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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepson not locking up AGAIN

26 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 16:03

Have posted about this before but it's driving me nuts, need to vent. Stepson (18) has in the past left his dad's house unlocked all day, windows open etc. They live with me now and he continues to do the same despite being told again and again. Yesterday I came home to an empty house, bathroom window wide open. Stepson had left it like that and gone out. Tell DH when he comes home and he rolls his eyes and goes 'I'll have a word'. I ask him later what stepson said when he'd had said word and he'd forgotten to text him. So he texts him and just gets 'oh sorry I forgot' - what he always says. So I said ok that's enough now I don't want him left to lock up any more. Husband says 'you can't just decide that, it's my house too.' Technically he's right but he moved in with me quite recently so I do still see it as my house although I probably need to work on that. So am I being unreasonable to not want him being left to lock up? Husband says he will make him call at the point of leaving to make sure that he can check everything is locked but FFS he is 18, why does he need to have his hand held like that?!

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 16/09/2019 17:09

I thought you had agreed with dh he would take his ds when he leaves for work, if this continues?

Is window-gate becoming a focus for general frustration wrt your dh’s parenting? Or was it a full on security risk (ground floor bathroom for example)?

C0untDucku1a · 16/09/2019 17:11

No. It is not ok for an 18
Year old to
Do this.

He stops being the last to leave.

Windydaysuponus · 16/09/2019 17:12

Remove something of value and tell him you have been burgled...
And it won't be replaced as insurance won't cover lack of care..

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 16/09/2019 17:18

The three of you agree a fine each and every time he does it - £100 or whatever is a lot give him but he physically has and can hand over immediately. I bet he won't be fined once.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 16/09/2019 17:18

You know this isn't going to get any better, don't you? You don't just have a stepson problem, you have a DH problem because he won't actually deal with the issue in an appropriate fashion.

ZenNudist · 16/09/2019 17:21

Well if it were your own dc youd stop leaving them to lock up. So that is what you should do. He is 18 but if he wants to be treated like an adult he has to act like one. Your dh is just annoyed as it means he still has to parent.

If it means your dss being up early to leave the house with you then I'd do that to teach him a lesson.

Youre just getting a shitty attitude because its your dss not ds.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/09/2019 17:23

Your husband is an even bigger problem than your step-son. The fact that he can't even manage to pay down the law with his own son and support his wife is pathetic. This doesn't bode well.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 17:28

Upstairs window, but it's round the back of the house near a garage. I'm not comfortable it being left open.

He goes to Uni in less than 2 weeks so it will become a non issue unless he comes home in the hols. Honestly it just goes in one ear and out the other. I hate to think what's gonna happen if he can't leave his uni digs secure, maybe he'll get taught a lesson.

OP posts:

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 16/09/2019 17:30

He goes to Uni in less than 2 weeks so it will become a non issue unless he comes home in the hols.

But OP, the issue itself doesn't go away. Your stepson is never going to stop being part of your life and your DH won't parent him and is showing that he does not give a shit about your feelings or your house and property.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 17:33

I know. He thinks if he makes him call when he's leaving so that he can hand hold him it's ok. I think that's pathetic and he needs to be punished for being crap, which equals him getting up early and leaving with his dad. Husband says what he's more offended by is me making that decision by myself when I should involve him as it's his house as well now.

OP posts:

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 17:48

As a side question, whose house is it? I paid mortgage for 7 years on my own, put a large amount of equity into it (about a third of what it's worth now). When he sold his house we paid off 10% of outstanding mortgage with the proceeds and he's paid half the mortgage for just over a year. I know it's not the real issue here but just interested in views.

OP posts:

PonderingPanda · 16/09/2019 17:56

Who is on the deeds and mortgage?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 17:57

OP posts:

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 16/09/2019 18:20

You need to see a solicitor immediately.

It's not his house and you're not protected.

likeridingabike · 16/09/2019 18:26

If you're married it's a marital asset unless you had some sort of prenup, so on divorce it's 50/50 as a starting point regardless of how much capital either of you put in. Not sure what a solicitor can do at this point.

If you're not married it's your house.

likeridingabike · 16/09/2019 18:27

You're referring to DH not DP so I assume you are married.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 18:32

Yes, we're married. But I only need to see a solicitor if I'm planning on divorcing him - I'm not!

OP posts:

Elieza · 16/09/2019 19:13

My friends wife kept leaving their back door unlocked as their dc (17) kept losing the key (7 keys I think he said the boy lost) and poor little diddums couldn’t be left to wait outside or at a friends house for half an hour on school days until dad got in from his work.

Unsurprisingly their house was broken into and all small easily carried valuables (jewellery, cash, ps3) stolen.

Their insurance has now gone up.

All because the stupid mother couldn’t say no to anything her spoiled son wanted and tried to get round his lack of responsibility over the key by leaving the back door unlocked as he moaned about his lack of access to his own house, boo hoo, poor little soldier.

Re your situation, after he’s been away at uni and comes back if this forgetting to lock up continues I’d be locking the windows and hiding the key and tough luck if he doesn’t like it. Actions have consequences. Should have thought about that before you left the window open.....

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 19:21

I'm taking his key off him when he goes to Uni, he doesn't need it any more! That is scary though, it only takes once for someone to break in. Am putting my foot down. We did agree ages ago that he would leave with his dad on a morning but that's fallen by the wayside in the hols as my daughter has been home too and I trust her to check things (BTW she is checking on her stepbrother who is two years older - she's way more trustworthy than him!) Husband can lump it if he doesn't agree.

OP posts:

PonderingPanda · 16/09/2019 21:13

It's ridiculous. My 12yr old son locks the house up and sets the alarm quite competantly

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 21:20

We don't even set our alarm as it's faulty so he doesn't even have that to worry about! His head is in the clouds. Drives me mental.

OP posts:

PrettyPurse · 17/09/2019 15:51

I'm not surprised. It would me too

NerdyBird · 17/09/2019 16:23

my 11 year old stepdaughter can reliably lock up the house. Shocking that an 18 year old can't. I'd be removing his key and insisting he isn't left to lock up.
Unfortunately as you're married it is your husband's too.

Agree you have a DH prob in the main though.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/09/2019 21:59

Happy to report that I won the battle. SS getting booted out at the crack of dawn in the morning when DH leaves for work. So getting his ass out of bed early is his punishment for being careless!

OP posts:

ColaFreezePop · 19/09/2019 01:25

Good to hear.

Oh and sort out who owns the house and how so you can sort out wills etc. The advice I've got from solicitors and found out the hard way, is sort out these things before you need to.

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