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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step-siblings and boundaries

84 replies

ThisMustBeMyDream · 31/10/2019 18:27

Hi,
Just need to check this with other step parents.
What do you do with young children and dressing/undressing and bathing?
I have an almost 3 year old dsd. I have two boys, 6 and 4.
We let them lead the way with what they are comfortable with. The younger two like to have a bath together, to play.
They are all naked around each other when they are getting ready as they generally still don't have inhibitions. Dsd is still very much in the strip off at every chance phase. We follow the pants rule so they all know what is off limits etc and they are generally supervised at all times other than sleep.
They all sleep in the same room, in their own beds.
They will all have suitable rooms/privacy at the right times, but for now they are little, and our set up seems quite normal for siblings. If they were direct siblings I wouldn't be doing anything different. Neither would her dad.

Mum isn't happy as you can probably guess. Dsd appears to have said about boys having willys and girls have (not sure what term she used but some term for girl bits). Mum said she shouldn't know such rude things. Obviously I don't think for one minute knowing body parts is rude. Dad doesn't either. Me and dad parent very much the same. Mum parents very differently and is very agressive when she doesn't like something. Just want to check what other step parents of young children are doing around this issue before my OH addresses this himself.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Isadora2007 · 01/11/2019 02:09

I’m confused how your step child is younger than your other children- is your partner not their dad?
I would say parenting a girl can feel different than parenting a boy in terms of awareness of risk of abuse from male to female. Right or wrongly.
Perhaps meet with the Step daughters mum to have a chat and see what she is actually suggesting.

ChilledBee · 01/11/2019 08:03

I have 3 kids of mixed sexes. I have no idea when I'll enforce no nudity rules.

GertiMJN · 01/11/2019 08:20

Of course there are no "absolute" rules with regard to sharing rooms or baths. But it is inevitably a contentious issue.

It is not purely an issue of taking a decision when one child expresses the need for privacy. It is more complex than that especially when step siblings are involved.

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 01/11/2019 08:26

No, she's HIS daughter, so in our home its his rules. I'm not the one making that decision, he is. I have no issue with my child bathing with her. So it will stop when either me or he decides. Or a convincing arguement as to why there is a problem.

He is the one who has to make the rules for her here. As I say, parenting styles are very different. Loads of things big and little are fundamentally different with how both dad and I do things compared to mum.

There is no talking to mum - certainly not from me. I won't even attempt it, unfortunately. I wish I could - but she is not the kind of person you can have a reasonable conversation with. I try and empathise with her position, as I too am in the same position. But she is so volatile and extreme that it is virtually impossible to communicate with. OH has to deal with her fully.

OP posts:

GertiMJN · 01/11/2019 08:29

Having re read your op it is even more clear that you are focused on the needs of the older children , your dses, rather than considering the situation from the point of view of an unrelated 2 year old girl who stays eow.

If they were direct siblings I wouldn't be doing anything different. Neither would her dad. But they aren't "direct" sublings.

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 01/11/2019 08:31

Also, mum has a step daughter who is 7 and lives with her full time. She shares a room with mums other 5 year old daughter. So she doesn't have an issue with non siblings sharing in her house.

OP posts:

GertiMJN · 01/11/2019 08:35

OP you asked about a specific issue and people on this thread including sms are saying they have some reservations about the bathing / sleeping arrangements.

I understand that there is a difficult relationship between you, dp and his ex, but this isn't an issue she is alone in having concerns over.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 01/11/2019 08:36

They are the same sex they can share a room that fine. You sound like a right madam putting it nicely various women have stated they wouldn't have their dds bathing with boys not related to them but you continue to do so you are putting you're boys in a dangerous position. You are pretty vile and have no respect for this ladys wishes as a mother.

GertiMJN · 01/11/2019 08:36

They are the same sex

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 01/11/2019 08:41

Out of interest how long you been together if this little girl isnt even 3 yet?

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 01/11/2019 08:42

Can't you read where I stated that DAD IS MAKING THE DECISION. His parenting time = his decisions.

It is my decision for my children. His decision for his.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 01/11/2019 08:42

2.5 years. Why?

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 01/11/2019 08:44

Before you try it - they dated for 3 months. She fell pregnant. She dumped him in early pregnancy. He was single over a year before we met. 🙄🙄🙄

OP posts:

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 01/11/2019 08:48

Why did you post this thread OP? You don’t actually want anyone’s opinion. You are certain that what you’re doing is fine.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 01/11/2019 08:50

2 years is nothing how long before you actually moved in together? Its appalling to be bathing boys with a little girl who isnt yours hence why you posted others you would have ignored what her mother said. Others have expressed the same concerned but you refused to listen.

GertiMJN · 01/11/2019 08:53

Can't you read where I stated that DAD IS MAKING THE DECISION. His parenting time = his decisions.

It is my decision for my children. His decision for his.

When it's about bedrooms and bathtimes it's a joint decision.

