Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

How do you say goodbye

46 replies

Katexoxo · 18/10/2019 21:33

My partner has broken up with me and of course I’m absolutely devastated. He’s still living with me for the next 2 weeks until he can get into his new place. He has a son who is 5 and who I’ve been building a relationship with for the last 4 years and honestly I love him to bits, my life has revolved around him for that time and he’s honestly been one of the best things that I’ve ever been lucky enough to be a part of. I don’t know how I’m going to cope when I suddenly am never allowed to see him again in a couple of weeks time. Just wondering if anyone has any advice of what happens with stepchildren when a relationship with their parent ends? It’s heartbreaking, I don’t want him to think I just abandoned him but he’s very young to understand.

OP posts:
AthollPlace · 18/10/2019 21:48

I once broke up with a boyfriend who had a daughter about that age. Poor kid didn’t have much of a mother - I often had to stop her saying she hoped people thought I was her real mum etc. I didn’t want to upset her by saying goodbye, so I didn’t. I just wasn’t there any more. Her dad made excuses and eventually she stopped asking. I knew she’d forget, because really, how many of us remember much from when we were four anyway?

That was 20 years ago and I don’t think she remembers me at all. I randomly walked past her at the shopping centre one day and she didn’t recognise me.

kitk · 19/10/2019 13:27

Just to give you some experience from the other side, my ex recently broke up with his girlfriend and DD8 was devastated. Her dad didn't really give her a chance to say goodbye and she's really anxious about adults leaving her now. I don't know what's best and obvs this child is younger but it's such a horrible situation. I really feel for the ex gf

Robin2323 · 19/10/2019 13:42

Can you not still keep in touch ?
And definitely make sure you tell him how much you love him when you say good bye.

Original poster
Katexoxo · 19/10/2019 13:52

Thanks everyone, I would love to keep in touch but very much doubt my ex would allow that and I do see why, especially when he eventually meets someone else as things could get complicated, he’s been such a massive part of my life for so long but he’s so young to understand why I’ve got to let him go Sad

OP posts:
Livebythecoast · 19/10/2019 14:11

Oh that's so sad. I'm so sorry Flowers.
Do you think his Dad would let you be like a penpal? It just seems so cruel for both of you to just disappear from each other's lives.
You could write with your 'news' and his Dad could help him write back. That way there's still a connection. Not sure that's a good suggestion but it seems harsh to just be cut off when you clearly think the world of him.

Footle · 19/10/2019 14:11

Can you ask his father what he's intending to tell the little boy about the end of the relationship?

HollowTalk · 19/10/2019 14:13

You're very good to let him stay with you when he's dumped you. That must be incredibly uncomfortable.

I hope your ex has the emotional intelligence to deal with his child carefully.

Original poster
Katexoxo · 19/10/2019 14:48

He’s not the best at communication and will tend to avoid it at all costs. From what I’ve managed to gather he’s planning on just taking him to his new place in a couple of weeks and I’m sure will just say something like ‘you won’t see her anymore.’ I’ve spent all day today with the little boy having cuddles and watching films as he crept into bed and I couldn’t say no. Just wanna make the most of any second I have left. Feel like this is the unknown part of being a SP, that at any minute the DSC can be completely removed from your life and there’s nothing you can do about it, incredibly sad! I can’t go out shopping without looking what I can buy for him, my whole outlook on life is gonna have to change!

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 19/10/2019 14:54

Please please find a way to say goodbye. My exh moved out after 5 years - married for 4 - without saying goodbye to my dc. Ds sobbed for 13 weeks every single night. Absolutely traumatised...

SandyY2K · 19/10/2019 17:39

Please please find a way to say goodbye

I think she needs to follow the father's wishes on this.

He may not want his DS upset with a goodbye.

Your DS was upset, but it doesn't necessarily mean this boy will be the same and if he is upset, it's his father's responsibility to deal with the aftermath.

Personally, this is why caution needs to be exercised with getting close to SC and when ppl complain SC are not treated equally by grandparents.... you can see why.

They can be removed from your life at the click of a finger and you'd never see then again.

Original poster
Katexoxo · 19/10/2019 21:08

Thanks for the advice everyone, feeling very low tonight, aren’t evenings just the worst?! I just wish I didn’t have to have either of them walk out of my life and the wait is just agonising until they do. Feel like I have nothing they were my world.

OP posts:
GoodBoyGhost · 19/10/2019 21:15

You sound lovely OP. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, it's a horrible situation to be in. Sending you lots of love and courage Flowers

notapizzaeater · 19/10/2019 21:18

Could you get In touch with DSS mum and meet through her ?

