I am just looking to sense-check some feelings that I’m having to make sure they are not coming from a jealous or insecure place if you can please be gentle with me! (First time posting too!)
My boyfriend and I met at work 18 months ago and have been dating/together for a year. We are in our late-thirties and our relationship has become quite serious.
Shortly after our first date, we talked about becoming exclusive and he told me that he’d ended something with a woman he’d dated 6 /7 times.
A couple of months later he told me this woman had got in touch with him to tell him that she was 12 weeks pregnant and that she was certain it was his. She asked if he wanted to try dating her again and at this time he told her he was already seeing someone. He told me about this at the time.
We stayed together. Over the next six months he had some contact with Mum to discuss financial support and what the practical arrangements would be for a paternity test. The baby arrived, he visited her and underwent a paternity test which confirmed the baby was his.
When we were discussing how often he might see the baby in the first few months, I asked whether the Mum was aware of his relationship with me and therefore that I might be around the baby in the near future. He said he had not mentioned a relationship since their first phone call about the pregnancy and she had not asked either. He said as long as the baby was not leaving mums side (breastfeeding), he did not want to upset her/panic her about another woman being around her baby. When he feels ready to take the baby out on his own, he will then broach the subject with her.
I do have a lot of trust in our relationship, so on the one hand I feel that even if I disagree with his approach because I always believe that complete openness is the best policy even if it makes people feel upset or uncomfortable in the beginning, at least they can begin to deal with the facts of a situation. I even feel ok about him spending a few hours with Mum every other weekend as this is not romantic time with her, it is time for him to get used to being around the baby (they went for a walk around a park this weekend).
However I feel that 1. Mum needs to know about his serious relationship so that she can have some say in when it is ok for me to be introduced to baby and she can feel up to meeting me first. 2. This is not going to happen straight away as soon as he tells her, so if he told her now, she could start getting used to the idea, meet me, then when he ready to take baby out on his own, I’m there and ready to support him. 3. For me, I can’t carry on the conversations we’ve been having about moving in together if there’s a possibility that I have to make myself scarce when he has his baby over, as out of respect for Mum I would not want to be there if she isn’t aware of me.
What do people think? Have the conversation soon or wait until baby is older and Dad is taking her out by himself?