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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How to deal with resentment of adult dsd

46 replies

Ibizafun · 01/10/2019 16:46

Dsd is 21, has a job and lives with her mother who she is close to and has a respectful relationship with. 2.5 years ago she was asking dh for large sums of money for clothes, lashes, days out and anything she could think of. If ever dh said or did anything she didn’t like, she would threaten to cut him off.

In the end she did, and went n/c for 2.5 years. In that time dh tried desperately to re-establish contact, never stopping texting and sending money at birthday and xmas, still paying for phone.

Out of the blue he received an email from her recently, outraged that her (adult) brothers were getting financial help and not her. She told him she wanted a 10 week holiday with a friend. Dh, desperate to have her back in his life sent her a very large sum for this. She went away for less than a week and spent all the remaining money on herself. I have no proof but am sure she never intended to go for 10 weeks. She then came to visit him, staying at a relative.I couldn’t face her after her behaviour and let dh spend a few days with her, during which time he also bought her a car amongst other things. When he asked her the reason she had gone n/c she skirted the issue. Personally, I believe there are jealousy issues and she was punishing him for having any relationship with me and my children.

He is just happy to have her back and although I’m happy for him, I’m concerned that whatever she demands in the future there will always be the threat of cutting him off again, or also if he does anything not to her liking. Having lived for 2.5 years with dh’s depression, nightmares and over eating over the loss of contact, I am just so resentful. I know he is weak but it’s his dd. How do I deal with my resentment as I know he wants to have her stay here next time.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 01/10/2019 16:57

It must be horrendous to see the man you love being treated like shit by his own child. I’d be hugely resentful myself. I you are not funding this nonsense via joint savings or similar - if so, serious words need to be had. His DD is actually an abusive bully, although the poor man obviously doesn’t want to see that ugliness in his own daughter. I’d don’t know what you should do, just thought I’d sympathise Flowers

Original poster
Ibizafun · 01/10/2019 17:02

Thank you so much Yousee for your reply. No it is his money I am not funding it. It has no financial impact on me, but as you say it’s her treatment of him that I resent. In that time he has had cancer and still not a word or phone call. He will not admit to any fault in her.

OP posts:
FieldsOf · 01/10/2019 17:18

In that time he has had cancer and still not a word or phone call
Bloody hell that's horrendous. I would be suggesting he sits down with her as an adult and says he loves her very very much, that it has been lovely having her back in his life, and that he hopes that will continue. From now on though, the requests for money need to stop as I want to know I have a realtionship with my daughter even when I am not paying for her lifestyle.

I don't imagine he will do this btw, just what I would be suggesting. Maybe she knows he's a massive soft touch and will be surprised that he's actually fighting for her if that makes sense.

FWIW, my DSD is 12 and I can see her turning out like this Sad

Novembersbean · 01/10/2019 17:20

I don't think you need to fight your feelings - they are correct and she is treating him terribly. I would be gently honest about your concerns with him, it is very clear it comes from a loving place.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 01/10/2019 17:34

I have been very UN-gentle to him about my feelings; he knows exactly how I feel. The problem is he funds the lifestyles of his other adult dcs so she expects it. I just never want to see her again if I’m honest..

OP posts:
hardyloveit · 01/10/2019 17:37

All of his kids need to grow up and live in the real world! As for the daughter I'd back away. Your husband should too. She sounds like an entitled self centred twat!!
I'd feel the exact same way as you op - I hope your husband sees sense soon

NorthernSpirit · 01/10/2019 18:42

She’s an entitled bully who is manipulating him. What does he actually get out of his relationship with her and it looks like it’s take take take on her part while she gives nothing back.

Personally I would leave the entitled madam to it and let her stand on her own two feet. Remember karma is a wonderful thing.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 01/10/2019 19:13

He lost his dad when he was young and family is everything to him. What does he get? The ‘pleasure’ of having her back in his life.
She didn’t even wait to re-establish the relationship before asking for the cash and car. I would so love to believe in karma.

OP posts:
angell84 · 01/10/2019 22:28

OP are you for your real? She is 21. Were you rude to your parents at that age? Inam sure you were. So how do you expect her to be perfect.