My grandad did this to us - I was about 8 and 'auntie Flo' disappeared overnight - I still remember 40 + years later

NannaNoodleman · 19/10/2019 21:19

What about the book "the invisible string" ... have it as a bedtime story and then give him the book when he moves out.

Sounds really tough. Thanks

Original poster
Katexoxo · 19/10/2019 22:32

@notapizzaeater I have thought about it but kind of worry about rejection all over again if she says it’s not a good idea, I imagine my ex would not be happy going behind his back either. I will think about it though, we’ve always got on well.

@NannaNoodleman looks a good book, thanks for the recommendation I’ll give it a go.

Thanks everyone for the support Smile made a difficult evening that bit easier

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 19/10/2019 23:01

Tbh it might not be what ex wants but it's the best option for the DSS then you could withdraw over time

Northernparent68 · 19/10/2019 23:57

Maybe a clean break is best, if you stay in touch with your stepson, what will happen when you meet someone new ? Or have a child of your own. Going behind you ex’s back is a really bad idea, and again for how long would that work ?

Magda72 · 20/10/2019 00:08

Hi @Katexoxo - you sound like a wonderful caring person & I'm very sorry you're having to go through this. However, I do think your gut instinct which is telling you your ex wouldn't like it if you wrote to dss or went behind his back & spoke to the dm, should be listened to. Unfortunately you really have no say in maintaining contact in this situation & are at the mercy of your ex. If dss was a late teen then you could strive to maintain contact independently of your ex, but you can't with a child this young.
I don't say this to be cruel - I'm just being realistic - & it's just another eg of how step parents frequently draw the short straw. I was not overly invested in my exdp's teens but I was invested in him & his relationship with them & honestly the more I saw & still hear of step-parenting the more I wonder why anyone bothers. I know I'm probably jaundiced but it really is (imo) the most stressful of relationships & you are constantly sidelined in so many ways.
As an aside I think your ex is being remarkably cruel in staying with you until his place is ready - this serves no one; not you nor dss - bar your ex & my advice to you would be to firmly tell him to find alternative living arrangements. He's upended your life in many ways & you need time & space to grieve the end of two relationships.
Sending you a virtual hug.

readitandwept · 20/10/2019 00:37

Ah, OP Sad

Sorry that you're facing this. But I think you know it's best not to maintain contact. Far too complicated for everyone further down the line.

The book suggested is a nice idea. Even if he doesn't much get it just now, he'll look back in years to come and understand why you gave him it and that will still mean so much. Assuming his dad lets him keep it. Or if you get in with mum, give it to her to keep for him, once you've read it a few times.

Thanks
readitandwept · 20/10/2019 00:39

But I agree it's cruel for you and the wee one for ex to be staying with you now. I'd put and end to that.

Helmlover1 · 20/10/2019 01:11

It’s a really difficult situation, and I bet it will be equally as upsetting for your SC as it sounds as though you have developed a strong bond with each other. Could you suggest you and your ex both sitting down with your SC together and explaining the situation in simple terms that makes sense to a child, along the lines of ‘your daddy and I will not be living together anymore so that means I won’t see you either which I’m really sad about because I’ve really enjoyed the time we have spent together...’ so then at least there’s some sort of closure for you both. Just make it perfectly clear that the split is in no way the child’s fault.

quickentheprocess · 20/10/2019 01:20

my stepmom was in my life from me being 2 to 25. she was amazing and the best mom i could have wished for. we spent a lot of time together, we did things just us 2 (even after her and my dad had my new siblings). she would tell people "this is my daughter" if we bumped into her colleagues in shops etc. she cheated on my dad and he kicked her out the same day, over 10 years ago. she hasnt contacted me since.

Original poster
Katexoxo · 20/10/2019 10:39

Thanks everyone. I think my overriding thought is that I don’t want to try and keep in contact for my own selfish reasons of wanting to see him. If you love them let them go and all that. Only problem is that’s so hard!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/10/2019 17:24

You're right. Let him go and if I were you I'd never have a relationship with a man with kids again.

A good distraction is investing time in yourself. Get out of the house when they're in sometime.... go to the gym....visit friends... and as much as you love someone, always maintain a life independent of them.

Making another person your world can be dangerous when it all comes crashing down.

It doesn't sound like he held you in the same high place in his life.

Imtootired · 20/10/2019 17:35

A good friend of mine is a single mum to a boy and they still have regular contact with the dads ex-wife, even though the dad doesn’t. She was his step mum when he was little so they really care about each other. Obviously it would be a different relationship but I would contact the mum and say you really love the boy, could you come over and see him once in a while. Especially birthdays and Christmas etc you could go round with a present and catch up. I don’t understand why some people are saying it’s better to give no explanation. Seems so unnecessarily cruel, especially if you do get on with the mum ok