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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Problematic stepson

38 replies

Mumofmunchkins · 07/10/2019 21:59

I have been with my partner 5 years now. His son was 3 when we got together he is now 8.
My partner moved in with myself and my children from a previous relationship.
The boys behaviour is completely out of control he has pushed me from the top of the stairs, he hits me, kicks me, spits at me,
He has spat at my brother, he hits and kicks my children, spits at them has smashed up their belongings and stolen from us. He also likes to tell my children the horrible things he and his mum say about me.
He is so rude it is unbelievable, he will walk in to a room where I am alone (I shut myself away with my baby to avoid problems) hell ask where his dad is I'll tell him and hell then do something he knows he shouldn't. The looks he gives are evil and he shows some very odd behaviours and tendencies sexually.
I have begged my partner to have him assed and he wont though now says his mother had him assed,and I cant take anymore.
There are constant problems when he is present and I just dont want him in my home anymore.
I'm really starting to dislike the child he has destroyed my relationship.
I know his mother is behind a lot of it but surely he should know right from wrong now as his sister does and we have no problems with her.

OP posts:
Sotiredofthislife · 07/10/2019 22:16

So one child is behaving, no real issues but the other isn’t therefore it’s mum’s fault?

Sounds like there is something else going on. Has your partner spoken to the school?

littleduckeggblue · 07/10/2019 22:22

@Sotiredofthislife eh???

Op I feel for you. What does your partner say? His behaviour needs sorting. It's not safe for your family. Has your partner spoke to the school to see if there are any issues there?

Rachelover60 · 07/10/2019 22:47

It sounds terrible. The boy is obviously very disturbed and needs some professional help. You can't be expected to deal with that as well as looking after your own children. Goodness only knows what the child will do next.

It is a fact that some children are far more troubled by parents not being together than others and it strikes me that he blames you for everything. He's too young to understand any different but in your place, I'd be really frightened. His dad must take charge of the situation and the ex wife should not say anything negative about you in front of the children, whatever she feels - I'm sue she wouldn't want her boy to commit a crime and end up in a secure school! What you have described is chilling.

Sad though it is I suggest you refuse to let him come to your house for the time being, your husband can see him, visit him and take him and the girl out. You and your children have to feel that you are safe in your own home.

( What does being 'assed' mean?)

Sotiredofthislife · 07/10/2019 22:54

Assed = assessed, I assume.

@littleduckeggblue I guess I can’t see the connection. If mum is getting it right with one child, how is she getting it so wrong with the other?

Original poster
Mumofmunchkins · 08/10/2019 03:32

Mum isnt getting it right with the girl she has severe anxiety issues and wets the bed at home and is abused by her mother. What I meant was is we have no issues here with her as she knows it's a safe loving environment. She also doesnt listen to her mothers poison.
Social services and the school have been heavily involved until early this year.
We even fought for custody however his mum is an extreme manipulator and we got through 17 social workers in 2 years as she is impossible to work with.
There are major issues in school with hitting, stealing, barracading himself in class rooms etc.
Theres also massive issues with him at his mother home.
I have for the last 7 weeks refused to have him in my home explaining my children and I should feel safe and comfortable here at all times. I shouldn't feel I have to follow my 2 year olds every move to protect her in her own home. (He pushed his younger sister out the window at his mothers)
Dad has them one week day for dinner and every other weekend (this was dropped from joint as the behaviour got so bad)
This has now caused my relationship to completely fracture.
Though dad knows the behaviour is not acceptable he expects me to look at it as "hes just a kid and his mums screwed him up"
And yes to a degree I accept that, but at what point does my own and my childrens welfare become a priority to anyone?
Yes it's supposed to be assessed however assed seems to be a word I type more frequently 😳

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofmunchkins · 08/10/2019 03:38

I will also add both children were always naughty children long before I come on the scene. Even nursery the parents were regularly spoken to for bad behaviour.
Family have always made that clear to the point they dont really bother or like their children around them.
They have all mentioned how we've turned the girl around.
But something just is not right with the boy.
He puts on a real innocent baby mode when dad is in the room these days and puts on tears hes done nothing wrong and I'm just being horrid.
I cant even bring myself to be alone in a room with him or say two words to him anymore for fear of issues.

OP posts:
lickencivers · 08/10/2019 04:00

OP sounds terrible, and very very drained my. I'll warn you though. You'll be told what did you expect having a relationship with a man who already has children etc 🙄

Any way. What does your dp day? Are you two on the same page or does it cause tension?

DriftingLeaves · 08/10/2019 04:43

He sounds dangerous. You are right not to have him in your home.

Your DH will have to accept that and see him elsewhere.