It sounds like you resent any money he spends on her. She is his child.

Grow up

Youseethethingis · 01/10/2019 22:40

@angell84

I’m not sure where OP said she expected perfection? Just a bit of decency from the daughter would be nice at this point.
Being an hour late for dinner with parents and no text to let them know is “rude” at 21.

This is bribery and emotional abuse.
It’s the grasping, selfish, self absorbed 21 year old utter twat at the centre of this shit show who needs to grow up.

angell84 · 01/10/2019 22:42

@youseethehingis the stepdaughter is 21. Most of us are in college at that age. Most of us are rude to our parents at that age.

Shouldn't the stepmother cut the stepdaughter some slack, seeing as she is probably at least 25+ years older than her?

MsTSwift · 01/10/2019 22:44

She’s behaving like a blackmailer. Awful.

Helmlover1 · 01/10/2019 22:45

angell84- are you seriously for real? This ‘person’ has not just been rude to her father, she sounds like an emotionally abusive manipulator who only uses him for money and when her blackmailing fails she simply just cuts contact. It sounds like she doesn’t even care that he’s got cancer FFS, as long as he’s around long enough to fund her lavish lifestyle Hmm

Honestly, OP you could have said your step-daughter was a mass-murdering psychopath and you’d still get stupid posters like angell84 siding with the step kids and calling you a wicked step mother- please ignore her silly post.

sue51 · 01/10/2019 22:46

Is she punishing him for not having her parents together when she was younger? Teenagers can be selfish and entitled but this a whole new level and at 21 she should be over the demanding child phase.

Youseethethingis · 01/10/2019 22:47

@angell84
“Give me thousands of pounds dad, or I will torture you by not seeing or speaking to you for several years again”
That’s not rude. It’s cruel and abusive and wouldn’t be acceptable from a child, never mind a 21 year old ADULT. The relative age of the OP or any other human on the planet does not finish the fact that the SD is behaving horribly towards her father.

Novembersbean · 01/10/2019 22:48

angell84 I was not rude to my parents at 21, no, that is not normal or appropriate. I was an adult. And I would definitely care if they had cancer. Honestly the shit people will normalise on here to never hold their children accountable well beyond childhood is insane.

Youseethethingis · 01/10/2019 22:48

*diminish not finish Grin

Original poster
Ibizafun · 01/10/2019 22:51

Angel.. are YOU for real?? Do you think refusing any contact with your parent including a time they had cancer is “being rude?”Grin I may be a lot older than her but it would make no difference if I was 10, 30 or even 50 years older.. As I stated earlier, the money makes no difference whatsoever to me.. I have more than I need thank you! Angel If you have parents and think this is acceptable behaviour at any age, I somehow feel sorry for them!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ibizafun · 01/10/2019 22:53

Helmlover1- thank you!

OP posts:
angell84 · 01/10/2019 23:03

@ibizafun I cannot believe you. You are the adult in this situation! Jesus christ. She is barely out of her teens.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 01/10/2019 23:05

Sue51 she knows it was her mother that wanted the divorce (doesn’t know about her affair). She accepts and gets on with her stepdad.

I have two children and in the past we went on holidays as a blended family. We were clear about treating them all equally yet this used to enrage sd as I have no idea why but she thought this was unfair. If I had to guess (not justifying her behaviour) I would say she resented him being such a good husband to me and stepdad to my kids. Before she cut him off, dh would take chunks of time off work to spend days taking her wherever she wanted and to discuss whatever she wanted, so no reason for resentment there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ibizafun · 01/10/2019 23:06

Angel84 do you have children? I have no idea but from your posts, I strongly suspect you don’t.

OP posts:
angell84 · 01/10/2019 23:06

@Helmlover1 honestly I cannot believe your post!

What has the stepdaughter done? she has asked her dad for money to go on a holiday. Big whoop de doo.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 01/10/2019 23:09

Angel84 sounds like you can’t believe any of the posts on here...

OP posts:
angell84 · 01/10/2019 23:10

@ibizafun I definitely can't believe what YOU are saying about a young 21 year old woman. It sounds like you are jealous