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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I hate my stepdaughter.

83 replies

Rhootintootinboo · 02/10/2019 01:11

There. I said it. She has been living with us since her mum kicked her out at 14 so 3 years. We used to get on. I’ve done a lot for her in the past but about 12 months in she decided to turn the hatred she was directing at her mum towards me. She is spoilt, selfish and totally entitled. Her dad (my fiancé) spoils her and cannot see any wrong doing. This year alone he has spent Over £10k on holidays and gifts for her. In the meantime I can’t even make reasonable requests for considerate behaviour without receiving anger, vitriol and dirty looks. It is now at boiling point and tonight I ended up calling her a cunt and telling her that she is the problem and that she is reason her mum kicked her out. I know my language is unacceptable. I just don’t know a way out of this. I’m supposed to be getting married in six months and the reality is I just want to leave because of her. She is utterly unbearable and I cannot cope.

OP posts:
CampingItUp · 02/10/2019 07:40

“she is reason her mum kicked her out”
That was an appalling thing to say. Even if it is true you had no right to say it to her.

She had no choice: her home was busted apart by the adults in her life. She had no choice: her Dad made himself happy in a new home with you.

You don’t like the way your DP parents, you have little respect for him as a result, you don’t like the position you are in: you have a choice. Use it.

Fatshedra · 02/10/2019 07:42

I think you should definitely apologise. Doesn't matter whose fault it was. You would be setting a good example.
She will be in your lives forever - it's in your interest to try to mend your relationship with her. She will most likely grow out of her worst behaviour. She has a disinterested DF and a DM who has rejected her. You need to ride out the storm of anger she feels. Counselling for yourself might give you somewhere to vent and ideas on how to cope.
Or leave.
But I would not get married for a year or two, see how things pan out first.

littleduckeggblue · 02/10/2019 07:46

I feel for you OP.
17 years old is not "poor child" this girl is old enough to work, vote, play the lottery, have sex. She is not a "poor child".

Witchydearest · 02/10/2019 07:50

Told you! No one cares why. Just what you said. Why would an otherwise rational woman call a 17 year old SD a cunt. I don’t think she’s proud of herself people. When I met my H I knew he had a D. I get on with all children so I never envisaged a problem. Being a SC myself I thought I was equipped with the reality of Step parenting. I was naive. That’s why it really pisses me off when posters say “ you knew he had children”. This is so unhelpful.

ChickenyChick · 02/10/2019 07:51

It’s a shame you said those things

The problem is with your partner, do you really want to marry a weak and spineless man? Someone who lets you deal with the crap?

That would be my deal breaker

Not the DSD’s behaviour, but the poor parenting by her dad...

EveningLight · 02/10/2019 08:02

It is a shame you lost control like that as the adult but I haven’t been in your situation and have no doubt I’d understand how it happened.
Despite the advice to leave him, one thing I would say is it may get easier given her age as she should be looking to become independent at some Stage. And what feels insurmountable will hopefully improve in a year or two if she is back for holidays rather than full time and if you work on building bridges as I’m sure if you are determined you can work on a better relationship with her

bookwormsforever · 02/10/2019 08:09

Your problem is with your h and the way he 'parents' his dd. He's allowed her to get away with all this over the years, so where's the motivation for her to change?

I wouldn't find him at all attractive if he can't deal with his dd better. Do you still want to marry him? What if you have dc? He'll be the same with them...

Going forward with your dd, sit down with her. Apologise for swearing but say her behaviour has been so bad that you were pushed beyond your limits. Set down ground rules. And consequences. You and your dh need to be on board here.

Or you could just leave...

Bananalanacake · 02/10/2019 08:10

can you afford to move out and live on your own. you can stay in a relationship with him but you don't need to see his dd. his responsibility not yours.

EmptyOrchestra · 02/10/2019 08:20

Her mum kicked her out at 14. Her stepmum hates her. I’m not surprised your partner feels he has to overcompensate. If she’s selfish and materialistic that’s most likely a result of her poor parenting and now she has no home where she feels cared about. I would probably have gone off the rails too in that situation.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/10/2019 08:24

I usually feel bad for the step kid too but she’s 17 and her own mother kicked her out- she’s clearly a nightmare. However direct your anger at her shitty parents

CampingItUp · 02/10/2019 08:27

“Being a SC myself I thought I was equipped with the reality of Step parenting. I was naive”

Exactly. As a SC you did not have the maturity, perception or perspective to see what a SM sees. But you and others are expecting this 17 year old to be the grown up.

I do sympathise with the difficulties of step parenting. I am one. But I know that I am responsible for my choices and how I rise to that responsibility.

CampingItUp · 02/10/2019 08:29

“You and your dh need to be on board here.”

But he isn’t. Which is why it is down to him, not the girl, who is copping the anger and hatred.

KUGA · 02/10/2019 08:47

Move out .
If your future dh can`t see your point the marriage is doomed.SERIOUSLY.

