Is it socially acceptable to call him my step son?

[rlw10]

I have been with my partner for 18 months, when we got together his son was 9 months old. I had met the son a few times before my partner and I got together as we were friends for several years beforehand, so I was quite active in his son's life from the start.
I get along well with my partner's son's mum and I look after him on my own a lot as my partner often works weekends and holidays. We have a son of our own now but I don't treat my partner's son any differently, we within the family refer to him as my step son and me as his step mum but I've have people outside of the family correct me because I'm not married to his father, and I feel silly saying it at my age (21).
I just find it easier to say than "my partners son" and I feel that because of our bond and close relationship we are as much a family as we would be if my partner and I were married, and we're not going to get married because he doesn't see the point in marriage, which I have accepted
So, is it alright for me to call him that or should I forever refer to him as "my partner's son?"
TIA sorry it's long winded 🙈

He doesn't see the point in marriage as he says that you don't need a certificate to prove you love someone

If it means so little to.him.then he won't mind popping to the registry office and legally marrying you. That way you can get some protection for when he gets bored and pisses off with the next 20year old. 👍

He doesn't see the point in marriage as he says that you don't need a certificate to prove you love someone

Probably said that to his other son's mum too.

Refer to him by his name. Unless it’s anyone’s business to know his relationship to you.

I suppose we haven't really spoken about the financial and legal side of marriage.

Now is a really good time to inform yourself about the financial and legal side of marriage.

It is one thing to not need a piece of paper to prove your love. From his point of view, it's very convenient that you are giving up your earning power to look after your own child plus a child from his previous relationship.

What are you doing for money ? Your daily living expenses, the children and longer term things like your pension.

What would happen if he left you, or asked you to leave and wanted his latest girlfriend to look after the children. Or wanted you to leave and continue to look after the children ? Or had a terrible accident or worse fatal accident?

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences//*

You are very young, have a wonderful baby and a man with whom you are in love and love enough to look after his child too. That's a lovely place to be. Your position is very vulnerable, please get yourself informed about the ways things could go wrong so you can protect yourself and your baby

Once you understand, you can tell him that it's not just about proving your love if he does love you, he may not already be aware of the risks and want to protect you too. If he doesn't, well that is useful information, too.

All the best.

I am not married to my partner, we have a baby on the way and also have children from other relationships but I don't call his my stepchildren, despite them living with us 50/50, as I honestly don't feel like they are. I just call them my partner's children.

I think some of you are getting the wrong idea about my DP, he's not some scumbag who goes flinging his seed about and jumping from one woman to the next. His eldest son was planned, they tried for a long time to conceive him and when he was born DP was ecstatic and did everything to make his new family life work including forgiving his son's mum for cheating on him, and trying to move forward because he wanted his son to have a stable upbringing with both parents around. His now ex ended up leaving him for this man she cheated on him with, and they had been split for several months before he and I got together, as I had mentioned before I had been friends with them for years beforehand, I've known him since I was 11. I don't think his not being bothered about marriage has anything to do with dodging commitment or trying to have the upper hand so that I'd be in the shit if we split up, it's genuinely just a case of misinformation as we have never discussed or looked into marriage properly, it's only been like oh wow what a beautiful wedding blah blah blah.
To those of you who have actually been supportive and helpful, not just making snide remarks, thank you for your advice, I'll definitely look into legalities of marriage.
I am hoping to go back to work soon, as soon as I can get my son to go to sleep with a bottle instead of boob! But that's a whole other issue 😂 thank you so much everyone xx

I haven't been in your situation but you aren't your boyfriends sons step mother - you aren't married and never will be if your boyfriend gets his own way.

It is far too soon, in my opinion, to call him your partner even, bearing in mind though I personally think referring to anyone as your partner is really derogatory so I may be biased. Although of course that is up to you what you call him.

The 'I don't need a piece of paper to prove I love you' line is the oldest in the book excuse for not giving his girlfriend peace of mind. Don't fall for it. Marriage is not about a piece of paper.

You got with him in a few months despite them trying really hard for a family and her being 'in love' with someone else? or leaving for someone else because it wasnt working?

