When is the right time to tell new mum about a serious relationship?

[L0l0]

I am just looking to sense-check some feelings that I’m having to make sure they are not coming from a jealous or insecure place if you can please be gentle with me! (First time posting too!)
My boyfriend and I met at work 18 months ago and have been dating/together for a year. We are in our late-thirties and our relationship has become quite serious.

Shortly after our first date, we talked about becoming exclusive and he told me that he’d ended something with a woman he’d dated 6 /7 times.
A couple of months later he told me this woman had got in touch with him to tell him that she was 12 weeks pregnant and that she was certain it was his. She asked if he wanted to try dating her again and at this time he told her he was already seeing someone. He told me about this at the time.
We stayed together. Over the next six months he had some contact with Mum to discuss financial support and what the practical arrangements would be for a paternity test. The baby arrived, he visited her and underwent a paternity test which confirmed the baby was his.
When we were discussing how often he might see the baby in the first few months, I asked whether the Mum was aware of his relationship with me and therefore that I might be around the baby in the near future. He said he had not mentioned a relationship since their first phone call about the pregnancy and she had not asked either. He said as long as the baby was not leaving mums side (breastfeeding), he did not want to upset her/panic her about another woman being around her baby. When he feels ready to take the baby out on his own, he will then broach the subject with her.
I do have a lot of trust in our relationship, so on the one hand I feel that even if I disagree with his approach because I always believe that complete openness is the best policy even if it makes people feel upset or uncomfortable in the beginning, at least they can begin to deal with the facts of a situation. I even feel ok about him spending a few hours with Mum every other weekend as this is not romantic time with her, it is time for him to get used to being around the baby (they went for a walk around a park this weekend).

However I feel that 1. Mum needs to know about his serious relationship so that she can have some say in when it is ok for me to be introduced to baby and she can feel up to meeting me first. 2. This is not going to happen straight away as soon as he tells her, so if he told her now, she could start getting used to the idea, meet me, then when he ready to take baby out on his own, I’m there and ready to support him. 3. For me, I can’t carry on the conversations we’ve been having about moving in together if there’s a possibility that I have to make myself scarce when he has his baby over, as out of respect for Mum I would not want to be there if she isn’t aware of me.
What do people think? Have the conversation soon or wait until baby is older and Dad is taking her out by himself?

No advice sorry but you sound really sensible and kind all 3 of them are lucky

Tbh op I would have run a mile of my new partner had got another woman pregnant. His main focus is building a bond with his child not telling his ex his new partner wants to be involved with the babyml.

I wonder why he thinks she will be upset by the fact he is in a serious relationship? I’m not trying to cast aspersions it’s just that everything else you have described is very civilised and grown up and that seems an anomaly.

I agree with you, he should tell her but not in a great big ‘have I got news for you’ sort of way more in a ‘my DP has been dying to meet DD I wonder would you like to meet for coffee?’ Type of way.

There's a screwed up dynamic going on here already if she isn't aware of you... Why the hell are you a secret? I'd be having far more important conversations with your DP about communication/secrets/how to behave in normal relationships because I would not consider him to be someone to have a long term relationship let alone move in with him. All of this should be way ahead of a conversation with his baby's mum...

Your boyfriend told her that he wouldn’t date her as he was seeing someone- has he told her that he is no longer seeing anyone (you) , otherwise why would she assume he is now single?

Thanks all. Everything I do and say at the moment is with "what is best for the baby" in mind and at the moment that does include Mums feelings. I know from watching friends go through it the upset that a new DP can cause even if there are no romantic feelings anymore.

I think he needs to see the baby far more often if he wants a decent bond with them. If he can't do overnight atm due to BF then he should be dropping in EOD IMO. I think he needs to think about that before he considers when he's going to get anyone else involved.

I think he needs to tell her now. Agree not in a big announcement kind of way, but she definitely needs to be aware that you exist. And you have a right not to be treated like a shameful secret - as things stand nobody has done anything wrong, everyone has been upfront and honest and if that continues, you could all be fine. But any hint of dishonesty from him and it could ruin any trust that his ex feels and that you feel.

