When is the right time to tell new mum about a serious relationship?

[L0l0]

I am just looking to sense-check some feelings that I’m having to make sure they are not coming from a jealous or insecure place if you can please be gentle with me! (First time posting too!)
My boyfriend and I met at work 18 months ago and have been dating/together for a year. We are in our late-thirties and our relationship has become quite serious.

Shortly after our first date, we talked about becoming exclusive and he told me that he’d ended something with a woman he’d dated 6 /7 times.
A couple of months later he told me this woman had got in touch with him to tell him that she was 12 weeks pregnant and that she was certain it was his. She asked if he wanted to try dating her again and at this time he told her he was already seeing someone. He told me about this at the time.
We stayed together. Over the next six months he had some contact with Mum to discuss financial support and what the practical arrangements would be for a paternity test. The baby arrived, he visited her and underwent a paternity test which confirmed the baby was his.
When we were discussing how often he might see the baby in the first few months, I asked whether the Mum was aware of his relationship with me and therefore that I might be around the baby in the near future. He said he had not mentioned a relationship since their first phone call about the pregnancy and she had not asked either. He said as long as the baby was not leaving mums side (breastfeeding), he did not want to upset her/panic her about another woman being around her baby. When he feels ready to take the baby out on his own, he will then broach the subject with her.
I do have a lot of trust in our relationship, so on the one hand I feel that even if I disagree with his approach because I always believe that complete openness is the best policy even if it makes people feel upset or uncomfortable in the beginning, at least they can begin to deal with the facts of a situation. I even feel ok about him spending a few hours with Mum every other weekend as this is not romantic time with her, it is time for him to get used to being around the baby (they went for a walk around a park this weekend).

However I feel that 1. Mum needs to know about his serious relationship so that she can have some say in when it is ok for me to be introduced to baby and she can feel up to meeting me first. 2. This is not going to happen straight away as soon as he tells her, so if he told her now, she could start getting used to the idea, meet me, then when he ready to take baby out on his own, I’m there and ready to support him. 3. For me, I can’t carry on the conversations we’ve been having about moving in together if there’s a possibility that I have to make myself scarce when he has his baby over, as out of respect for Mum I would not want to be there if she isn’t aware of me.
What do people think? Have the conversation soon or wait until baby is older and Dad is taking her out by himself?

SandyY2K I mentioned exactly the same thing this morning!

My concern would be that he wanted to keep you and the ex separate so you couldn’t discuss dates of your respective relationships.

OP do you have any qualms as to an overlap or anything?

Honestly I think it sounds like he’s doing the right thing in trying to see and bond with his new baby. The new mother doesn’t need to know about you yet and tnpribably doesn’t need a big announcement/ meeting either. He can just subtly start to mention you and you will meet baby when he brings him back to your shared house for visits. It doesn’t have to be a stress. You sound like you’re very calm and thoughtful about the situation, I wish you all the bessttt.

Saying that the new mother doesn’t need to know about the OP yet suggests that you think it’s her ‘right’ to know, it’s this thing where people seem to think that having a child to someone equals power over their life, he isn’t answerable to her at all and it could be that she perhaps tried to trap him, she did tell him she was pregnant and then asked to try again with him so it’s very likely, although not relevant anymore as baby is here but just sayin’...

How on Earth doesn’t saying the new mother doesn’t need to know about OP suggest in any way that she has a right to know? It’s sayig she isn’t relevant to the current situation of bonding with new baby.

Because being in a relationship is a normal thing to tell someone and especially as he will be around baby mummy a lot when he is visiting his baby so by not telling her then it sounds like he will be sparing her feelings IYSWIM?

No it’s not relevant but it won’t be nice for the OP being kept a secret, and surely baby mummy and the OPs man won’t just talk baby for the time he is there, baby’s are very boring when they’re baby’s so the adults will speak!

@Candle1000

We must be the only ones to have read that bit.

You're not a secret OP. He told her he was seeing someone...what more do you want at this stage.

@SandyY2K I did clock that but to me it read like he told her this at the start of her pregnancy when she asked him to try again, but hasn't discussed it/the seriousness of the relationship since - it's like he hasn't bothered to keep her up to speed.
In many ways his relationship status is none of her business - but in the interests of clarity & given that it's a tricky & highly emotional set up for all concerned I'd be very concerned that OP is hearing one thing but his child's mother is hearing another.
Maybe I'm way off - but in any situation but particularly an 'irregular' one I personally would want lots of clarity & everyone on the same page.

Thanks again to all who have posted. I don’t have any worries about overlap in the relationship, as I said he told me very early on about ending something with her after 6 or 7 dates and he has told me about any bit of contact they’ve had since so I feel like he’s totally open and honest in that respect. I’m just looking to sound out advice and opinions on what is best when it comes to new mum / new relationship from people who may have some experience or from the perspective of step-mums / dads etc as I’ve never been in this situation before!
I definitely see that this time is about building a bond for him and my involvement is tertiary, but for the other 13.5 days a fortnight, our relationship continues to develop too! And I want the path ahead to be as pain free as it can be!

Magda72 I too thought the same as you, that the OP was mentioned to the baby mummy at the start but then he didn’t elaborate or say how serious the relationship was, I think the majority of us think this?

