Problematic stepson

[Mumofmunchkins]

I have been with my partner 5 years now. His son was 3 when we got together he is now 8.
My partner moved in with myself and my children from a previous relationship.
The boys behaviour is completely out of control he has pushed me from the top of the stairs, he hits me, kicks me, spits at me,
He has spat at my brother, he hits and kicks my children, spits at them has smashed up their belongings and stolen from us. He also likes to tell my children the horrible things he and his mum say about me.
He is so rude it is unbelievable, he will walk in to a room where I am alone (I shut myself away with my baby to avoid problems) hell ask where his dad is I'll tell him and hell then do something he knows he shouldn't. The looks he gives are evil and he shows some very odd behaviours and tendencies sexually.
I have begged my partner to have him assed and he wont though now says his mother had him assed,and I cant take anymore.
There are constant problems when he is present and I just dont want him in my home anymore.
I'm really starting to dislike the child he has destroyed my relationship.
I know his mother is behind a lot of it but surely he should know right from wrong now as his sister does and we have no problems with her.

So he should just walk out on the two children we have together??

What do you see as an alternative? You clearly can’t live together and he needs to do whatever it takes to ensure all his children are appropriately cared for. The alternative is to abandon the other two and walk off into the sunset with you? If what you say is true, your children have you at least and are safe and being brought up properly. He should be doing everything possible to make sure that happens for all his children, surely?

What ideally would happen for you? What do you think could work so all the children get the best of their dad?

So he should just walk out on the two children we have together??

Well you don't want his first 2 in your home, and you are apparently not abusive. why are your two more important than his first two? Don't they deserve to live in a safe and stable environment too?

All I can say is, I totally agree: do not have him in your home, even at the expense of your relationship (sorry!) if it comes down to that. You cannot solve this problem.

Agreed. He would never be allowed in my home with his behaviour. Pushing his sister out a window? Hitting, kicking and spitting on you and your kids. Absolutely not a chance in hell.

@Sotiredofthislife @dontdoubtyourself

Running off into the sunset? Why are my two more important?
People like you two should really learn to sit quiet on peoples posts when you have nothing constructive to say! People come here for help, guidance and some times just reassurance that they are doing the right thing and things will be ok!
Here is a little insight for you!
Some people suffer mental health issues and are survivors of domestic abuse and idiotic comments like yours could have serious consequences!

No I dont want him to run off into the sunset with me and forget them!
I expect him to realise how serious his sons behaviours are and get him help!
Help that's much needed!

No his children with me are not more important, I assume your happy to pay the court fees, loss of earnings for all appointments and court dates and this second home and it's running costs? As over the last 5 years its cost us the best part of 20k!

You two wont get another response from me as you obviously have no ability to understand reality. Happy you both live perfect lives!
Goodbye!

All those that have been supportive and offered great advise and reassurance thank you, for the most part of our relationship we are amazing our home is very happy.
It's only on the contact weekend for which I will stand my ground that for the tome being and until the sun has had his help (school informed me yesterday afternoon they now have something in place)
Contact will remain away from my home dad can spend his nights at his parents with his children causing no more disruption to our home life and hopefully some real help will unravel everything and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
I felt so guilty with the decision to remove him from my home but I know it was right to protect us first. And finally people are now listening even if it's the school.

You shouldn’t have given up on getting custody of them. Well, their father shouldn’t have. However long it took. You don’t give up on your kids and leave them knowingly in an abusive situation. How was the boys behaviour before you moved your partner in with your existing children? I’m just wondering if he has always been a total nightmare, why you thought moving in all together and having more children was a good idea for your own children

You make a lot of assumptions about other posters. I have done the court thing, survived domestic violence and suffer with depression.

You want him to get help for his child. How is that going to happen?

It is very ironic you make assumptions about domestic abuse and elude to being a victim to it but youre happy to leave two children in an abusive environment. You know nothing about me, my childhood, my children, sacrifices , safeguarding, mental health, court or ss experience. Just because you don't like what you're hearing doesn't make it any less valid.

He should never have given up on them. They will remember that.

And yes, you have pursued your own happiness to the detriment of children's.

Wonder how long before he's spending too much time away from your home seeing them elsewhere that you decide he needs to keep scaling it back...

I can totally empathise with you, my step son is an absolute nightmare! He hits and bites and nips me and my 2 kids from a previous relationship and has started hitting his new baby brother! I’m am at breaking point! We have him the majority of the time which is also a huge problem in our home as my own kids don’t want to be here anymore! Please if you work out a solution let me know, I feel your pain 100%!

@Familystruggles
It's so hard and trying, my children were the same not wanting to be here and dreading him coming.
I actually spoke to my doctor who said we have done the right thing in contact not taking place at our home. I even started to send my children to their grandparents on contact weekends but it meant they were missing out on their activities and their belongings were still being trashed.
My partner still sees his kids when ever he pleases if they ask for extra time they go to cinema or swimming, he still goes to their football matches etc and it's nice as I get quality time with my children too. They just no longer come here. Would that be an option to you?
we are going to see how his schools counselling helps and review after xmas as it's their xmas with their mum this year.

I hope you can work something out, it's so hard especially watching your own children suffering in their "safe place"

Mumofmumchkins

IMO you have done the absolute right thing to ensure contact continues away from your home and your children. You have fought for 5 years, which is amazing of you (and yes I too know how expensive, emotionally draining and difficult the system is).

There comes a point though, in all of these situations, where you have to put yourself first. You have to be ok for your children to be ok. And it helps no one if the stress and anxiety of this situation pushes you into an unhealthy place. For the posters coming on here and berating this OP for ‘giving up?’. Yes I can imagine that is hard to see.

But you know? Unless people have the sleepless capacity of mother Teresa or the Dali lama, the truth is that at some point, as a human, you have to say enough. This child is coming in and terrorising other children in the home. Children who are healthy and happy. Why should they be exposed to this? Don’t they have rights to be protected too? Or should everyone’s lives be turned upside down over children who (quite frankly) are not the OP’s children.

I ended my relationship of many years a good few months ago. Why? Because my exDP’s EW is high conflict, toxic and causing emotional issues in their children that I want nowhere near my children. His children and their emotional well-being, when that impacts my well-being and emotional health and that of my children? Well, difficult choices have to be made. And I think the OP has done the right thing.

So one child is behaving, no real issues but the other isn’t therefore it’s mum’s fault?

In all fairness I blame my partners ex for a lot of his daughters behaviour and it effects one more than the other 2. Firstly by virtue of being younger but her personality in general is more and more like her mum every year.

I dont even say it as a bad thing. Her mother is perfectly happy and I'm sure she will be too. They're just not attractive personality traits to most healthy adult people.

Unsure how to work this but I hope I’ve replied correctly 🙈 so I work full time, went right back to work after baby as I run my own company and couldn’t afford to take time off with his little you get on statutory maternity pay. My choice being self employed so obviously I need to deal with that, asked mum (who doesn’t work) if she could help out with school run for ss the days we have him when both dad and I work but she won’t do it. She won’t do anything out with her time which is difficult for us to be able to change any contact at all! I would be happy with every weekend so that I could take my kids out without the fear of late nights for school and they wouldn’t need to be abused by ss on school nights. It’s so difficult and I find myself running to stay at my parents with my kids just to escape our own home. It’s so hard but fingers crossed there is a solution out there somewhere as I would hate for our new baby to be without mum and dad together