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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I am stepparent to 3 boys and I have my own son

47 replies

Abcdefgh12345 · 15/09/2019 13:50

I struggle with my three step sons
They’re 7,8, and 11 and my son is 11

Their dad (my partner) doesn’t get the whole parenting thing and finds it hard to discipline them.

I struggle as it’s my home and I feel they take over and we don’t have that family feel. (We’ve been together 3 years) living together 2)

Dad is also a big kid (he’s 44)
When he gets annoyed it’s always “I hate my life”

The stress has gave me panic attacks for the last 6 months.
Yesterday his eldest was really rude to me. Told me I need to buy him trainers and not his dad. That I make his dad buy him everything for them etc.

This really hurt me as I have paid for a lot for them. His dad took his phone away and we argued.
I began crying. Then my jaw started tremoring uncontrollably. It wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t control it. My teeth wouldn’t stop clattering.
It scared me. I didn’t know why but it turns out it was due to the stress.

So now I’ve developed panic attacks and jaw tremors.

I’m scared of what is next.

I asked my partner to not go to his pool game tonight (he plays in a team) and to stay home with me.
He said no he has to go. As they need him to play.

He said he will stay for a little bit at home to talk before going to play rather than going out between 7-12am.

Now I feel gutted he’s put pool first.

(Am I bring unreasonable asking)
Anyone else developed jaw tremors through stress?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

joblotbubble · 15/09/2019 14:02

Dad is also a big kid (he’s 44)
When he gets annoyed it’s always “I hate my life”

*The stress has gave me panic attacks for the last 6 months.

So now I’ve developed panic attacks and jaw tremors.*

I’m scared of what is next.

End the relationship. Seriously. It's doing you some awful damage. End it and focus on your DC and getting yourself mentally better.

funinthesun19 · 15/09/2019 14:07

What makes him think you will be buying him and his brothers stuff? If he needs (wants) new trainers that’s their mum and dad’s job!

BlackCatSleeping · 15/09/2019 14:17

Can you move out for a bit? Get a bit of head space and time to yourself? I know that is probably really impractical but maybe just go and stay with family for a break with just your son. This must be tough on him too.

Bouffalant · 15/09/2019 14:17

Do they all live with you full time?

Techway · 15/09/2019 14:17

Where did your dss get the impression you need to buy him stuff? Suspect it is from his parents.

You lived together after only a year and I think that was rushed as it takes at least 2 years to know someone. Did he have a house prior to this? Were you a soft place to fall, an easy setup?

Going to pool I understand as he had a commitment and it wasn't as if you were seriously ill BUT you are unhappy and stressed so you have to listen to that. A relationship is supposed to enhance your life and it sounds as if your partner and step sons drain you and that isn't sustainable long term, it does lead to physical illnesses as you are discovering.

Do you really think a 43 year old man is capable of change? You need to put yourself first, if you are not well or unhappy this will impact your son.

Bouffalant · 15/09/2019 14:17

And is the house in your name?

DriftingLeaves · 15/09/2019 14:22

End this unhealthy relationship for the sake of your sanity.

Rachelover60 · 15/09/2019 14:24

What everyone else has said.

DeeCeeCherry · 15/09/2019 14:29

I began crying. Then my jaw started tremoring uncontrollably. It wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t control it. My teeth wouldn’t stop clattering

Why are you there? Get out - for your own sanity and the wellbeing of your son. No man is worth the ruin of your mental and emotional health. This situation is too much for you. Phone CAB, Womens Aid etc get advice.

Your post made me feel sad. I hope you put yourself and your son first.

PonderingPanda · 15/09/2019 14:30

OP - what you are saying is that this current set up is making you ill.

So you have a choice to make - either find a way to cope with medication, counselling etc or if that doesn't appeal then asking DP to move out to see if you improve.

Going on medication just so you can continue in this relationship to me, seems a really drastic move but only you can decide if DP and his children are worth more then your health and you being a health and fit mother for your own child

TwentyEight12 · 15/09/2019 14:33

Are the children openly and persistently bullying you?

You have given one example of being bullied by one of the sons, is this a normal pattern of behaviour from the children towards you?

Children do bully their parents and other adults. I have been reading about this as I’ve also been bullied by children. It seems outlandish to admit that a child could do that, but the reality is it happens and a lot more than we like to admit.

There are articles online that discuss it and talk about interventions.