OP you sound really understanding and very kind as to even want to meet the baby mummy, some women are very jealous and immature about stuff like this.

I hope it all works out for you and your man, and I don’t see why it wouldn’t!

Good luck xxx

I was the "new mum" in this scenario. It was hard. Really really hard and without a doubt the hardest thing was his new relationship and her involving herself.

I'm not sure I can explain why really. The difference really was that he made sure I knew all about her and how she was going to be part of DCs life.

I was nearly physically sick when I saw a phone of her laying with my newborn baby on her chest. Boundaries were crossed.

I wish I had been stronger and refused to let him take the baby on his own but I was weak and confused.

ImTheCaddy this woman had just 7 dates with the guy so she would be a bit silly to feel jealous of his girlfriend, it sounds like it was nothing serious between the OPs man and the baby mummy.

I’m sure the baby mummy will have a new partner some day and he will be involved with the baby so she has to accept that he will be involved with people.

Maybe your hormones made you feel the way you did.

I think it’s a bit odd to have a baby to a man that you only had a few dates with, and then try to get the man back, maybe she tried to trap him on purpose, you never know.

Boundaries were crossed with your newborn lying on her chest (I didn’t read all of your post the first time) as this is something that the parents do, not the girlfriend of one parent, I would be pissed off at this too and what sort of woman would do this, probably one without a child of her own. Stupid woman.

The baby shouldn’t be away for the night until it’s at least 6 months - 8 months old.

@ImTheCaddy I can understand that would be very hard to see. I think it was @Inappropriatefemale who said that she may be upset about the idea that we will potentially be a future family unit that she won't have with him. Or she might harbor no romantic feelings for him and in time it won't be an issue. I think this is why I feel that being completely open is the best policy, not in a "I've got a girlfriend and she's amazing" way but certainly not in a "well I did tell you 9 months ago that I'd started seeing someone" way either! I keep saying thank you for the responses and I mean it; I can see that ultimately it is his situation to deal with how he sees best and I'll keep doing my thing! Thanks for the well wishes

He dated her 6 or 7 times and got her pregnant wow! I suggest a sexual health check OP.

Thanks @pannalash We're both big bad adults so we had all of that

I do think a parent has a right to know who will be around their child. This new mum only had 7 dates with this man and so to all intents and purposes he is a stranger to her too. I wouldn't automatically trust his decision making on the basis of so short a relationship. The OP sounds fab, but the new mum doesn't know this. For me, it's not about controlling another person's life, but safeguarding your child, which every parent has a right to do.
It might be different if they'd had a real relationship and she knew him properly and knew what kind of dad he'd be.

And I want the path ahead to be as pain free as it can be!
But you can't control that and him telling her all about you and how he plans a future with you and therefore expects that you'll be in the child's life at some point is in no way going to ensure there is no pain, on the opposite, it is more likely to get her to go on the defensive and get her natural protective feelings out.

Listen to him, he is right and sadly, you need to accept that by opting to become serious with a man who's just had a baby with someone he hardly knew and opting to be in their lives, you'd have a much harder emotional time ahead.

For me...unless told otherwise, if I was the mum I would assume he is still seeing the person he mentioned at the start of the pregnancy.

I wouldn't see his relationship as any of my business... just as any relationship if mine wouldn't be his business.

I would see this as a downside of having a child with someone I really don't know well.

You were somewhat brave to continue in the relationship given the circumstances, especially as you say you've kind of been there before. It's just to much hassle.

The mum might be a decent person, but co-parenting with a man or woman you don't really know isn't going to be easy.

I wish you all the best of luck.

A court won't consider breastfeeding as a reason for the father not to see a baby for prolonged periods alone or overnight. In the early stages yes but not until 2-3 years old! The general consensus is that it's better for a child to have a valuable relationship with both parents than it is for them to be breastfed. Have you ever heard of a child having psychological issues from not being breastfed? No. Have you ever heard of a child having psychological issues from a weak or strained relationship with their father? Hell yes. The bond comes first. It's not essential to breastfeed a baby past 1 year old as they should be weaned fully onto solid foods, drinking water and there's lots of healthy alternatives for milk at 1 year old as well. It's everyone's choice how long they breastfeed for but a court would never stop overnight stays until 2-3 years old on the basis of breastfeeding. Also, a child shouldn't be away overnight from the RP until pre-school age? 🤔. Both myself and my husband are RP to our son as we're together and he's gone away overnight about 6 times since he was about 7 months old to stay with my mum or mil so we can attend weddings and things. I must have missed that rule on not letting him out of our sight until he's a pre-schooler! He's 3

Hope he is not keeping you a secret because he is hedging his bets with this woman who clearly would like to be in a relationship with him.
I would expect him to make it clear that he is in a relationship with you, so there is no misunderstandings in regards to him being a free agent.
If he wont/dosent let the mum of his child know about you then I'd suggest leaving this relationship for your own sake.

OP it’s very plausible that this woman wants him back, she kept his baby for one and when she found out she was pregnant then she asked to get back with him, it’s not unthinkable that she still has feelings for him and her hormones will still be all over the place, but if you trust your partner then it’s okay. I just hope that she isn’t jealous of you and that she doesn’t start using the child as a weapon as so many women do.