Itsreallymehonest · 01/11/2019 08:54

The mixed changing / bathing thing wouldn't bother me with my children, but as their mother that is my decision and my decision alone. Sorry but mum's opinion on this trumps dad's and should be respected. Perhaps if it was dsd's dad supervising and not you it would be a different issue.

Kelsoooo · 01/11/2019 09:06

Why does mum's opinion trump dad's? Certainly doesn't.

Also, she's said that dad bathes the kids, not her.

Maybe83 · 01/11/2019 09:11

It's not something I would have done as I said I never did shared bathes or showers with friends/cousins/siblings.

Your son is of school age now so that for me would be definitely an upper limit of comfort.

Obviously you dont have a problem or it wouldnt be happening in your house.

Your sd mothers does though.

Its uncomfortable because it makes it seem like she is implying that there is something wrong or your children are a risk to hers.

No mother wants to think that and I understand that.

The reality is though that statistically your children are a higher risk to her than if they were full siblings and the difference in sex is an even higher risk.

No we cant remove all risk of bad things happening we would wrap them up in bubble wrap and never leave the house if we were to try but we can reduce it.

Your post mentions she is aggressive and that your and your partner are on the same page on your parenting approach and it gives the impression to me you think your style of parenting is better.

If she was a more of what you considered a reasonable person would you take her concerns onboard and make some changes?

If the very worst case happened and you found out one of your boys had sexually abused your sd or the way round, would you still be happy that you introduced such relaxed boundaries in your home regarding nudity and personal privacy? All because you consider yourself a family?

It's not a risk I personally would be willing to take with any of my children biological or step.

Allowing the children to see each other naked regularly has already removed a very significant boundary.

You asked for opinions but I'm not sure if you actually wanted them or you just wanted to be told you and your partner should ignore her 'your house, your rules'.

On some things I think that is true, things like what you cook for dinner or dress them in or take them out.

Sometimes though 'your house, your rules' isnt a good enough response and there should be some type of joined thinking. For me personally this is one of those issues.

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 01/11/2019 09:13

"Perhaps if it was dsd's dad supervising and not you it would be a different issue."

I have said that it is him doing all the bathing. I work some weekends, so on the weekends she is here sometimes a bath is needed. When they do, he will do it. Mostly because dsd wouldn't have it any other way.

"When it's about bedrooms and bathtimes it's a joint decision." Between who?

OP posts:

lunar1 · 01/11/2019 09:17

I really wouldn't make this the hill you die on. Your DSD's parents need to make compromises. As you can see from the responses here it's a highly decisive topic. However unreasonable the mum might be, over this particular topic I would compromise. The alternative is that she tells people you and your husband force he dd to share a room and bath with your boys.

The room can't be changed easily, but the bath can. It's just not worth digging your heels in over.

Rainbowhairdontcare · 01/11/2019 09:22

I'm a stepmum with a similar schedule. Ages are different but when it comes to things like bathing/ sleeping arrangements it is a joint decision between the two households. I think your house is too small on a practical level for such a big family. You might have to suck it up and move. We had to even though originally I didn't agree but I can see now it was for the best

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 01/11/2019 09:24

"Your post mentions she is aggressive and that your and your partner are on the same page on your parenting approach and it gives the impression to me you think your style of parenting is better."

Obviously we think that - pretty much everyone thinks their parenting is better. They would change how they parented otherwise.

"If the very worst case happened and you found out one of your boys had sexually abused your sd or the way round, would you still be happy that you introduced such relaxed boundaries in your home regarding nudity and personal privacy? All because you consider yourself a family?"

Our rules aren't relaxed. We follow NSPCC guidance - PANTS. The first rule is that no one should ask to see or touch your private parts (under your underwear). There is a massive difference between this and not letting children have a supervised bath together or sharing a room whilst young.

OP posts:

Cloudyyy · 01/11/2019 09:31

Ohhh I’d be so upset if that was my 3 year old daughter. Her mum has every right to feel uncomfortable with this!! You’re considering your boys’ needs and not hers. Being naked at that age around an unrelated 7 year old boy is a big thing!!! I’d be going out of my way in you shoes to give her a bath after the boys have finished and to make her feel as comfortable as possible.

TuckMyWin · 01/11/2019 09:41

People aren't reading the post. It's the 4 and the 3 year old sharing the bath. Personally I wouldn't have an issue with that. The 7 year old then shares the bedroom. I also wouldn't have a problem with that, but I do think I would in a year or so. I think it would be worth your dp trying to unpick with his ex exactly what it is she has an issue with. I also think that you should start to consider the sleeping arrangements. I know you said your eldest has ASD, and isn't likely to want privacy for some time longer, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't model him wanting it. He's going to need to learn that when changing at school, for example, his peers will want privacy, and I would imagine that it would be confusing for him to have one rule at home and another at school (as an example). It also won't be long before your 4 year old should start to consider that as well, or the youngest- whatever your eldest's thoughts on the matter, you also have to consider how fair it is to make a 5 year old girl share with a boy who is/will soon be starting puberty . Moving/extending doesn't happen overnight.

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