I would run a mile from a man who would refuse to tell the mother of his child of my existence. He's behaving like you're a guilty secret & he's doing something 'wrong' by being with you.
Babies are very bonding & I would be seriously wondering if his reluctance to tell her is that his feelings are confused and he's trying to keep his options open so to speak? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but we see time & time again on here how parents who are not together still struggle to separate out their relationships with their children and their relationships with their exes - to the detriment of many a partner.
I would be proceeding very slowly re moving in together tbh & his readiness (or not) to be upfront with his 'ex' will tell you a lot about his future behaviour.

I would have ended it the moment he told me that she was pregnant with his baby.

He's probably petrified that she'll stop contact and doing everything to keep on the right side of her. Sounds crazy but it is so much harder for dads, especially those of newborns that would easily not recognise them at all.

You've taken it all well. I don't think I could cope with a baby being born with his ex and the stuff that follows that. I get you want to be part of child which is nice but step carefully as mothers are fiercely protective and petrified their child might get attached to you, would break their heart even though the truth is we would want our kids to have a good relationship with ex's partner. Emotional.

I would ask him to mention you subtly in conversation, maybe he could talk about he getting a place with you. But try not to put to much pressure on, I am experienced in the 'step mother' role and it can quickly turn against you.

It will happen though, it will become routine contact and you'll be around but in the stages of baby/toddler/young child and this can take ages before proper contact alone can be made, babies need stability and routine. I would also say less of the.. you'll help him with baby, that would likely get her back up.. more a 'you'll casually be around child at times'

See a mother will instantly imagine you mothering the child and you guys having that little family unit that she's not going to have with him.

Personally I would not want another woman no matter how serious mothering my baby. I would want ex to keep that separate until I knew them and my child was old enough to know who their mum is and could say if that person wasn't that nice to them.

It's not going to be easy unless she's really relaxed about it all.

Wishing you luck

I really don’t think that the mother of your boyfriends baby has to meet you at all, she should trust that he has made a good choice in you and that he can decide if your suitable to meet his child, which of course you obviously are if your here in the first place asking for advice.

I don’t think people should be introducing kids to their partners until they’ve been together for a year at least, and this is when kids are at an age when they can remember people so a baby is slightly different, obviously if she is breastfeeding then she can pump her milk into bottles because access isn’t supposed to work with the father sitting with the mother to see the baby and if she always wants access this way then I’d be concerned that her motives were leaning towards wanting him back.

OP when you say dated 6/7 times then do you mean that they had 6/7 dates or do you mean that they have had a relationship and got back together 6/7 times?

Not trying to be offensive here but he’s doing the right thing. His focus for the next 2-3 years should be HIS relationship with the baby not yours; and it’s likely his visits to the ex will increase until his child is ready for overnights. Think really carefully about what this means for you and your relationship.

This is a very difficult one! You're obviously a considerate person and he did tell his baby's mother when she contacted him about the pregnancy that he was seeing someone, presumably she knows he still is.

I agree with you that he should be open with the lady about how serious you and he are, as he is visiting and supporting she knows he is reliable about such things. I wonder why he hasn't done that already when she knows he and her are not going to get back together - or does she?

Don't move in with him, or move him in with you, at the moment. Wait until he's sorted out exactly where he is with his child and her mother, and he's told her more about you. Be a bit more wary, this is a sensitive situation for all of you.

All the best .

You can have a relationship with a person and have a child! It’s a bit strange to suggest otherwise Grumpy, that’s like saying to your husband that you can no longer stay in the marriage because you have a child now!

Also the access to the child does not have to be at his exes house all the time at all, he can take the child overnight from about 8 months onwards, the baby’s mother just has to express the milk, and even without an overnight then he can take the child out with him, access at the exes home isn’t normal imo.

It’s not in a bf baby’s best interest to be taken for overnights when they’re 8 months old, what a ridiculous thing to suggest. And I wasn’t suggesting it’s impossible for OP to have a relationship with a man with a child, just that while that child is a baby the focus should be on the parent-child relationship not the relationship between the child and the parent’s partner. For the next 2-3 years her DP has to focus on building that parent child relationship; and if OP were my friend or daughter I would absolutely ask her to consider what that means for her.

