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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Who does pickup/dropoffs?

93 replies

Mclibby · 04/11/2019 15:10

My partner currently does all drop pickups and dropoffs for the SC, he has them nearly every weekend Fri to Sun and it's about 4 hours total driving each weekend. We have a young baby together too. He works long hours during the week so misses Bath and bedtime during the week. Our only time really as a family is at the weekend. My question is shouldn't their mum be doing some driving too? She doesn't work and has a car so I can't see why not. DP has always just done both trips. He had to move an hour away as she lives in a very expensive area, way out of our price range. If they could share the driving he'd get more quality time with all the kids and be home to put our baby to bed and bath one more night. She won't voluntarily do it so is this how it will always be?

OP posts:

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Somebodystired · 05/11/2019 07:10

He moved away so the onus is on him.

We seem to have fallen into a "always pick up, never drop off" system for DSS. Theres usually no need for handovers because of school, but during the holidays whoever is having him will pick him up from the other parent. At the end of contact, the other parent will pick him up for their contact. We have 50/50 and so the travel works out 50/50 too. The only time this changes is if the other parent is having them extra as a favour, in which case DH will take DSS to his mum or vice versa. Me and his stepdad also do a lot of pick ups too. But then all four of us are very amicable.

funinthesun19 · 05/11/2019 10:49

I know that I'd never, ever move an hour away from my children even if I had to live in a tent

Erm, If you chose to live in a tent when you could pay for somewhere to live albeit further away, I would question you as a parent.

Also, you’re insinuating an NRP should live in bad conditions as long as they are close to their children. Why should they?
My stbx viewed quite a few flats before choosing one that he would feel comfortable in and where the children would be happy and safe. There were some very close by that were absolute shit holes, but he chose one across town that is beautiful. It will mean he’s further away but it’s fine. I certainly wouldn’t expect him to have taken a dingy flat just because he’s closer! And definitely not a tent .

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 05/11/2019 10:55

If they could share the driving he'd get more quality time with all the kids and be home to put our baby to bed and bath one more night.

I can see how that would benefit your DH but where is the benefit to her? It would cost her money and time for no benefit to her- of course she isn’t going to want to do that.

How much driving does she do for the children during the week?

funinthesun19 · 05/11/2019 10:57

What made him think he have time/resources for an additional child knowing he works such long hours and has his older children nearly every weekend?

That’s very rude. You do realise this “additional child” is an actual person and very loved?

Original poster

Mclibby · 05/11/2019 11:42

It would benefit her kids not to be driven by an exhausted, overworked dad. But true, no direct benefit to her.

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Original poster

Mclibby · 05/11/2019 11:52

I doubt she has any other driving commitments as she doesn't work and the SC go to the local school 5 mins away.

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IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 05/11/2019 12:00

It would benefit her kids not to be driven by an exhausted, overworked dad.

It would. Dad should maybe consider his workload and sleep levels if he isn’t safe to be driving?

I doubt she has any other driving commitments as she doesn't work and the SC go to the local school 5 mins away.

And they never go anywhere other than school? Dentist, doctor, birthday parties, clothes shopping, school stuff shopping, days out, play dates, cinema, swimming, judo class, football etc?

Original poster

Mclibby · 05/11/2019 12:12

Well IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory, my guess would be yes, they go to the dr/dentist once or twice a year. Weekend obviously they are with my DP so no weekend party or club commitments for her to deal with. After school clubs happen at school, 5 mins away. So... Unlikely to add up to the driving my DP has to do.

He may well have to reduces his work commitments but that's how he pays her bills... So... That wouldn't be popular either.

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Doyoumind · 05/11/2019 12:19

An hour each way isn't a big ask and he was the one who moved. Do not consider applying to court to sort this. Court should be for serious disputes that can't be sorted otherwise, and a last resort. If you turned up to court asking them to rule on who should travel they would take a very dim view of it and attending court does offer the option of the mother asking for additional stipulations, as PP mentioned.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 05/11/2019 12:21

He pays her bills? Why? Is that instead of child support?

Original poster

Mclibby · 05/11/2019 12:23

Nope. As well as. Pays CM and spousal. Are you just looking for something to make him the baddie here?

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IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 05/11/2019 12:26

He had to move an hour away as she lives in a very expensive area, way out of our price range

Presumably they lived in a very expensive area until the break up. She remained there as I’m guessing the DC are settled in school.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 05/11/2019 12:28

Are you just looking for something to make him the baddie here?

I was asking why a man is paying his exes bills. If there is a spousal order that means it was agreed as part of the divorce so how could he reduce that amount?

Original poster

Mclibby · 05/11/2019 12:29

Yes exactly. And my DP was happy to do that for them. And he's happy to support her as a SAHM. He's one of the nice ones!

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Original poster

Mclibby · 05/11/2019 12:31

I think it would be reduced by going back to court and saying it is unaffordable whilst ex isn't maximising her income.

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IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 05/11/2019 12:32

Great. I’m sure then he can recognise that him doing the pick ups and drop offs is More than made up for on her part by doing the lions share of the parenting.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 05/11/2019 12:33

And could his ex say that his financial struggles are maybe more to do with having another child and supporting a new partner? Could you work to maximise your family income?

Original poster

Mclibby · 05/11/2019 12:37

No problem then. All sorted :-)

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Original poster

Mclibby · 05/11/2019 12:38

Ooo just seen your latest messgae. On paid mat leave. I return to work in Jan. Keep trying...

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FunOnTheBeach20 · 05/11/2019 12:38

My DH does most of the PU and DO. Sometimes DSS is dropped at MIL for the day and he’s collected by DH or his Mum from there. The schedule is worked so the PU and DO are at school (there was some nasty doorstop incidents that needed to stop) sometimes PIL collect if DH is working, or I do if I can. If Mum is going on holiday or out she will often him off earlier than planned and gets cross when you haven't accounted for her time keeping.

If your maintenance is calculated via CMS they will adjust it for fuel, or so I understand.

I don’t agree that RP should do get to sit back. In the interests of Co parenting they should both do some.

Think RP’s sometimes forget that NRP who pay a hefty chunk of their salary in CM have to work bloody hard and burning out is in nobodies interest. I know parenting isn’t easy, I’m a parent too, but like in any relationship if one is working to support the family the other picks up the slack with the kids. If he’s having them every weekend Mum gets plenty of down time whilst they’re at school.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 05/11/2019 12:44

Oh so maybe when you go back to work your DP could reduce his hours and not be as exhausted for the drive to pick up his children.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 05/11/2019 12:46

Think RP’s sometimes forget that NRP who pay a hefty chunk of their salary in CM

A hefty chunk? CMS calculate it at what 15-20% and they reduce it for any children the NRP has living in their home- whether their DC or not.

Think RP’s sometimes forget that NRP who pay a hefty chunk of their salary in CM have to work bloody hard and burning out is in nobodies interest.

Doubtful- RPs also work bloody hard to support their children.

Original poster

Mclibby · 05/11/2019 12:48

Happy to step up if needed.

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funinthesun19 · 05/11/2019 12:48

Could you work to maximise your family income?

I can see that the op does work. Maybe the ex could do the same?

Great. I’m sure then he can recognise that him doing the pick ups and drop offs is More than made up for on her part by doing the lions share of the parenting

And she provides bugger all financially.

funinthesun19 · 05/11/2019 12:49

Oh so maybe when you go back to work your DP could reduce his hours and not be as exhausted for the drive to pick up his children.

And then maybe he can reduce the financial support and it might an incentive for his ex to get a job. Good idea.

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