How to deal with resentment of adult dsd

[Ibizafun]

Dsd is 21, has a job and lives with her mother who she is close to and has a respectful relationship with. 2.5 years ago she was asking dh for large sums of money for clothes, lashes, days out and anything she could think of. If ever dh said or did anything she didn’t like, she would threaten to cut him off.

In the end she did, and went n/c for 2.5 years. In that time dh tried desperately to re-establish contact, never stopping texting and sending money at birthday and xmas, still paying for phone.

Out of the blue he received an email from her recently, outraged that her (adult) brothers were getting financial help and not her. She told him she wanted a 10 week holiday with a friend. Dh, desperate to have her back in his life sent her a very large sum for this. She went away for less than a week and spent all the remaining money on herself. I have no proof but am sure she never intended to go for 10 weeks. She then came to visit him, staying at a relative.I couldn’t face her after her behaviour and let dh spend a few days with her, during which time he also bought her a car amongst other things. When he asked her the reason she had gone n/c she skirted the issue. Personally, I believe there are jealousy issues and she was punishing him for having any relationship with me and my children.

He is just happy to have her back and although I’m happy for him, I’m concerned that whatever she demands in the future there will always be the threat of cutting him off again, or also if he does anything not to her liking. Having lived for 2.5 years with dh’s depression, nightmares and over eating over the loss of contact, I am just so resentful. I know he is weak but it’s his dd. How do I deal with my resentment as I know he wants to have her stay here next time.

[Ibizafun]

Although my problem is first and foremost with her as just because her dad is weak, doesn’t mean she has to treat him so appallingly

[Ibizafun]

Got it in one breakfastpizza.

[breakfastpizza]

@Ibizafun Then your problem is with your DH, not your stepdaughter, right?

[Ibizafun]

My dh has 100% enabled her. It’s not him that’s resentful at all- it’s me. He won’t even admit she’s done anything wrong! It’s sadly an unwritten rule that he gives her money. There’s no way he’s going to risk going n/c again. So a lost cause I guess

[breakfastpizza]

She's like this because your DH enabled her, gave in to her demands.

However, I agree she's an adult now and it's unacceptable behaviour. Instead of being resentful, he needs to be the parent and tell her this. Calmly and clearly draw a line on what is acceptable. She can then either choose to be a part of his life, or let her go her own way until she's matured.

[funinthesun19]

Were you rude to your parents at that age? Inam sure you were. So how do you expect her to be perfect.

There is a difference between being a little bit rude e.g answering back, and emotionally blackmailing your parent in to giving you whatever you want. That should have been nipped in the bud very quickly!

She’s behaving like a spoilt BRAT. And what makes it worse is that she’s an ADULT. So what if she’s barely out of her teens? She has the mental and emotional ability to behave and think like an adult.

It’s got nothing to do with resenting money being spent on her. It’s everything to do with her spoilt, demanding attitude that will get her nowhere in life!

[funinthesun19]

She needs to grow the fuck up and start paying for things herself. I bet her mum is partly behind this.

[MellowBird85]

@FieldsOf

Oh behave @angell84, you know full well she’s behaving like a twat. Bleating “but she’s his child!” as though that absolves her of all her twatty behaviour....

You’re the one who needs to grow up.

[ColaFreezePop]

OP there are some people in life regardless of whether they are siblings, children or a parent who think the whole world should revolve around them so emotionally black mail those in the family who don't agree and make their life hell.

The best thing to do with those people regardless of your relationship with them is to go LC or NC.

Oh and these people don't get better as they get older they tend to find more ways of causing trouble including trying to drag in other relations some of whom will be convinced.

[Ibizafun]

I have butted out. But if she comes to stay I’ll have a hard time pretending it never happened. I’ve posted before (new username here as identifying) about family members taking advantage of dh who is one of the kindest souls. This wasn’t just taking advantage though this was cruelty, leaving dh thinking he must’ve harmed her in some way. I’ve spoken to friends who just say “awful but it’s his daughter..” I just hope one day she does feel bad.