I became depressed and anxious from my experience. Like you, I became terrified, so much so that I would leave a room or area if it was just myself and said child alone. Removing myself from them became the safest option.

What happened to me is that I absorbed it all. I bought into it for a while and that’s when the damage occurred. I think you have also bought into it and are suffering similarly.

The children are either patented properly to show respect or you ask your partner and his children to leave.

iloveredwine · 15/09/2019 14:34

Is it your house and he moved in then? if so I would tell him you can't do this any more. you need to protect yourself and if you still want to be in a relationship you can date but not live together.

TwentyEight12 · 15/09/2019 14:34

*parented NOT patented

CarolDanvers · 15/09/2019 14:34

You ask what is next. Well when I was under that kind of stress - not step children but my ex H and two disabled children, I ended up having a nervous breakdown and was barely able to leave the house for around five months. Your body isn't designed to deal with this kind of stress and constant adrenaline release for years at a time. You'll be ill. Get rid of him and you'll find that feel better within days.

Quartz2208 · 15/09/2019 14:35

Yes it’s your partner who is the issue

CarolDanvers · 15/09/2019 14:36

Just to be clear, my children who are both disabled were NOT the problem. My ex husband was. He made it all so much harder than it needed to be in every possible way.

Greyhound22 · 15/09/2019 14:49

You have said it's your home OP? As in you own the house? Ask him to leave. It's not working. It's not your fault - having 3 young children in your house that aren't yours is always going to be stressful - it's not something I would ever enter into.

It's making you ill. It must also be upsetting your own son? It could be just the two of you and you have no obligation to stay in this set up.

stanski · 15/09/2019 15:08

Do they live with you full time (the kids)?
What is their relationship like with your son?

The eldest was out of order. It's not your duty to buy him trainers - it's his parents. You have your own kid to look after.

I'd set some boundaries for Partner and kids and if things don't change I would end it. Not worth the stress.

Original poster

Abcdefgh12345 · 15/09/2019 16:34

It’s my home. I rent it.
My son wants the boys to stay.
I have my son 50/50 with his dad.

I work 13 hour shifts in a stressful job.

I’m the one that cooks
I’m the one that cleans (he hoovers)
I’m the one that irons
I’m the one that makes sure the boys are looked after, teeth brushed, etc.

I try and tell him how I feel and he promises the world but it lasts a day.
Like yesterday after I had a meltdown and had the first episode of jaw tremors.
He cuddled me and promised to relieve some of the stress.

Now I’m back to making sure the house is clean before I go back to work at 6 tomorrow morning. I don’t get home until 8.30 so have to make sure it’s done.

Then in between the housework I try and cook a roast and then they eat. Then he leaves straight away with his kids to take them home then straight to pool for him and dishes and cleaning up again for me.
After that I have a shower and go to bed.

He is currently walking around the house angry because I made a comment about him sitting and watching football as I’m cleaning again.
He has tomorrow off and is working tomorrow night.

He is honestly like a kid.
If I blame him for something he has to come back at me with something else
It’s always tit for tat

OP posts:

CookieDoughKid · 15/09/2019 16:40

You need to get a fucking grip. And get him and his kids to leave. You probably won't like what I'm saying but isn't not good for all of you including his children to witness you in this state. Take back control. Or take his money and buy cleaners, childminders, after-school clubs, food deliveries whatever it takes to ease the burden and if he doesn't pay up then kick him out. You cannot continue like this.

joblotbubble · 15/09/2019 16:57

Read your posts again and again until it sinks in. I stand by my first reply.

Techway · 15/09/2019 17:06

I knew your son wants them to stay. It's very common for boys to want other boys around but if you are not happy it will impact on your relationship with your son eventually.

If you have to do all the work then you will become the grumpy unpleasant mum whilst he is Mr Fun. What lesson is this teaching your son?

If you ended it you could tell your son that he was not treating you fairly and that made you very unhappy. You tried to resolve it as sometimes all relationships have difficulties but your partner was unwilling to compromise. He was treating you badly and you didn't deserve that.
He will be sad but it is better that he is sad now rather than down the line treat you in a similar way.
Could you manage financially without your partner?

Bouffalant · 15/09/2019 17:07

Kick him out.

cookingonwine · 15/09/2019 17:09

I would stop doing everything for his children ... I would also really weigh up the pros and cons of being in the relationship.

ColaFreezePop · 15/09/2019 17:11

Tell him and his sons to leave.

Allow your son to have a few friends - one at a time - around every few weeks for a sleep over.

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