Who does pickup/dropoffs?

[Mclibby]

My partner currently does all drop pickups and dropoffs for the SC, he has them nearly every weekend Fri to Sun and it's about 4 hours total driving each weekend. We have a young baby together too. He works long hours during the week so misses Bath and bedtime during the week. Our only time really as a family is at the weekend. My question is shouldn't their mum be doing some driving too? She doesn't work and has a car so I can't see why not. DP has always just done both trips. He had to move an hour away as she lives in a very expensive area, way out of our price range. If they could share the driving he'd get more quality time with all the kids and be home to put our baby to bed and bath one more night. She won't voluntarily do it so is this how it will always be?

My posts might look a bit bitchy. I thought we were playing a game who can be the biggest bitch with their unreasonable comments Keep ‘em coming!

No idea how many DC are being paid for but here’s the percentages and deductions for nights spent with NRP. Looks like the OPs DH would get a 1/7th seduction for the overnights. More reduction for his child with OP and apparently fuel deduction too.

If we are purely counting up hours with their feet up drinking tea... Most weekends off and kids at school all day compared to full time job and kids most weekends...

deduction!

No idea what seduction he gets!

I can see that the op does work. Maybe the ex could do the same?

I’m sure she will when she needs to. If that is as a result of her Ex reducing support then so be it.

And she provides bugger all financially.

Childcare outside of school that allows the other parent to earn counts as a financial contribution in my book.

If we are purely counting up hours with their feet up drinking tea... Most weekends off and kids at school all day compared to full time job and kids most weekends.

this is your perception of all RPs?

No. Many work so must have a very tough time. And many don't have an ex who does anything for them. But my point is that sometimes... Just sometimes... It is the other way round and the RP is taking the mick.

Childcare outside of school that allows the other parent to earn counts as a financial contribution in my book.

That’s what the op has been doing for their joint child but yet you came out with a sarky comment about how she could get a job to maximise family income. Well, maybe the ex could do that too?

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory

It clearly says Mum here is a SAHM. I’m not disputing she doesn’t work hard. But if the children are at school she does get some respite. Sounds like OP’s DH is on the go constantly.

Also, OP mentions court for finances, that would suggest it’s not calculated via CMS.

20% is still a hefty chunk of someone’s salary. MN would seem to think that NRP shouldn’t be able to support themselves. How do NRP pay for their homes if they’re expected to hand more over?

You could take it to court but you will find that as your DP was the one to move, you might be lumbered with a legal order that forces him to do all pick ups and drop offs until a certain age. Keeping things as they are will allow the flexibility for the kids to use public transport options when they are responsible enough.

It clearly says Mum here is a SAHM. I’m not disputing she doesn’t work hard. But if the children are at school she does get some respite. Sounds like OP’s DH is on the go constantly.

My comment was in response to this comment by funonthebeach not about the mum in the OP.

“Think RP’s sometimes forget that NRP who pay a hefty chunk of their salary in CM have to work bloody hard and burning out is in nobodies interest.”

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory

I'm sure they don't mean all. But some yeah.
The RP in my situation as child mon after school til fri school drop off. Every week. He's in school every day so that's after school and breakfast 4 days a week - then EVERY weekend off.
She is most definitely sitting with her feet up.
Also- she does no pick ups/ drop offs

I’ve just realised it was you, fun who has responded to me, it was your very own post I quoted and was responding to!

The parent who moved away should do the pick ups and drop offs. If your husband feels that he's spread too thinly then reduce the time spent with his dc to every other weekend. I bet given the choice he'd rather spend as much time as possible with them.

I'm sure they don't mean all. But some yeah.

Of course. And some NRPs do the same too. It’s really not the case that all RPs are sitting with the feet up collecting benefits while all NRPs are slogging their guts out. Sometimes everyone’s slogging their guts out and it’s just a shitty situation because life is expensive.

It does sometimes depend upon who moved away. I would also suggest looking at ways they can transport themselves earlier rather than later, national express maybe?

Sounds like our life except my partner and BM have 50/50 and there isn't a residential parent as such. Both have cars, BM don't work and blankly refusing to do any DOs. Nothing to do with me being his life now, BM refused to do any DO or PU since their child was born, never drove a mile.
Reading all this seems like the parent who cares about children will drive and who don't care about them will refuse just for sake of being difficult.

Looks conclusive though that he's definitely going to be doing all the pickups and dropoffs for a long time! Nobody shares the driving!! Honestly not what I thought would be the case, so it's definitely been useful to hear, even if not the answer I'd hoped for.

And some NRPs do the same too. It’s really not the case that all RPs are sitting with the feet up collecting benefits while all NRPs are slogging their guts out. Sometimes everyone’s slogging their guts out and it’s just a shitty situation because life is expensive.

This is true, which is why it’s important to read the facts and not respond on your own preconceived ideas about this kind of set up.

Reading all this seems like the parent who cares about children will drive and who don't care about them will refuse just for sake of being difficult.

OP, has your DH spoken with his ex about this?

Mum in my situ would definitely rather get in the car than risk having DSS for extra time.

This is true, which is why it’s important to read the facts and not respond on your own preconceived ideas about this kind of set up.

That’s what you were doing here?

“Think RP’s sometimes forget that NRP who pay a hefty chunk of their salary in CM have to work bloody hard and burning out is in nobodies interest.”

She said Mum is a SAHM, supported by OP’s DP.

The cost of running a house, kids and an ex who lets not forget still needs to eat and clothe herself is pretty significant. So yes, having read the posts I took a view on balance.

Unless of course OP’s husband is Alan Sugar. Which would beg the question why OP is going back to work after mat leave...

Yes fun, but you didn’t say SAHM. You said RPs. That’s a general term. You weren’t talking about the woman in the OP.

Courts do make orders for parents to share driving and there is no blame
associated with who moved. In a similar way a man having an affair which caused the divorce isn't asked to pay more.

Contact is for the benefit of children and a judge would look at resources of each parent to determine what might be the best outcome that supports the DC seeing both parents. An example if the nrp couldn't drive for some reason does that mean the DC don't see that parent? If the mum refuses to step up with driving on principle rather than having valid reasons a court would frown on this.

If the RP has time, ability and money to assist with drop offs then it could very well be ordered. Welfare and safety of nrp to drive especially if he drives for work would be looked at as well. Fatigue and driving would be a genuine safeguarding issue.

As someone mentioned the contact every weekend is not usual. Was this agreed via mediation? The mother could argue that she would be prepared to drive one way twice a month rather than 4 times a month and contact could be reduced.

However I would advise against court unless absolutely necessary as it will cause such animosity that is rarely ever recovered from.

How old are the DC? Is public transport an option at some stage? Can your partner make adjustments to his work so that Fridays are work from home or finish early. Has he asked the mum to drive to somewhere along the route which might assist.

I would try these avenues first, formally ask for her assistance in writing, if driving safety is a genuine issue and invite her to mediation to discuss if a compromise could be found.

Is contact court ordered?

Well admittedly I was generalising about the woman in the OP and women like her.

yes I know men can be shit too.