[Fizzypoo]

I sort of see what @angell84 says, lots of 21 year olds can still act like teenagers and be pricks.

I would hope that by the time she is 25 she will feel guilty and remorseful for her behaviour. I wouldn't cut her off and think if the others get funded by your dh she should too. It almost sounds like she has a personality disorder but I don't want to armchair diagnose, she may just be a spoilt brat. If she is just a spoilt brat because of your dh giving her what she wants when she wants your dh created this monster.

[Witchydearest]

Omg nightmare child ( or should I say adult, or should I say child? ) but consensus is she’s a pretty awful human being. @angell84 hilarious, do you really think that or are you winding us up 😆

[LittlefairyMum]

@angell84

You need to give your head a wobble 🙄

OP I can understand your resentment completely.
She sounds like a spoilt, horrible little bitch.

If you're not affected financially, I'd but out ( as hard as this will be )

If money is not an issue, let him spend it.
Hopefully he/ she sees sense sometime soon.

None of us know what's around the corner...
I would be worried about his stress levels if she dropped him again.

[Hecateh]

I have found, on a couple of occasions, the best response is to be the opposite of what you want to say.
The moment you criticise, they become defensive, whereas if you defend the other person's position they sometimes start to see it for themselves. Kind of play devil's advocate.

"Clearly your daughter is suffering - her mum must have treated her badly and she is needy. You really need to make up for what you did by leaving her"

Sort of trying to state, from outside, how they see it.

It sometimes has the same effect as them seeing it written down for themself.

Obviously it doesn't always work

[FieldsOf]

Oh oh I forgot you sound jealous
Classic. Thank you angel!

[Helmlover1]

angell84- funny how you’re literally the only person on here that has interpreted the OP’s post that way, and everyone else just thinks you’re ridiculous.

[Ibizafun]

And where does it say I have not cared about my sd in the past? As others here advise me, I will just look over your ‘contributions’ as of now!

[Ibizafun]

Angel I have two beautiful children, a loving husband, dream home.. just a revolting sd! Far from being jealous I feel blessed. Only sad for my lovely dh having one like her.

[angell84]

@helmlover1 I have been a stepmother in the past, and I was very kind to my stepchild. I always made sure that my partner put his child first. The child is coming from a broken marriage, and needs kindness from the stepmother - not resentment. I was older than my stepchild , so I was the responsible person in that scenario.

I am actually gobsmacked at the OP. No care for her SD whatsoever. It is like she is talking about her with hate

[FieldsOf]

Oh hi @angell84! I was wondering when a trusty MN step parenting viper would pop up!
I see you've furnished us with some cliche gems already, including but not only:
She's a child
And the old classic
You resent any money he spends on her

For your benefit, I've compiled the following old adages to save you the time of trotting them out imminently:

You have no right to tell the parent what do to with their own child
Should have thought about this before you got with a man with kids

And my personal favourite

You knew what you were getting yourself into

No need to thank me xoxoxoxo

[Helmlover1]

angell84- the SDD is a 21 year old woman- a GROWN ADULT, not that age is relevant in any way. If a 14 year old behaved like that it would still be bang out of order.

There’s no point trying to reason with angell84 as she is the type to always side with the step kid no matter what the situation. angell84 are you a bitter ex wife by chance?!

[angell84]

@ibizafun I definitely can't believe what YOU are saying about a young 21 year old woman. It sounds like you are jealous

[Ibizafun]

Angel84 sounds like you can’t believe any of the posts on here...

[angell84]

@Helmlover1 honestly I cannot believe your post!

What has the stepdaughter done? she has asked her dad for money to go on a holiday. Big whoop de doo.

[Ibizafun]

Angel84 do you have children? I have no idea but from your posts, I strongly suspect you don’t.