How to get Step and Bio kids to get along

[kelanne05]

Thanks for taking the time to read my concerns and let me vent, I just have no idea where to turn or where to go and hoping you can help!

Bit of a back story is, my partner and I have been together for 12 months, he has 2 boys from previous marriage (9 & 6) and I have a girl (10) and boy (6) also from a previous marriage.

All of the kids will spend a weekend together every fortnight, as of late my son, who can be a handful and has a very strong character and personality, seems to bare the brunt and blame of the SS's "he did this or he did that to me" which will involve pushing or hitting as per normal siblings.

Between the two 6 yr olds I tend to find its a power play between each of them, my SS (6) will often complain and sook about about my son to his dad, who what I feel in his dad's eye SS never does anything wrong and my son will be the one in trouble. It is never taken into account if something was done to my son for him to act out.

I have spoken to my OH about my concerns and told him I dont know how to have my son act like a well behaved child and get along with everyone and it hurts me to think I need to somewhat change who my son is because of these 2 kids.

I am hoping to get some advice on how to make the blending of the boys work and somehow get along for the time they are together and possible strategies/suggestions for my son for dealing with his outbursts, as my relationship works so well and I couldnt love my OH anymore then what I do and don't want this to end the relationship.

I don't think it matters too much at the moment because you don't live together. That is a good thing, stay living apart for as long as you can.

Get together as two families only occasionally. You can't force children to be friends though their squabbling probably doesn't seem too bad to them.

Pushing and hitting is not “normal” sibling behaviour and your son shouldn’t have to put up with it in his own home from a relative stranger.

I agree that you're trying to force things too fast. We only properly blended our families last year when we'd been together for nearly 6 years. Before that, if either of us had our kids on a weekend we would mostly do separate stuff with the occasional dinner/outing thrown in. My daughter is not the same age as her step-brothers so they wouldn't naturally hang out together if they weren't forced together by their parents. It's a tricky situation and definitely not one to be rushed.

You're putting your 10 year old DD in a bedroom with a 9 year old boy she barely knows, just as she's hitting puberty and needs her privacy?

Not good. Not good at all.

When OH and I met, many years ago, we had young teenagers, and didn't even think about trying to 'blend' them. We still don't live together - we've always kept our own family homes because that's what's best for the children even now they're older teenagers / young adults.

Of course we miss each other a lot at times, but we have responsibilities. Serious, big responsibilities.

I appreciate what you're saying about holding back from now on, and I think you're right to do this, OP. If he's a good man he'll hold back too, and be patient. It'll tell you a lot about him, and your likely future.

Tbh a blended family with four young(ish) children, even 'just' at weekends, is never going to be easy. I really do wish you well, but I also wish you the wisdom to pace this.

Stop spending entire weekend together and making your kids sleep in rooms with other kids they hardly know and don’t like. Meet up and do an activity together then say goodbye. You are not a family spending time together, you are 2 loved up adults in a new relationship trying to shoehorn reluctant kids into a family so you can sleep together on weekends.

I don’t understand why at only 12 months in anyone would want to date with their children present. why are people so keen to skip the lovely parts of dating and go straight to the drudgery of family life with the added stress of blending several children? It makes no sense.

I agree with PP - it’s all too quick. You are not a family. You may want “family” time, but so do your kids only their definition of family is radically different to yours and does not include some bloke you’ve / they’ve just met and random kids they do not like.

You both need to prioritise your kids and introduce them slowly and gradually only once they are used to the idea and comfortable with it. I’d not even be making an initial introduction until after at least 12 months, let alone making them essentially live together / spend regular overnights.

It’s clearly not working. As you said, think of your children and back way off. If you both have your kids 50;50 then there is plenty of time to spend alone as two adults and then on your own with your respective kids.

I’m not sure why you’d ever think no I g so quick would be good for your kids. You see it time and time again on these threads. It never works and not only will the kids suffer, but also you relationship with them (who feel you’ve put a new guy ahead of them) but also your relationship with the new guy as you argue more and more about the kids.

The two older kids will share a room and the younger 2 will share a room, they are all in seperate beds.

Wow, big NO to this. Your DD is about to start puberty, and you are going to make her share a room with an unrelated (and fairly unknown) 9 year old boy?!

NO WAY.

The three boys would need to share the bigger room - end of.

However, it shouls be a moot point because right now, the best thing you can do for future harmony is to not be pushing this so soon. And it IS soon. You're getting the message loud and clear that the children are finding this hard- so for now, see your P the 50% of the time he does not have his children, and make it occasional daytime days out ONLY.

Like it or not that is honestly the best way to make them get on with one another longer term.

I agree with everyone else you both haven't considered you're dc in this. 12months is fair too soon to be talking about blending families, a 10 dd and a ds aged 9 sharing a room when not necessary. The two 6 years olds are fighting with each because they have been forced together by both parents most likely over territory of their bedroom. Both sets of dc have under gone their parents splitting up and divorcing and now faced with their parents new partner and dc invading their home and time.

Me and my husband had this with our sons who were both ten at the time. Think there was a bit of competition and jealousy. We stopped the sleepovers and did not force a friendship. Eventually it developed and as our relationship progressed the kids realised the had no reason to feel threatened.

Your initial reaction is wanting them to get along but take is slower and they will find their own way of having a relationship with each other. Ours did after a couple of years. Never close buddies as very differnent but rub along nicely X

Thank you for the feedback and advice I really do appreciate it, being this is all new to me it has certainly made me look outside the box.

Where do you spend your time together? When we were at your stage it was always me and my kids being at DP's house (as it was larger and he had more kids) and we had lots of problems between his DS and my DD (both 7) At the route of it DSS was feeling territorial and didn't like DD in his room. DD has nowhere else really to go to play as it wasn't her home. We had a lot of accusations whenever we weren't watching them - mostly DD saying DSS had hit or pushed her and DSS denying it.

We tried to structure the time we spent together a bit more not just leave them to play, and tried to keep DD and DSS apart (we have older kids too so DD could hang out with DSD and DSS with DS which worked much better) And we tried to socialize outside DPs home a bit, to stop the territorial behaviour.

We did move in after the kids had known each other about 2 years, and actually it went really well. DSS had to share a room with DS, but they've always got in fine. DD got her own room and once she had the tension between her and DSS seemed to vanish. They're 16 now and in the 7 years we've been living together have always got on great.

Maybe some of this would work similarly for you?

kelanne05
Thank you for the feedback and advice I really do appreciate it, being this is all new to me it has certainly made me look outside the box.
.............

I expect all the posters are delighted at such excellent news, kelanne. I know I am.