Emotionally drained because of my dh kids

[Stepmom3]

My dh an I married In March, we were totally in love and it was the best day of my life, life after has been a nightmare, his ex uses the children as a weapon like she has done since day 1 but things are getting to much, he has 3 children dsd 13 dss 16 dss 8!! I’ve had that much crap over us being together and his kids hate me! I can’t even have a say because he says his kids come first, yes I get that but how about my feelings are having them slag me off to him all the time! I do everything for them, and I get shoved aside!!! He wants to end our marriage because his kids don’t like me, no it’s not that it’s because he hasn’t got the balls to say stop talking about me like that!! He’s constantly texting his daughter even when it’s our time!! She’s jealous because she thinks I’m taking him away which I’m no! It’s become ridiculous even having me in his phone as my girl she got the hump and got him to change her name to my girl and his profile pic to her! I love my dh with all my heart but this is breaking me and he can’t see any wrong doing???? HELP

Was this an issue before you got married? If so why did you marry him?
Unfortunately you know/knew he had kids and that they will always come first.
However, the way he is dealing with it/then isn't on. I would have strong word and explain what you want to happen and give him an ultimatum

Sorry don't mean ultimatum as in 'me or the kids' I mean re his attitude/boundaries etc

I agree that he needs to set boundaries in place and do some parenting its not ok for them to be slagging you off.

Yes the kids need need to be met but they don't need to be put first all the time to the point it sums like his are. If anything he is doing them a disservice allowing then to behave like that, the real world might come as a shock when they are older

I get his kids will always come first which is no issue at all I just think that to throw our marriage away because his children don’t like me is abit extreme! All I can do is be me and show them that I’m not this horrible person that there mother says I am! They all liked me before all this!! His ex is bitter and uses her children as a weapon making my dh feel guilty for his children

I do everything for them

What does this mean?
How often does he have them?
If the DC hate you why is it their mums fault and how does she “use them”!
Were the DC at your wedding?

If he’s saying your marriage is over there’s not much you can do. What’s your housing situating?

I treat them like they are my own son and would go out my way for them if I had to! My dh has them every other weekend and more in the holidays! The eldest lives with us and hardly sees his mom as she’s to busy! She is forever bad outgoing me and bringing the kids into things which they should not be brought in to! They were all at our wedding and it was all good everyone was happy but since then it’s been hard! I’m currently living with my dh

Tyersal exactly what I’m thinking, they are going to have a shock, what ever they want they get no questions asked! They talk to him like dirt and don’t appreciate him at all it’s all money money money

They just seem to rule his life it’s like they bully him into things! Then the don’t appreciate it they just want more

Sadly you are drained by your dh’s inability to provide healthy guidance or boundaries to his dc. In this he is enabled in this by his ex.

They deserve each other and I would tell them this and get myself to a lawyer and plan a peaceful life without them all.

How horrible. How long have you been together?

I don’t know what happens to divorced dads. They often remain stuck in the role of playing parenting ‘second fiddle’, failing to find their feet as a parent in their own right. In blended families this doesn’t work. It leaves step mums high and dry.

I am sorry this is happening. Good luck to you OP

Walk away with your head held high.

Life's too short for constant stress and misery.

You deserve better. If he can't stand up for you...let the marriage go.

I don't understand how he hasn't tackled them liking you and suddenly changing.

Is the oldest the same? He chooses to live with you..so I'm wondering if he doesn't actually hate you.

How do they demonstrate the hate?

I have had to put up with this since day 1! I feel like I’m treading on egg shells around them! He has stuck up for me but at the same time I am only human and I’m going to make mistakes but that’s where they are waiting and pointing the finger!! His eldest never use to like me but the other day he broke down and sobbed his heart out because of a girl!! My heart melted all I could do was hug him and it upset me!!
They demonstrate hate by slagging me off and talking behind my back, never to my face! I just feel so alone and I just want my dh back he’s my world

Sounds like there’s never been a good relationship with his dc - the fact that everyone was happy on your wedding day appears to be a blip?

