP

OP posts:

Elieza · 20/11/2019 14:57

I’d be asking your husband in what way you as his wife are making the children unhappy?

In what way are you making things worse for them?
Are you preventing them spending time with their dad, taking all his money, shouting and abusing him etc?

What exactly is it you are supposed to have done? What did they say that led him to believe that it’s you that’s what’s making them unhappy. And why has he not mentioned this to you in case you’d want to make changes to things to see if you could help the kids be happier?

What has She being saying about you that’s untrue?
Why has he not defended you when they spouted lies planted by his ex?

And if you move out in what way will that enrich the children’s lives? Do they think their mum and he could get back together if you split with him? Is she telling them that?

There are too many thing you don’t know about and your DH isn’t very good at standing up to his ex or his kids if they are unreasonable. I wouldn’t want such a man. He’s trying to please everyone and not rock the boat, but I see a big wave coming....

Depending on what he says I think it’s highly unlikely you will remain with this man.

Winterdaysarehere · 20/11/2019 15:03

To explain things from his side :
He means put up and shut up.
It's up to you to alter the course of your life.

Annaminna · 20/11/2019 15:04

are you sure, its not YOU who changed attitude ?

Original poster

Stepmom3 · 20/11/2019 15:49

I have been the same from day one apart from the stress of it all which has got on top of me and I am now taking medication for depression! He does stick up for me but I think he’s stressed out by it all as well! All I can do now is support him and just be myself

OP posts:

Elieza · 20/11/2019 16:48

You have been supporting him and being yourself now you’re ill.

You need to do something different.

Try talking to him about it all when the kids are out and you both are awake and in the mood to discuss the problem and potential solutions.

readitandwept · 20/11/2019 17:32

He married you within 18 months of splitting with his wife?

Original poster

Stepmom3 · 20/11/2019 17:34

I have tried talking to him but he’s not really the talking type that’s what’s got us into this mess he thinks he can win the children round but I haven’t been kept in the loop and I’m in the dark because he try’s to deal with things himself

OP posts:

Original poster

Stepmom3 · 20/11/2019 17:35

No 3 years of splitting with his partner they were never married and things weren’t good with them for a long time before that, they lived separate lives and he wasn’t at the family home

OP posts:

MsRomanoff · 20/11/2019 17:36

How long have you been together?

OllyBJolly · 20/11/2019 17:57

my dh and his ex split up 2 years ago . 13.52

No 3 years of splitting with his partner . 17.25

So which is it?

Elieza · 20/11/2019 18:01

Sometimes in life you have to have difficult conversations. This one is an important one. If he is not up for discussing this then you know where you stand and it’s at the bottom with no respect and no future with him. Sorry OP. If he won’t talk you should walk.

Original poster

Stepmom3 · 20/11/2019 18:07

We got married after 3 years of him splitting up with his ex

OP posts:

Original poster

Stepmom3 · 20/11/2019 18:07

We’ve been together 2 years now

OP posts:

Drabarni · 20/11/2019 18:08

Your dh is the problem not his ex.
If he isn't willing to change his behaviour you'll have to divorce.
As the kids openly hate you, tell dh they're all his
Why did you marry him, his kids must have always behaved like this towards you.

Original poster

Stepmom3 · 20/11/2019 18:10

Very true I’ve got some thinking to do! He says he has my back when it come to sticking up for me but then I don’t no because it’s all behind my back! I think either which way his kids don’t like the fact that I am not their mom and I do things with my do which their mom never she did her own thing and wasn’t bothered with him!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 20/11/2019 18:18

Honestly it sounds like the DC are playing Mum and Dad off against each other and it's working big time.

MsRomanoff · 20/11/2019 18:22

I can't quite work out your time line. But it seems you knew had been a relationship with him just over a year when you married.

Trying to blend families takes time. The speed this has moved at, is probably one of the reasons you didnt see this coming and one of the reasons his dd is so unhappy.

Redda · 20/11/2019 18:36

Definitely walk away with your head held high and leave them all to their silly games, they are both fucking up the kids with their behaviour, do you really want to stay and watch? I've been through a very similar situation - it will only get worse believe me! And don't listen to any bullshit promises from him after you've gone otherwise you'll end up as a bit on the side in your own marriage.

Drabarni · 20/11/2019 19:45

Tell him he's going to be a very lonely old man.
When the kids have grown up and gone and he's all alone.
Because no other woman would put up with this, just as you clearly can't.
Nobody should be expected to.
Everything you do for the family, stop it now, let them get on with it and when you are ready to go, just go.

Geppili · 20/11/2019 19:52

Kids are operating Divide and Rule.

SandyY2K · 20/11/2019 20:26

I agree with a pp. Why is he telling you what they say behind your back?

What possible good can come of that?

Have you considered couples counselling?

Do you have a social life outside of the marriage?

Do they get to spend alone time with him, or are you usually around?

Maybe try go out and visit when they visit. They might actually appreciate the things you do the less they see you.

Original poster

Stepmom3 · 20/11/2019 21:15

I do go out and let them spend time together! I keep out of the way!! That’s when they eat into his head! He’s stressed out because of it all! I’m the one that’s got his back and yet I’m the one causing the trouble

OP posts:

Original poster

Stepmom3 · 20/11/2019 21:18

Apparently

OP posts:

random9876 · 18/12/2019 22:36

Its easy to get all wrapped up in how much you love someone, but you are forgetting the first rule of relationships - they are meant to make your life better, not worse. This isn’t a bad patch in a long term marriage - you‘ve literally just this guy and got depression from the experience because it’s been so horrific. What would you say to a best friend in this situation?

Elizadoeslittle19 · 30/12/2019 22:48

OP - I realise I am quite late to this thread but wanted to add that I do understand where you are coming from with regards to the behaviour of your SC.
I have read all your posts and I think your DH had separated from his ex for a year before you met, you're now married and have been together 2 years. Whilst it is quite quick and a lot for your SC to get their heads round, the way your DH deals with their behaviour / treatment of you is so not right.
My SC say stuff about me, I'm 80% convinced its things they've heard from my DPs exw and her family, although 9 years down the line and the older they have got it is maybe what they think. Difference is my DP does not let them speak about me the way your SC speak about you.
There's numerous reasons why they do it... they even do it with their mums partner. Trouble is their mum is your DH. Her partner has left twice... gone back on the promise that things change. Who knows if it will with them- that's not our business.
Our home and our family unit is important to us and me and DP have a united front to deal with everything. Unfortunately I don't really have any helpful advice other than if your DH doesn't stop letting your SC get away with their behaviour I don't think your situation will improve at all.
I understand he says his kids aren't happy, and he will have concerns about that, but is he happy with you? Would they be happy say if he had a different partner? Is he going to let the kids rule his relationship? One day his kids will have grown up and have relationships of their own.... if this is the approach he takes then he could end up a lonely man. Hope you can work things out.

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