Original poster
Mumofmunchkins · 08/10/2019 08:54

@lickencivers have a simple answer for narrow minded people like that.
I'd expect the same as when he took on my children. Though my children are not perfect and can be cheeky they are not aggressive and always welcomed him and his children in to our family
I dont expect Angel's but I do expect some respect and understanding of authority in my home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofmunchkins · 08/10/2019 08:58

We are far from the same page these days. Sadly he feels that he needs to be more a friend than a parent as he doesnt see them often anymore and because they have issues with their mum.
Though the boy is golden boy. It's the little girl who gets the brunt of everything

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 08/10/2019 09:05

Oh my goodness. I honestly don’t know how your relationship has survived such an incredibly trying situation. That’s love!
All I can say is, I totally agree: do not have him in your home, even at the expense of your relationship (sorry!) if it comes down to that. You cannot solve this problem. Your love and compassion is wasted here.
Poor child. He is disturbed. I’ve worked with kids like this and unless both (bio particularly) parents are fully on board and fully engaged in committing to helping their child and sourcing as much support as possible, very little changes. And all you can do is protect the other children and maintain a peaceful home, which means excluding him, sadly. But honestly, it’s the right thing to do.
I grew up with a violent brother and at nearly 50, I am still an unresolved mess.

Iamnotagoddess · 08/10/2019 09:47

Why can’t you get custody?

There is no way of everything you have said is true and you and your partner are whiter than white that you wouldn’t be able to gain custody.

Iamnotagoddess · 08/10/2019 09:47

*if

mankyfourthtoe · 08/10/2019 10:10

You sound like you've accepted most of this behaviour
I think you said I'm starting to dislike this child.
Well I'd be so far past this point. I'd have asked them all to move out, none of that is acceptable behaviour.

Original poster
Mumofmunchkins · 08/10/2019 10:12

The reason we didnt was because social care would have then had to have opened a case to the younger child and seen as how both her parents are violent people they would have been left with a messy situation there. Sadly that's how it works when they do not have the resources to deal with so many damaged homes.
16 our of 17 social workers agreed the children would be better in our care but before the section 21 was filed the mother had put in allegations against each one meaning they had to be removed from the case.
The only one she did not put a complaint about was the one who was young and didn't want the paper work!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofmunchkins · 08/10/2019 10:17

@Iamnotagoddess have you ever battled through social services and court hearings for 5 solid years? It is exhausting we had to start to gain access in the first place.
There are no concerns what so ever about any of the children in our care!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofmunchkins · 08/10/2019 10:21

@mankyfourthtoe
I have tried to be understanding to the fact he doesnt have a stable home life with his mother or that maybe he has some sort of condition, but I am beyond fed up now. 😔

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 08/10/2019 10:28

I think you have to put yourself and your children first.

Sicario · 08/10/2019 10:30

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. What a nightmare.

You have to do the best for your own children. His children with the ex have been dealt a very bad hand, but that is not your fault. You must protect your own, and remove them and you from the risk of your stepson.

If you DH will not stand up and take control of the behavioural situation, then you must remove yourself and your children from the problem son. Your DH can continue to see him on his own. It is up to your DH whether he decides to take his son down the path of assessment. This is NOT your responsibility. You have your own responsibilities.

Sometimes men stick their head in the sand, hope somebody else will sort everything out, or hope it just goes away. That's his choice.

I would not have the son in the family home any more.

punnetofgrapes · 08/10/2019 16:49

at what point in the last 5 years did these problems come out?

dontdoubtyourself · 08/10/2019 19:46

If you don't want him at yours and say his mother is abusive, surely the only logical thing is for his dad to move out of yours and get residency? You know, put the kids first and get them out of the abusive situation, get whatever assessments necessary and provide a stable home?

Original poster
Mumofmunchkins · 08/10/2019 20:14

@dontdoubtyourself maybe you should read all above before making snide pointless remarks!
We fought for 5 years only giving up this year! Tge abuse is towards the daughter not son! Sons life is unstable due to the number of men hos mother has coming and going and her need to stalk what ever man is flavour of the week!
So he should just walk out on the two children we have together??

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofmunchkins · 08/10/2019 20:16

@punnetofgrapes there have been issues from day one they have just escalated from braking things and screaming and shouting at people. As hes got older they seem to be more and more aggressive and that's concerning to me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2019 21:02

You need to prioritise your own children and end the relationship or at the very least live apart.

Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 21:27

That is so frightening, Mumofmunchkins. Everyone is telling you to prioritise your own children right now and I hope you do. They need to have a secure and caring home and their elder brother is disrupting that terribly. You've done all you possibly can.

The boy needs intervention from professionals if he is ever going to be better, I feel sorry for the girl too but this situation cannot continue, it's dragging you all down.

Flowers