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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do you say goodbye

46 replies

Katexoxo · 18/10/2019 21:33

My partner has broken up with me and of course I’m absolutely devastated. He’s still living with me for the next 2 weeks until he can get into his new place. He has a son who is 5 and who I’ve been building a relationship with for the last 4 years and honestly I love him to bits, my life has revolved around him for that time and he’s honestly been one of the best things that I’ve ever been lucky enough to be a part of. I don’t know how I’m going to cope when I suddenly am never allowed to see him again in a couple of weeks time. Just wondering if anyone has any advice of what happens with stepchildren when a relationship with their parent ends? It’s heartbreaking, I don’t want him to think I just abandoned him but he’s very young to understand.

OP posts:

Original poster

Katexoxo · 20/10/2019 18:16

@SandyY2K yes I agree he was never as bothered about me as I was him. I was definitely the one putting all the effort in anyway. I think I need to have a bit of a lif shuffle!

Today’s been nice spending all day with him playing games all day etc. Trying to just have one last lovely day, still doesn’t feel real.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 20/10/2019 19:37

I was going to say let your Ex know that if his DS wants to talk to you on the phone or to pop over...you'd be okay with that...but I have a feeling he would just take advantage of your kind nature.

He'd probably have you babysitting when he's out on dates.

CantstandmLMs · 20/10/2019 19:47

I've been there, OP. I never got to say goodbye. I think about that little boy often and sometimes see his pics via his sister and mums fb page. Always feels bittersweet.
Ex has introduced him to the new woman really quickly and then would text me saying he misses me 🤦🏻‍♀️ Honestly, some men!!

I am in a new relationship and my partner has a daughter. I'm really hesitant to meet her and get involved for this reason. Obviously I will at some point but it's hard.

Allington · 20/10/2019 19:59

I am so sorry.

As an adoptive parent I was so lucky that Dad's birth mum and foster mum were able to put her first and we could keep contact for her benefit.

The more adults who love and are there for a child the better.

Sadly it sounds as if your now ex is not mature enough to put their child's interests first. Please try to do a proper goodbye, and let them know that you love them

Allington · 20/10/2019 20:00

DD's not Dad's

Original poster

Katexoxo · 20/10/2019 21:08

Really appreciate all the advice everyone and agree with all of it! As lovely as today was it was so hard, he kept saying ‘I love you so much’
The only plan I can think of is to maybe invite them both over for a visit after he’s moved out. Kind of a transition where we can spend a bit of time together but he’ll go home afterwards. Long term I know it’s going to be up to his dad and I have to respect that. Really not helping that he is non communicative about anything like that. He hasn’t said a word to me other than ‘yes’ ‘no’ or ‘thanks’
Getting quite upset that I’ve put so much into him and his son yet now I get absolutely nothing and not even the respect of being told what’s actually going on!

OP posts:

QueenofPain · 20/10/2019 21:14

Just get this horrid man out of your house ASAP. How on earth is he speaking to you like that when you’ve provided somewhere for him to stay untill his house is ready?!

Magda72 · 21/10/2019 15:47

@Katexoxo - just seen your update. Seriously - ask him to leave NOW! He really is taking the piss out of your good and kind nature

Original poster

Katexoxo · 21/10/2019 16:42

I’ve kind of done the opposite! My friends booked a hotel for a few days for us to have some well needed relaxation time! I’m hopeful that when I return he’ll be packed up but still not sorted anything out! I know I’m kind of ignoring the situation at the moment which isn’t the best thing but I need a time out and get my head together about what I need to say to him. I know I sound pathetic but I’m scared for the moment he leaves and it’s truly over

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SandyY2K · 21/10/2019 19:50

The imbalance in your relationship just screams out . It comes across like you suffer from low self esteem and almost felt privileged to be with him.

No doubt he is aware of that, hence he's treating you like this. He has every right to end the relationship if it's not working for him, but his manner towards you us is unpleasant.

Your kind nature has been taken advantage of. You really need to focus on yourself. It's great you're going away with friends... be firm with him with when he should leave your house.

Original poster

Katexoxo · 27/10/2019 17:07

Update: he’s gone, don’t know if I’ll be able to say goodbye he didn’t give me an answer when I asked, feeling very low about the whole thing, thanks for everyone’s advice x

OP posts:

Apileofballyhoo · 27/10/2019 17:15

This is heartbreaking, OP. My ex had a little sister I was very close to and nobody told her when we spilt up (only found this out years later) and she was so upset and hurt. In the beginning we used to have play dates, for want of a better description, but I moved away from home and these fizzled out. Poor thing, it still bothers me sometimes.

OkayGoooouuuuuullllll · 27/10/2019 18:16

You sound lovely op

CheapChild · 28/10/2019 16:46

I'm coming at it from a mum. As hard as it is, my kids dad broke up their relationship & then pretended she couldn't cope with the kids. I know it wasn't true as she sent presents for them for xmas. You have to look after you now & build your own life.

Original poster

Katexoxo · 02/11/2019 01:16

Further update: (this just keeps getting worse) I feel that this probably should be a whole separate thread but I’ve explained the situation on here and you’ve all been so lovely. I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, now what

OP posts:

MoiraBrown101 · 02/11/2019 03:49

Is it the right time for you to have a child? You personally I mean.

NotMaryWhitehouse · 02/11/2019 06:15

@Katexoxo well, what would you like to happen next? Are you happy to be pregnant?

Original poster

Katexoxo · 02/11/2019 09:34

I’m not going to be able to keep it, although I’d love to, circumstances would make it too difficult, don’t know how to tell him seen as he’s cut himself off completely

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Bonniegirl435 · 09/11/2019 20:09

You sound like a lovely step mum, so sorry tou r going through this x

I have (had) 3 step children, i was incredible close to one of them, i spit with the ex when she was 12, after 8 years being their step mum.
contact totally stopped, broke my heart, i tried to maintain contact but it caused too many issues with the ex.
She is now 20.
Then 10 months ago, dsc mum passed away, when i heard i reached out to tell them how sorry i was and i was always around if they need me, dsd is now back in my life , i see her alot, and my god it make my heart happy, iv got that missing piece back.

Sickoffamilydrama · 09/11/2019 20:21

I'm so sorry OP that is so hard.

OP in regards to the pregnancy if you'd love to keep it then do. What circumstances are they that are stopping you? Plenty of women have children without the dads being around.

Equally if you decide you can't it may be less painful and stressful for you not to tell your ex.

Original poster

Katexoxo · 10/11/2019 20:12

It’s not the kind of circumstances I’d want to bring a child into, it’s an extremely hard decision but I think I’d struggle massively especially financially, it’s all a big mess!

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