Who does pickup/dropoffs?

[Mclibby]

My partner currently does all drop pickups and dropoffs for the SC, he has them nearly every weekend Fri to Sun and it's about 4 hours total driving each weekend. We have a young baby together too. He works long hours during the week so misses Bath and bedtime during the week. Our only time really as a family is at the weekend. My question is shouldn't their mum be doing some driving too? She doesn't work and has a car so I can't see why not. DP has always just done both trips. He had to move an hour away as she lives in a very expensive area, way out of our price range. If they could share the driving he'd get more quality time with all the kids and be home to put our baby to bed and bath one more night. She won't voluntarily do it so is this how it will always be?

[Oscargeorge60]

Unfortunately my partner and I are going through the same. We have just filed a court order for arrangements to be solidified as there is a huge back story. However my partner spends almost an hour, when he has his daughter, travelling from work to pick his daughter up from the ex partners house then from ours back to the house. The ex partner point blank refuses to do any pick up and drop offs. Extremely frustrating, also refuses to drop off/pick up half way. We do not request this all the time, we just feel sometimes it would help to spend more time with the child!

[funinthesun19]

Why are they with dad every weekend? That's not right. Mum should get fun time too.

Maybe she can’t be bothered.

[funinthesun19]

OP, I hope he’s using contraception now, he’s not coping with his choice to have multiple kids.

I’m assuming you feel he should have used contraception before he produced his “first” children too?

[BercowsPoliticalPumpkin]

What do you mean by pay her bills? Do you mean the child maintenance that covers the cost of housing the dc and all associated costs?l

Why are they with dad every weekend? That's not right. Mum should get fun time too.

[FunOnTheBeach20]

Children would all be only children if every tired parent didn’t have anymore.

My child included!

[GormlessLeech]

I’m not being dramatic, simply reading OPs posts, hope that helps. 😄

[FunOnTheBeach20]

There’s nothing to suggest he isn’t coping, that’s a complete exaggeration. No coping is failing to meet the needs of your children. Feeling the wear of a long working week and long drive is not a symptom of not coping. Don’t be so dramatic.

[GormlessLeech]

How so, ‘funonthebeach’? I just re-wrote facts the op has posted, and the fact that the man is clearly not coping with the current amount of kids he has, best not to have even more. You disagree? Weird.

[Anuta77]

Jesus Christ! Is there no way to prevent bitter ex wives from posting stupidities here?

[FunOnTheBeach20]

Living up to your name there Gormless...

[GormlessLeech]

Buttery the mother is unemployed, so has nothing but down time with them. The father chose to move away. The resident parent just needs to make them available for contact, it’s the other parents choice on how to collect the kids he moved away from.
OP, I hope he’s using contraception now, he’s not coping with his choice to have multiple kids.

[Butterymuffin]

How come your DP gets the kids every weekend? Doesn't their mum feel she misses out on down time with them? He does sound like he's getting a poor deal to me with the driving.

[Anuta77]

My DP does all the pickups and dropoffs. The ex has a car and drives every weekend to her boyfriend's house 18 min away from us, but would never move her a** to ever bring or pick up SD. She pretends to be my DP's friend, sends him sweet messages and all, but when it comes to something concrete, nothing.

There were times when my DP would arrive and they wouldn't be home, because they were shopping, but nobody would bother telling him in advance. There were times when he would bring SD and the ex wasn't home.

And SD is used to it, it doesn't even occur to her to ask her mother to bring her to her dad, when she wants something, she asks DP to get her or bring her.

It was our toddler's bday recently, she wrote a sweet message to congratulate my DP, then a message saying how SD was dissapointed that she couldn't see him.

Yesterday was SD's bday. SD asked DP to bring her to see her mother, but she never asked her mother to come visit her. When her mother called, she told her to tell DP to bring her back early today (didn't ask about our plans) and when DP did it, she wasn't even f* there!

My DP also works a lot and we have a toddler whom the ex congratulates every year as if she cared about him, he's often sleepy while he drives and he also brings SD to her piano classes half time, picks up her uniforms, goes to her concerts and pays for ex's adult son from previous relationship.

He took this responsibility when they separated and I guess there's no way to change it now when everyone is used to it even when the kids are older. It pisses me off, but it's like that. When people can take advantage, they do it.

[surlecoup]

My partner’s judgement specifies the pick ups and drop offs. It’s a 50/50 arrangement (hard fought for) and the pickup/drop offs are fairly split between each parent. That said - a key point for achieving 50/50 was that the parents live close together so it’s not a big deal timewise. but it’s one less aspect of life where she cannot force her control on DP/us (yay!)

[sassbott]

PO/ DO’s can be court ordered. If raised as part of contact proceedings. My exDP had it when his DC were much younger a good few years ago.