Original poster
Rhootintootinboo · 02/10/2019 09:13

Thank you for all the responses. I do know that losing control hasn’t been my finest hour. I’ve bitten my tongue so long to keep the peace.
To the poster that called me mealy mouthed for suggesting that an excessive level of expenditure meeting her materialistic demands is wrong then please could you contribute? I’ll post the link to a go fund my spoilt teenager collection. I called it out as I think this has been part of the problem. She can behave as badly as she wants and still get whatever she wants.
I think I’m struggling now after three years (I’ve known her 7 and no not an OW) to cut her the slack she did rightly deserve after her mother kicked her out. Mostly because she’s nearly 18 and I suppose I compare it to the level of responsibility and accountability I had at that age. I can’t see her as a child anymore.

OP posts:
CampingItUp · 02/10/2019 09:19

She may we’ll be afraid of her forthcoming adulthood.
She knows what it is like to have her home dissolved around her, she knows what it is like to have her Mum kick her out, maybe she is trying to take control by creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

Plenty of ‘in distress ‘ children and young people do this.

Is she applying to Uni?

Original poster
Rhootintootinboo · 02/10/2019 09:20

Ps. I don’t hate her. I just hate the way our relationship has deteriorated, the atmosphere I live in because of it and her entitled & drama queen like behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhootintootinboo · 02/10/2019 09:22

She’s applying for uni.

OP posts:
ShirleyB50 · 02/10/2019 09:22

@KathrynJ - I might lose my temper and swear but have never called anyone a cunt - really?

FinallyHere · 02/10/2019 09:23

This is absolutely a problem with your Fiancee. You have found yourself a partner who is perfect except for his parenting skills. He is really not the right one for you.

Don't get married. Consider the lost deposits a worthwhile cost for recognising that this is not the time for the two of you.

Enjoy the rest of your life. Living well really is the right way forward.

On a completely separate note, you might want to consider why you use female anatomy as a 'bad word'.

Original poster
Rhootintootinboo · 02/10/2019 09:28

The word is appalling used against anyone or to describe female anatomy. I don’t know why I used it.
We are not a young couple. We won’t be having children together for his poor parenting to be an ongoing issue. But I read threads here where there are still bitternesses and resentments and poor behaviour by even well adult stepchildren and I worry about that.

OP posts:
AdultFishcakes · 02/10/2019 09:34

Tell me, have you:

  • spoken in depth to your fiancée about how you feel about DSD
  • tried to speak calmly with DSD about the relationship between the two of you
  • changes the time you share with DsD, for instance maybe you guys would hang out together and now that’s evaporated?

When the fur is flying between you two where is your fiancée? What is he saying?

This may also be a reaction to you guys getting hitched in 6 months. Whilst I’m sure she’s gotten used to mum and dad being apart, remarrying puts the icing on the “your mum and dad are never ever ever getting back together” cake and she’s kicking against.

Your fiancée is remarkably absent in your posts which makes me wonder if he’s a wet lettuce.

Branleuse · 02/10/2019 09:47

I think you need to cut your losses and run. No legally tying yourself into this situation further if its already shit

ScatteredMama82 · 02/10/2019 09:54

She's a teenager FGS. Her own mother kicked her out at aged 14, and you wonder why she's 'difficult'? If any partner of mine said they hated my child and called them that awful name, the partner would be out on their arse. I hope your Fiance has the balls to tell you where you need to go. Do you have your own children OP?

AdultFishcakes · 02/10/2019 09:56

One thing I forgot to say.

Apologise PROFUSELY for calling her a cunt. Not only do you need to but it may open up lines of communication.

“I’m so sorry for calling you a cunt. No excuse but I felt [x], [y], and [z] and I just lost my temper. I’ve been upset about our relationship for a while as I miss the nice time we had together and I feel you see me as [x] [y] [z].
We were friends once. Can we get there again? Together?”

And strap in for a long ride.

Original poster
Rhootintootinboo · 02/10/2019 10:00

He and I have spoken about it. He claims to be at his wits end with her too. She doesn’t care about the impact of her behaviour unless it is affecting her (like her boyfriend threatening to finish with her after one of her drama queen strops ). She is always falling out with friends and it is always their fault.

I have tried to mend and build bridges in the past but it doesn’t get far. It entails me sitting there and her telling me all the things I do that piss her off. Like ask her to make sure the saucepan handle is not hanging over the edge of the cooker or asking her to keep the noise down because I have a 5.30am train. This is apparently my attempt at parenting and I have no right to do that.

She doesn’t want to spend time with me so that Avenue is closed. She says it changed when we got a dog as I spend my time with him. I do. But why is that a problem for her when she didn’t want to spend time with me anyway. It’s just another way of her excusing her own behaviour and trying to control mine.

Fiancé wasn’t here last night. It kicked off when she came back through the door looking at her phone, no thank you for letting her in or eye contact just staring at her screen. Dogs excited (he always is) and telly got knocked over by said dog. I said that she could have avoided it if she had been concentrating on what was happening around her. I then asked if she would help me lift it up. She told me to fuck off and sort my own fucking mess out.

She hates her mum more than she hates me. She didn’t want them back together.

OP posts:
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