But you were always friendly with both of them and involved in her kids life although now shagging him, you have his other baby and are wanting to be known as her kids stepmum?

If you're telling the truth about his devotion to his ex then you are likely a rebound and it honestly sounds like he is playing 'anything she can do' to make himself feel better.
I'm not seeing him as a scoundrel either but something is really off about this

Nobody seems to have put the kids first in this little 4 way love story, you're all rushing to do what you want without stopping to consider the consequences long term

It sounds like a big old mess with no time to let anything settle, call the child by his name as a pp said, otherwise this looks like you are desperate to be in a secure relationship and that's not the case if a relationship is secure

His eldest son was planned, they tried for a long time to conceive him

Your boyfriend must have been all of, what, 19 when they started planning the first baby?

And you got together when his son was 9 months? By which time he'd already tried to do all he could to make his new family life work? So he clearly wasn't split from the mother for very long.

He's clearly either very impulsive or quite immature. You better watch that.

His eldest son was planned, they tried for a long time

Hes 23...

You've been with him 18 months, so he was 21/22
His son was 9 months so you partner was 20/21 when child was born.
9months previous he was 19/20 when the child was conceived.
If they had been trying for a "long time" at point of conception they'd have barely been adult enough to decide to try for a baby.

Call a spade a spade. Hes 23 year old boy with 2 kids by 2 different mum's.
He doesnt believe in marriage.

What else doesn't he believe in? Condoms? Paying child support? It wouldn't surprise me...

Wow OP! I don't ever post, but felt that I needed to.
You sound like a really together person. I think if you'd not have told everyone your age you would have had a completely different set of answers and I feel sorry for you that this was the case.
Many years ago, I had my DD1 when I was 23 and I felt so judged- reading these messages, I can still feel the judgement.
You haven't asked for marriage opinions, you haven't asked for opinions as to whether or not your DP is a loyal or hardworking person but all have been given.
I think what you call him should be up to you, your DP and as you are on good terms with his mum, maybe ask if she is ok with you calling yourself that.
It sounds like you love him very much and for me, love for a child is worth more than marriage of someone's parent to call yourself a step parent.

OP the reason you are getting this advice is because you are 23.

I have just over 20 years on you and 9 out of the 10 couples I know who got together before they reached their 30s are now separated. (My own DP falls into this category.)

To make it more graphic - some of my friends and close acquaintances who are between 3-5 of years older than me I didn't know their first husbands and I met them when I was 26.

Luckily most of my separated family and friends, if they had children, had their children from their late 20s onwards and both parties worked so the women weren't completely destitution though one nearly was.

You have a son together yet some posters don't think you're valued enough to call your partner's son your step son? Your child has a half brother, you are his mother, of course you're important in that child's life, don't let them tell you otherwise.

I would say step son as long as his mum and dad are happy with it. To me the legal bit is much less important than the practical day to day. If your taking care of him and love him like your own partners son seems a bit removed.

You haven't asked for marriage opinions, you haven't asked for opinions as to whether or not your DP is a loyal or hardworking person but all have been given.
They've been given because the OP is taking on the bulk of the parenting for her partner's child and their joint child. She may or may not return to work and could be very vulnerable.

There are threads after threads on here with women 5 years into a relationship with men who "don't believe in marriage" finding that they are vulnerable having been told 'it makes sense' for them to give up work. The man gets all domestic life sorted for him, the childcare sorted, keeps his career, keeps his earning potential, keeps his pension contributions and the woman loses her earning potential, doesn't have pension contributions and is facing return to work from a much weaker position.

Of course people don't have to be married, but it is very wise to make an informed decision based on the legal and financial arrangements marriage offers. Too often men seem to know enough to decide they don't believe in marriage and women think that because they have a child they don't need a piece of paper. The whole discussion is conveniently around a wedding (eg we would need to save for a big day, we don't need an expensive party to prove welove each other, my friends spent £10k on a wedding and now they're divorced etc) and not marriage because that tends to suit the man who knows he can walk away much easier without marriage. The whole dominant advice to men seems to be that divorce is nasty and women will take you to the cleaners (vs will be appropriately provided for in recognition of the shared life you build together) Nobody thinks their partner is going to he an arse... Until you split and they're an arse.

