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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Very Sad Situation Ex critically ill ..

29 replies

Vivian88 · 08/10/2019 21:36

Just looking for a bit of support if anyone has been through a similar situation.

My partners ex wife is seriously ill in hospital she’s in a coma after an accident. I’m currently looking after his 2 children due to his work commitments as I’m fortunate my work allows me to do school runs so at the moment I’m there main support.

We are hoping & praying she pulls through & gets better so we can get the children back to her. It’s so sad & difficult knowing how to explain everything to my stepchildren.

Also if the situation worsens it will be a big change for everyone how do we explain this to the kids.

Has anyone gone through a similar situation & can offer advice how you explain these situations to young children they are both primary school age?

OP posts:
WolfOfWales · 08/10/2019 21:38

I’m so sorry to hear that. How would you feel about having them live with you if the worst were to happen? Do you have more children too?

Raphael34 · 08/10/2019 21:38

It’s hard to advise without knowing the details. Is she critical but stable and likely to pull through? Any idea how long she’ll be in hospital? How old are the children?

Original poster
Vivian88 · 08/10/2019 21:43

They can live with us in a heartbeat! Our home is their home too. It’s a squeeze at the moment but that is a minor detail with what’s happening now.

Without going into too many details she isn’t in a good way she has a very bad head injury & we have no idea of the outcome.

Kids are 7 & 9. I have a daughter also who’s 4. (They get on really well)

They are coping now as I’m tryin to keep everything normal for them.

OP posts:
muddypuddled · 08/10/2019 21:45

Dependent on the critical care that she is in, they may have books that explain to children about critical illness. I know that mine does so would expect others to too. Young children tend to cope better with situations like this than you'd expect. I have a 6 year old and he understands that at work I help people who are very poorly to breath with machines whilst their bodies get better, usually after bad accidents. He knows that we have to give them special medicine to help them sleep whilst this happens and that unfortunately sometimes they are too poorly and die. He surprises me with questions sometimes when I'm least expecting it but I try to be as honest with him as possible. Hope that helps, from the point of view of an itu nurse. Hope she's ok!

WolfOfWales · 08/10/2019 21:46

You sound like a lovely stepmum. Even if she makes a full recovery, I think it will be a long process and she may require a long period of rehab to get back to her baseline. I guess you can only take it a day at a time but I imagine it will be at least 6 months before they go back to Mum.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 08/10/2019 21:49

Ask their school for support, our primary school was amazing and we really felt like we had wrap around care for the DC

Original poster
Vivian88 · 08/10/2019 21:52

Yeah iv spoken to the school today so they are in the loop. I just feel sick and sad & like crying. I’ve tried to be really positive for the kids. At the moment they are happy as it’s like an adventure staying at daddy’s longer than usual.

I’m fine taking on extra responsibility for them at the moment & I’m tryin to do all I can for partners ex & her family it’s just so hard. Feeling so stressed and sad about what we might have to tell them. I pray it doesn’t come to tht I really do xx

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 08/10/2019 21:59

‘When Mummy is sick’ is a good book if her pulling through is realistic.

Somerville · 08/10/2019 22:21

Staying positive around the children is mentally exhausting. So make sure you accept support for yourself. This is unlikely to be a short-term situation, from what you describe, and so having time and space to process your own emotions is essential. You may also find that you and their dad are so focussed on the children that it’s hard for you to support each other in processing your own emotions, in which case an evening visiting a friend, for example, whose shoulder you can cry on, will help you instead. Flowers

I very much hope their mum pulls through. If the worst happens then there is support out there for bereaved children. A national charity like Winston’s Wish would be a good place to start and they’ll also be able to signpost local organisations.

Teachermaths · 08/10/2019 22:25

Oh gosh this is awful Flowers

My only advice is to be honest with the children but in a child friendly way. If mum isn't going to get better they need to know. They also need to know how poorly she is. Be sad around them if you want to. It means they can too and don't feel the pressure to be happy.

notapizzaeater · 08/10/2019 22:26

Have they been to see mum? Do they know how ill she is?

kateandme · 08/10/2019 22:29

Much love op.im really sorry.

FoodWoes · 08/10/2019 22:32

How sad :(

You must be mentally exhausted. You are doing a wonderful thing supporting the children through this. I really hope you get the best possible outcome.

Original poster
Vivian88 · 08/10/2019 22:34

We’ve tried to be as honest in a child friendly way as possible. It’s hard as she may pull through and be fine so don’t want to worry them for no reason but at the same time like u say if the outcome is goin to be bad we do need to prepare them xx Thank you for all the support xx

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 08/10/2019 22:35

Just wanted to say well done for being a great SM Flowers

Difficultcustomer · 08/10/2019 22:35

Would your DP work allow compassionate leave, or maybe you prefer to hold that back a little (if it is available)?

123bananas · 08/10/2019 22:43

Has your partner spoken to the ITU staff?
There might be specialist resources and family support available to help with explaining to the children. I know in some hospitals that there are special packs with support materials for explaining to children if a parent dies, the staff might have an idea where to get resources and support for explaining that someone is seriously unwell.

Original poster
Vivian88 · 08/10/2019 22:44

Yeah he can get leave but iv said it’s a bit of a waste if we can keep them in school for now as it’s only school runs & few hours after hours which I can do .. & just in case he needs it further along the line .. he’s also not long been in a new job. They are supportive if he does need the time off tho. Xx

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 08/10/2019 22:45

Sounds like they have an excellent step mum to help them through this.

Original poster
Vivian88 · 08/10/2019 22:48

What else can you do in this situation? The kids need someone there. Their mums family need to be with her at the moment. Childcare is the easy part in a way I’m not sat in a hospital not knowing what to expect :( we all sat in my car after school today and screamed to release some tension .. they thought tht was hilarious! My ears are still ringing lol xx

OP posts:
sheshootssheimplores · 08/10/2019 22:49

God what a heart breaking situation. Those poor babies 😣

Clayplease · 08/10/2019 22:55

Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job. Really hope all is ok. 💐

DodgeRainClouds · 08/10/2019 22:55

That made me cry when you said about screaming in the car. You sound like a wonderful step mum.

Original poster
Vivian88 · 08/10/2019 23:00

Lol I’m far from a perfect stepmum I moan & get frustrated like the rest of us! We’ve had many an argument with the ex .. we usually manage to solve things in the end tho.. But this situation Iv never been through anythin like it u have to pull together it’s all u can do. I’m a mum myself I couldn’t wish this on any mother it’s so sad for the kids xx

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 08/10/2019 23:04

Are they close to their maternal grandparents and aunts/uncles.

I know if this was my sister, while my family would be very glad of help with school runs etc we would also want to see the children, even for brief visits.

Could you say to them they are welcome to drop in for a coffee - it’s a small thing but seeing the children might be some welcome relief For the hell they must be going through

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