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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is it socially acceptable to call him my step son?

58 replies

rlw10 · 17/10/2019 21:47

I have been with my partner for 18 months, when we got together his son was 9 months old. I had met the son a few times before my partner and I got together as we were friends for several years beforehand, so I was quite active in his son's life from the start.
I get along well with my partner's son's mum and I look after him on my own a lot as my partner often works weekends and holidays. We have a son of our own now but I don't treat my partner's son any differently, we within the family refer to him as my step son and me as his step mum but I've have people outside of the family correct me because I'm not married to his father, and I feel silly saying it at my age (21).
I just find it easier to say than "my partners son" and I feel that because of our bond and close relationship we are as much a family as we would be if my partner and I were married, and we're not going to get married because he doesn't see the point in marriage, which I have accepted
So, is it alright for me to call him that or should I forever refer to him as "my partner's son?"
TIA sorry it's long winded 🙈

OP posts:
Mimsnethe · 17/10/2019 21:49

and we're not going to get married because he doesn't see the point in marriage

There’s a shocker.

InkyFingersInkyFace · 17/10/2019 21:53

I've had this. I honestly don't see why people have to minimalise other people who become step-parents but who aren't actually married. They usually do the same thing. I've got a property with my partner, we live together with my kids, they're not his. But not referring to him as their step-dad because we aren't married is rude in my opinion. Calling him my husband wouldn't be correct legally but I can call him my common-law husband. Yes he's their step-dad.

yawnhedehihi · 17/10/2019 21:56

I'd say no as you've only been together a short while.

Mimsnethe · 17/10/2019 21:56

I can call him my common-law husband

Where do you live, @InkyFingersInkyFace? Do you call him that as a nickname? Just because it doesn’t have legal basis at all in most countries. You have no more protection than someone who is not married.

LolaSmiles · 17/10/2019 22:03

You've not been together long enough in my opinion.

I've got friends who have long term partners and they still call the kids "my partner's children". They don't take on a step mum role. He is their parent. Friend cares for them but is not taking on a parenting role

As an aside (and giving annoying unsolicited advice), I'd be wary of a man who gets into a new relationship when he has a 9 month baby, has a baby with his new partner (you), works away leaving his partner doing both lots of childcare but "doesn't believe in marriage". By any chance have you come out of work OP? Probably because "it makes sense with 2 kids as he works away a lot". You may want to take a moment to think about your financial security. Apologies for the unsolicited advice but too many threads on here start from situations like this.

Bluerussian · 17/10/2019 22:04

Call the boy whatever you like as long as he is happy with it. He is your step son, you don't need a certificate to prove that.

Mimsnethe · 17/10/2019 22:05

Anyway, to answer your original question, I’d say no that it’s too early.

Imagine if you split and he moves on to his next girlfriend when your child is 9 months old, would you want another woman calling him her stepson?

fikel · 17/10/2019 22:06

Stick with my partner’s son

Theredjellybean · 17/10/2019 22:08

I am. Not married to my dp, I call. His daughters my step daughters.. And often refer to his two and my two as ' our children'.
There are young adults so maybe different but they say its nice, they refer to each other as sisters and even occasionally call me mum!
It is up to you OP, you clearly care for this little boy and see yourselves as one family so call him whatever you like

ColaFreezePop · 17/10/2019 22:12

He's your child's half-brother and will always be that, so call him [ your child's name] brother or [your child's name] half-brother depending on situation.

And as a PP said sort yourself out so if your partner run's off with someone else you can cope on your own financially and ensure the children can still see each other.

FinallyHere · 17/10/2019 22:21

we're not going to get married because he doesn't see the point in marriage, which I have accepted

What do you know about the impact this might have on your life? How do you share finances? What access do you have to money?

How would you live, if he decided your relationship was over?

I am so sorry.

MyOtherProfile · 17/10/2019 22:23

Maybe just call him by his name? You could explain who that is the first time but then people will know.

BeesKnees4 · 17/10/2019 22:24

Jeezo he didn’t waste anytime! A 9 mths old, new partner, new baby all in 18mths.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 17/10/2019 22:30

Oh dear, you’ve really got yourself into a situation here. I can’t believe in little over two years your boyfriend had a baby with one woman, left her, got with a 19/20 year old, has shifted plenty if not most childcare onto her and had another baby. And he doesn’t believe in marriage... of course he doesn’t.
The least of your concerns is what you call his son.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2019 22:32

Depending on the situation you could call him your partner’s son, your son’s brother, son’s half brother or your step son.