The OP is young, sounds like a great mum and a lovely person with a good heart. For the sake of some well meaning advice, it's worth pointing the facts out to her so she can make an informed decision and limit her chances of being shafted.

The practical day to day stuff can go horribly, horribly wrong if you have not sorted out your financial and legal arrangements; ending up dependent and financially vulnerable.

It's very important, and people who love each other and can communicate effectively about day to day stuff should be able to have the necessary conversations, and then make suitable arrangements.

dependent and financially vulnerable.

If you stay together, have children and are not married (and your name is not on the deeds or the house/mortgage /rent book), you might be lucky and live to a happy old age. But it would only take a serious or even tragic accident for you to find yourself shut out by his family, who will be his next of kin.

They can decide on medical treatment / inherit and sell the house from under you.

I know that feeling of being young, and in love and never imaging anything can go wrong for you.

Best to have the paperwork in place. The easiest way to do that, if you have children, is to get married. Simple registry office, two witnesses off the street and you are protected for your lifetime and his.

Mumsnet can honestly, I believe, be a force for good if it can pass on information about the impact of having children in women's earning power and independence. I would love everyone to be informed and actively choose, if they want, to not take the protection of marriage. Not just slip into it and only when it is too late realise.

Mumsnet can honestly, I believe, be a force for good if it can pass on information about the impact of having children in women's earning power and independence.
I agree and for all some posters get chippy about it (across various threads), or think the advice is a sign that everyone thinks unmarried partners are lesser / everyone is being a "smug married" / points out how marrying would leave them worse off (because a woman with her own assets is totally the same as a woman who is financially dependent on someone else and is facilitating a man's career), it's actually a good thing that women are being signposted to make informed decisions about their own situation.

In reply to your actual original post.

I do not think being together 18 months would warrant being his step mum. 18 months isn't really that long.

How would the child mum feel about you caller her child a step child ?

I have just over 20 years on you and 9 out of the 10 couples I know who got together before they reached their 30s are now separated. (My own DP falls into this category.)

Most of our group of friends and my family around the same age got together with our husbands/wives in our early twenties and all bar 1 are still happily married as we edge toward 40,( some are already there)

In one of the couples, he had a child already (they had a bit of an age gap (5years) as a couple) and they never labelled her a step parent at all, they all had (and still do) a great relationship. Your age doesn't mean it don't last or you don't know your own mind (I certainly did at 21/22), but there is plenty of time for "step mum", IMO

As you are his dads current girlfriend refer to the boy as your boyfriends son.

Personally I think its fine once the step parent doesn't try to become the mother or father. My son is 20 months and is going to he a big brother on his dads side very soon so similar situation but I wouldn't mind them saying step son once they don't try to get him to call her mama too, then there would be major problems. Once you know the boundaries but also every family and every relationship between the parents, step parents and children are different. I don't see it as a problem once the mother is okay with it.

I agree with most of the pp re your situation and what you call your BFs son should be the least of your concerns.

How financially stable was he at the age of 19/20 to be bringing a child into the world.

I don't know many ppl that age who have an established career or finances to be procreating. An accidental pregnancy is one thing...but they were trying for a long time according to you.

After reading all these posts, I can't believe how condescending some people are.
Just because your friends, parent or even yourselves have had relationships end in a way that isn't perfect doesn't mean you know it will happen to this poster.
My partner and I have been together 5 years. Aren't married. Both have kids from a previous relationship and although I would love to get married, he's not fussed.

Having children from a previous relationship isn't a sin. Not wanting to get married isn't a sin. Having kids young, although difficult, isn't a sin.
For sure it could go wrong. But that doesn't mean it will, and each of your relationships could too.

Have some faith.

Further to my post, everyone giving financial advice based on marriage, she never asked for that.

Keep to the question.

Personally I think 18 months is a bit soon, but if everyone in the dynamic is ok with it then go for it.