Why is it ridiculous?! My father babysat my daughter overnight from 6 months old as she was sleeping through the night, it’s a matter of opinion and anyway, your basically saying that he will need to see his child at his exes home til the child is 2-3, I find this ridiculous! As long as boyfriend has a cot and all the necessary baby stuff then what’s the issue?

She asked if he wanted to try dating her again and at this time he told her he was already seeing someone.

I don’t see why he needs to reiterate to her that he is seeing you. She has been told he is in a relationship and presumably has no reason to think it has ended. However, I do think it is odd if he goes out of his way to not mention you anymore when he is talking to her because surely you would just naturally come up in conversation.

Grumpy maybe we disagree because of a generation gap? I’m 38.

I think the boyfriend can have a girlfriend and focus on his baby and the baby’s mother, due to the baby being a baby at this time then it’s not like they will have tons of things to discuss atm regarding the baby.

OP He just needs to make sure that he tells the woman that he is still with you, and like other PPs then I cannot understand what he said to her to make her think that your no longer part of his life, or did he? are you sure he no longer has feelings for her? This woman isn’t and shouldn’t be more important than you OP, you are both important but in different ways, nor is she in charge of his life just because she is his child’s mother, many women, and men, think that because they have a child with someone, then this somehow gives them a right over a person, as if everything has to be ok’d with them first.

Glad it worked for you with your child, but the facts and research say something different. Children shouldn’t be staying away from the resident parent until at least the pre-school years.

I am a year older than you - this isn’t a ‘generational gap’ but more of a common sense one. I can’t believe people on MN are recommending that a breastfeeding baby should be staying away from it’s RP to facilitate a 1 year relationship between the non-RP’s partner and the baby. In no way shape or form is this healthy for the child and eventually would breed resentment between OP and the child too.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/children/10194113/Babies-who-spent-more-than-one-night-a-week-away-from-mother-are-more-insecure.html

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/18/childcare-claim-children-emotional-absent-parent

Hmmmm I don't understand why you have to be a secret if they aren't together and haven't been for 18'months.

I would be a bit wary I'm afraid. Are you sure he isn't telling her another story?

It’s not just to do with facilitating his relationship with the OP, it’s the fact that most people that have access take the child away to spend time with him/her.

I disagree that it’s common sense and I see zero issue with it, breast milk gets expressed into bottles so there’s not an issue there.

There are so many different articles on how to parent, and so there’s not always a right or wrong answer with certain aspects of parenting, it’s down to the individual child really, otherwise how would a working parent be able to leave their child in the hands of nurseries and childminders for 8 hours a day if it was so bad for the child? Some mothers are single (like this one the OP talks of) and therefore have to financially support themselves and so going back to work after maternity leave is crucial, and many are breastfeeding and so the milk will have to be expressed, this is the same except the person that the child is being left with, is the parent in this case.

We will have to agree to disagree which is okay, and debates are what threads are all about really .

The problem is as you stated yourself, it is likely to be quite some time before it would be reasonable for the baby to start spending time with you, especially if he is only going to see her eow, so on this basis, what's the point in mentioning you for something that might not happen for a couple of years potentially, when 2 years is a long a time in a relationship that is only 12 months old and when you are not yet living together.

I genuinely admire you for sticking by him because as you are finding out, it takes someone with much guts to do so as it involves such a demand for patience, trust and being selfless, but I do believe that it can work if you can be strong enough.

Do remember though that for this baby and certainly for this woman, you are totally meaningless, and that's why he doesn't see the point of bringing you up, when his focus is to build enough trust with the mum to be able to build a bond and relationship with his daughter, which is hard enough to do if you were not in his life.

Have ppl missed this?

She asked if he wanted to try dating her again and at this time he told her he was already seeing someone.

He told his Ex... unless he tells her he has split up, she should assume he's still with his new GF.

I don't see that he needs to update her in his relationship status...they aren't together and it doesn't sound like it was a serious relationship anyway... just 6/7 dates.