Your dh does not stand up for you. He doesn’t. His actions speak volumes. He wants to end the marriage, this tells you loud and clear - you are not his priority.

Time to throw in the towel, OP. Or live apart if you wish to continue the relationship.

He says it’s not what he wants and he’s heartbroken but his children aren’t happy!! They are kids but they should not have a say over our relationship! There’s no authority with him, I just wish he would stop letting them push him around

You didn't say how long you've been together.
When did you meet the children.

His Children are not happy because they don't have a dad. They have a man who isn't dad but some kind of soppy wet dog.
Making rules and stick to them makes children feel safe. They know how world is made and what to expect.
His children dont have rules so they making rules their own and because of that everyone is unhappy.
Its all your DH fault not being parent.
You said you are doing everything for them. just DONT
Stop trying to be a mother. They dont need another mother.
Stop being a servant they can push around. They will never respect a servant/slave.
Value yourself first, then others can value you too.

Learn about parallel parenting:
www.fixfamilycourts.com/coparenting-vs-parallel-parenting

learn about guilt run behaviors:
www.yourtango.com/hate-your-exs-new-relationship-sorry-no-one-cares

and if needed, find some family counselling in your area.

Sometimes kids act like they're okay with it, bit in this case it was not good from the beginning.... so why did it get this far, with him knowing his kids never liked you?

Is it that they have become more expressive since your marriage.

Maybe they thought it wouldn't last and seeing you getting married, they realise it's not a casual relationship.

The eldest being vulnerable with you is a good sign. If he hated you that much, he wouldn't live with you...unless his mum is a worst alternative.

You say his kids shouldn't have a say over your relationship...but if it's making them so unhappy that can't be ignored at this age they are. I wouldn't marry someone that my kids hated... that was a big mistake..what did he think would change?

Do they say why they don't like you?

Is there a large age gap between you and him?

Children from separated homes can go through a lot of emotions, which the parents are unaware of.

Do their parents get on well? Was it an acrimonious split?

Did you meet soon after he split from his Ex?

You don't have to answer, but all these things make a difference to DC.

Is it just because you aren't their mum?

We all got on ok at the start I think it’s difficult for them because I’m not their mom, my dh and his ex split up 2 years ago but they did do things together with the children which obviously had now stopped! The children did not want their mom and dad to be together anyway! And they don’t get on anymore, they don’t say they hate me but they make comments about me to their dad but then they come out with me and talk to me etc, his younger child comes everywhere with me but the older two seem to change their mind all the time about me!! His daughter rang up last night wanting to come to our house because she had fallen out with her mom, I heard the whole conversation and the way she spoke to her mom was and my dh didn’t say anything about it, then she switched on her dad because he would not go and pick her up! I don’t say anything because it’s not really my place to say, he feels guilty I get that but where are the boundaries, they are not being prepared for the real world

How do you know what they say behind your back? I'm guessing your husband tells you.
He is the problem here.

my dh and his ex split up 2 years ago

That's the problem - too much, too soon. The parents split, and dad remarries a year later.

Poor kids and way too much angst for you for EOW contact. (EOW really isn't a lot of contact).

Saying he is your world is unhealthy imo.
He is in no way committed to making your marriage work is he?
Ime yes dc come first in practical terms but making your adult relationships work is important for all concerned.. He shouldn't have married you if he had no intentions of keeping his vows to be there for you etc.
Walk away is my advice.
I was previously a sm and his ex made our life hell.
Best day was realising I didn't have to deal with her drama.
There is no happiness in this situation for you. . And he gives zero fucks about that does he?

I meant to years before we even met! He hasn’t told me exactly what they say but they always have dogs at him about me but that’s where he should just say right that’s enough if u don’t like her then that’s fine but I don’t want or need to listen to you being spiteful about her! It’s not just me they do it to its a lot of people, they have no off button and just say things when they want, weather is me their dad or their mom! They are happy when they come round here and they get tome with their dad! This isn’t the case since we have been together they were like it before even before their dad met anyone! I just think they want their dad to themselves

And when I say he’s my world I don’t mean it literally, I mean it in he means the world to me