Take the good and kindly put advice you’ve had on here. You’ve both moved incredibly quickly and your set up doesn’t sound especially stable. You owe it to your son to be responsible about this stuff.

PurpleCrowbar · 17/10/2019 23:06

You're terribly young & so is this relationship.

I'd stick with '& this is John's little boy, Jack' or '& this is George's big brother, Jack', tbh.

There's a very good chance that you & dp won't be collecting your pensions together - & yeah, I know that sounds mean, but lots of relationships don't last.

If you & dp split, you wouldn't then be his kid's 'stepmother' in any meaningful sense - but this little boy will always be your ds's brother. I'd focus on that.

MyOtherProfile · 17/10/2019 23:16

BeesKnees the 9 month old is now about 27m old - he was 9m 18m ago when this dad and the OP got together

Original poster
rlw10 · 17/10/2019 23:16

I realise how bad it sounds! Our child was a result of failed contraception and he was not the one who ended his previous relationship, I know all the details as i know that both he and his ex have been honest with me, as like i said I get along with her as well and she has admitted to how things went down between them.
He doesn't see the point in marriage as he says that you don't need a certificate to prove you love someone, I suppose we haven't really spoken about the financial and legal side of marriage.
He too is very young (23), I do handle the majority of the childcare but it's not like he just dumps them on me, I'm happy to do this as he works really hard and very long hours to provide for us all. It's not like he's like "you watch the kids I'm off to the pub", despite his age he is a hard-working family man.
I have no doubts that our relationship is stable, we are very happy together and always have the boys' best interests at heart, but I do understand what you all are saying about the short period of time and that maybe I should leave it a good while before calling him my step son!
I will stick to using his name and "my son's brother" 😄 thank you all for your input, I appreciate it and I know you all mean well x

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 17/10/2019 23:21

He doesn't see the point in marriage as he says that you don't need a certificate to prove you love someone

That is the oldest line in the commitment dodger's playbook. If it's only a bit of paper though he shouldn't mind getting it for you, should he? Besides, it's a hell of a lot more than a bit of paper. It gives you securities and legal rights that you will regret not having if you ever need them.

Original poster
rlw10 · 17/10/2019 23:25

@tootruetobegood I think I need to discuss marriage with him properly! I think we both could use educating on what marriage means legally

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 18/10/2019 05:43

Yes. You don't want to find yourself a single mum on a few years time without the protection marriage gives. That crops up all the time on mn.

Plus, he may feel it's unnecessary but you can do something because it's nice, not just because it's necessary.

lunar1 · 18/10/2019 06:47

Do you work or have qualifications? You absolutely need to be able to support yourself and your child. A marriage certificate makes a massive difference if you are a SAHM. We all think our relationship is stable, until it isn't.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 18/10/2019 07:22

You sound absolutely lovely OP, and far more mature than your years. I do think both of you need to have a good discussion about marriage tho, as you say. At the moment, you’re very vulnerable and while I would normally say there isn’t a rush for a couple at just 21 and 23, you’ve already made the choice to have a baby together. Marriage does offer protection in a legal and financial sense, and it’s not something to just look at as a ‘piece of paper’.

notthemum · 18/10/2019 07:32

What purple crowbar said.
Best wishes.

meditrina · 18/10/2019 07:41

"I suppose we haven't really spoken about the financial and legal side of marriage."

Until you do, make sure you return to work as soon as your maternity leave is up (it'll be about now, won't it - try to avoid using the unpaid part) and work full time. Do nothing which reduces your earnings or future career prospects until you have thoroughly researched this and had those conversations.

Make sure those discussions include death and major illness and loss of capacity, as well,as separation. There are some measures that can be taken, should couple wish, to ensure one is not left in a vulnerable position. But they are readily reversible, and nothing entirely replicates the measures that come with marriage.

Start with this:

www.mumsnet.com/relationships/legal-rights-for-unmarried-couples

I think it's OK to refer to DP's child as a stepson, after a period of cohabitation, and especially once you know this is a relationship between the DC that you know will 'keep' long term irrespective of what their parents do.