Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How to get Step and Bio kids to get along

38 replies

kelanne05 · 27/10/2019 23:23

Thanks for taking the time to read my concerns and let me vent, I just have no idea where to turn or where to go and hoping you can help!

Bit of a back story is, my partner and I have been together for 12 months, he has 2 boys from previous marriage (9 & 6) and I have a girl (10) and boy (6) also from a previous marriage.

All of the kids will spend a weekend together every fortnight, as of late my son, who can be a handful and has a very strong character and personality, seems to bare the brunt and blame of the SS's "he did this or he did that to me" which will involve pushing or hitting as per normal siblings.

Between the two 6 yr olds I tend to find its a power play between each of them, my SS (6) will often complain and sook about about my son to his dad, who what I feel in his dad's eye SS never does anything wrong and my son will be the one in trouble. It is never taken into account if something was done to my son for him to act out.

I have spoken to my OH about my concerns and told him I dont know how to have my son act like a well behaved child and get along with everyone and it hurts me to think I need to somewhat change who my son is because of these 2 kids.

I am hoping to get some advice on how to make the blending of the boys work and somehow get along for the time they are together and possible strategies/suggestions for my son for dealing with his outbursts, as my relationship works so well and I couldnt love my OH anymore then what I do and don't want this to end the relationship.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Haggisfish · 27/10/2019 23:25

Can’t you just not live together? I really feel for step children in this sort of situation.

Haggisfish · 27/10/2019 23:26

I’ve just reread-youve only been together twelve months?!

DarkMutterings · 27/10/2019 23:33

Strategy for them to get on ... time and not spending the whole weekend together. Do you live together or are you still living apart but trying to spend your weekend together because that's what you want as adults?

Totally separately and very deliberately not in conjunction with trying to 'blend' the families you need to help your 6yr old manage behaviour and not be 'such a handful'

Wildorchidz · 27/10/2019 23:35

I couldnt love my OH anymore then what I do and don't want this to end the relationship.

Do you love your children more?

AutumnCrow · 27/10/2019 23:35

Are you living together? If yes, then since which month? When were the children introduced to each other, and how? What are the sleeping arrangements?

Original poster

kelanne05 · 27/10/2019 23:37

We do not live together and yes only been together for 12 months, so not long.
My children will always come first.

OP posts:

Original poster

kelanne05 · 27/10/2019 23:40

The children were introduced to each other around the 4 months mark of us being together, once we knew it would be something serious between us. They were introduced via an outing to the local swimming pool.

OP posts:

Wildorchidz · 27/10/2019 23:45

🙄

Wildorchidz · 27/10/2019 23:47

So if you don’t live together how come they are spending a weekend together every fortnight?
Let me guess - that’s their father’s contact time with them and instead of spending it with his children he’s at yours?

Wildorchidz · 27/10/2019 23:50

what I feel in his dad's eye SS never does anything wrong and my son will be the one in trouble. It is never taken into account if something was done to my son for him to act out.

So despite what you say about your children coming first you are prepared to allow your 6 year old to be blamed by your dp for any altercations between him and your partners 6 year old

lunar1 · 27/10/2019 23:51

Why not just spend an hour or two together over the weekend. Why do they need to spend the entire time together?

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 27/10/2019 23:54

Can’t you just date without involving your children?

Wildorchidz · 27/10/2019 23:55

Why do they need to spend the entire time together?

Because the adults care more about each other than they do about their children.

AutumnCrow · 28/10/2019 00:03

What are the sleeping arrangements on these weekends? Why do you all have to be together?

It sounds very claustrophobic.

BinkyandBunty · 28/10/2019 00:04

Between us my partner and I have 4 boys close in age, and our youngest 2 are the same age like yours. Together a year though everyone has known each other a lot longer.

We avoid the issues you describe by spending our weekends separately when we both have our children with us which is once a fortnight.
This way we get quality time with our kids and they aren't forced to hang out with people they wouldn't choose to otherwise. We might all have a meal or outing together every couple of months.

Is there any reason you can't do the same if your kids aren't getting along?

MyKingdomForBrie · 28/10/2019 00:05

I would leave the blending for now.

Original poster

kelanne05 · 28/10/2019 00:09

Wildorchidz - thank you for assuming 1. my partner is with me when its his apparent time with the kids, we actually have 50/50 of our kids. 2. That we care more about ourselves then our own kids, that is not the case at all.
I do try and get to the bottom of the incidents and stand in where I need to.

OP posts:

Wildorchidz · 28/10/2019 00:19

So what’s your dp’s reaction when you ‘step in’?
And maybe for the sake of all the children the spending a weekend together every second weekend needs to stop and you and him need to forget about blending until the children are a lot older.

Wildorchidz · 28/10/2019 00:21

It is never taken into account if something was done to my son for him to act out.

You say this. So that implies that in your dp’s eyes your 6 year old is always going to be blamed. So what are you doing about that?

Original poster

kelanne05 · 28/10/2019 00:21

We just like to simply spend time together as a family when we are all together. Being we have some issues I appreciate the advice and think backing off on the weekends will help.

The two older kids will share a room and the younger 2 will share a room, they are all in seperate beds.

OP posts:

Wildorchidz · 28/10/2019 00:25

To be very blunt you are not a family. You are 2 people in a relatively new relationship with 4 young children whose needs should be put first.

Original poster

kelanne05 · 28/10/2019 00:28

Wildorchidz - You could be right, when I do step in and get each child's version of the story as to what happened it is then decided who and what the consequence may be towards.

OP posts:

Wildorchidz · 28/10/2019 00:35

And are you saying that your 10 year old daughter and his 9 year old son share a bedroom? What do they feel about that? Does he bring his children to your home or do you bring your children to his?

DarkMutterings · 28/10/2019 00:41

We just like to simply spend time together as a family when we are all together
Except by the sounds of it at least two of the kids don't like it.

Without being goady, slow down. 12 months is very short and your kids are still young. Maybe a dinner or a trip to the movies once in a while, occasionally a day trip. The rest of the time keep the time as separate families.

BinkyandBunty · 28/10/2019 00:47

I agree, you're not a family!

I get the desire behind it, I really do. I miss my OH terribly when we're apart and would love him to be a part of my family life every day.. but that's not what our kids want or need, and they come first. Always.

And ours are all teenagers, don't assume this stuff gets easier as they get older, it doesn't!

Flip

1 2