Since his children started school however, and pick up / drop offs are from/ to school, it naturally falls to him.

I’m with the others on here. This is not for a court to determine and I cannot imagine that this contact is court ordered. As I’ve never heard of court ordered contact being every weekend

[Snowdonia]

@Mclibby My DH's ex was difficult when he moved 25 minutes away compared to the 10 minutes it used to be. They have DSS 50/50. After mediation she agreed to a half way point. He had to find a location that was the same distance from each house. They meet there every pick up/drop off. Now and again she will ask for DH to do the full drive which he does. But she has pretty much stuck to the half way point for the last few years.

[Magda72]

Some nrp's HAVE to move for work & if my ex had to move I would assist for the sake of my kids.
In my exdp's case his work base is miles from where his kids live because years ago his then wife insisted on moving there to be close to her family so he moved his business base. She then decided she didn't like her family being around all the time so they moved back to where they had been living - at her request. Dp couldn't afford to move the business base again & told her this. She said fine - he could commute. Post divorce he kept a house in the countryside 15 miles from the town where she and the kids live (& on his work side) & despite him having to often drive up to 3 hours on a Friday night to collect the kids she point blank refused to ever pick them up or drop them off at his out of sheer badness because in her words "he couldn't be arsed to see his kids during the week".
This is a woman who refuses to work outside the home, whose kids are all in secondary school & who is completely dependent on his salary for everything - & she couldn't even assist him in this one thing. He was self employed when she met him, he was self employed throughout their marriage & as he's in transportation & haulage he drives huge hours every week. She knew all this.
So yeah - technically he's not around for his kids as much as she or some of you on here would advocate, - but he's not around for them so they can eat & be educated! I found her attitude to him disgusting, & on here there's a huge amount of non resident dads who are keeping the whole or majority show on the road financially & then get lambasted for working away or moving for work when most of the time they have little or no option.
When I was with him he worked 12 - 14 hour days & then had his kids all of or part of every weekend.
And sure having the lions share of child related donkey work to do during the week can be boring & a slog - so is working to keep a business afloat so your kids are well maintained.
Again - awful double standards on here & a dangerous assumption that all non resident dads (& their partners if any) are lazy, uncaring shits.

[Willyoujustbequiet]

As the mum does the majority of the parenting and your dh moved away I think its perfectly reasonable for him to do the travelling.

My ex was ordered to by the court so I'd be careful of going down that route.

[FunOnTheBeach20]

Well admittedly I was generalising about the woman in the OP and women like her.

yes I know men can be shit too.

[Techway]

Courts do make orders for parents to share driving and there is no blame
associated with who moved. In a similar way a man having an affair which caused the divorce isn't asked to pay more.

Contact is for the benefit of children and a judge would look at resources of each parent to determine what might be the best outcome that supports the DC seeing both parents. An example if the nrp couldn't drive for some reason does that mean the DC don't see that parent? If the mum refuses to step up with driving on principle rather than having valid reasons a court would frown on this.

If the RP has time, ability and money to assist with drop offs then it could very well be ordered. Welfare and safety of nrp to drive especially if he drives for work would be looked at as well. Fatigue and driving would be a genuine safeguarding issue.

As someone mentioned the contact every weekend is not usual. Was this agreed via mediation? The mother could argue that she would be prepared to drive one way twice a month rather than 4 times a month and contact could be reduced.

However I would advise against court unless absolutely necessary as it will cause such animosity that is rarely ever recovered from.

How old are the DC? Is public transport an option at some stage? Can your partner make adjustments to his work so that Fridays are work from home or finish early. Has he asked the mum to drive to somewhere along the route which might assist.

I would try these avenues first, formally ask for her assistance in writing, if driving safety is a genuine issue and invite her to mediation to discuss if a compromise could be found.

Is contact court ordered?

[IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory]

Yes fun, but you didn’t say SAHM. You said RPs. That’s a general term. You weren’t talking about the woman in the OP.

[FunOnTheBeach20]

She said Mum is a SAHM, supported by OP’s DP.

The cost of running a house, kids and an ex who lets not forget still needs to eat and clothe herself is pretty significant. So yes, having read the posts I took a view on balance.

Unless of course OP’s husband is Alan Sugar. Which would beg the question why OP is going back to work after mat leave...

[IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory]

This is true, which is why it’s important to read the facts and not respond on your own preconceived ideas about this kind of set up.

That’s what you were doing here?

“Think RP’s sometimes forget that NRP who pay a hefty chunk of their salary in CM have to work bloody hard and burning out is in nobodies interest.”

[FunOnTheBeach20]

OP, has your DH spoken with his ex about this?

Mum in my situ would definitely rather get in the car than risk having DSS for extra time.

[IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory]

Reading all this seems like the parent who cares about children will drive and who don't care about them will refuse just for sake of being difficult.