I am stepparent to 3 boys and I have my own son

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I struggle with my three step sons
They’re 7,8, and 11 and my son is 11

Their dad (my partner) doesn’t get the whole parenting thing and finds it hard to discipline them.

I struggle as it’s my home and I feel they take over and we don’t have that family feel. (We’ve been together 3 years) living together 2)

Dad is also a big kid (he’s 44)
When he gets annoyed it’s always “I hate my life”

The stress has gave me panic attacks for the last 6 months.
Yesterday his eldest was really rude to me. Told me I need to buy him trainers and not his dad. That I make his dad buy him everything for them etc.

This really hurt me as I have paid for a lot for them. His dad took his phone away and we argued.
I began crying. Then my jaw started tremoring uncontrollably. It wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t control it. My teeth wouldn’t stop clattering.
It scared me. I didn’t know why but it turns out it was due to the stress.

So now I’ve developed panic attacks and jaw tremors.

I’m scared of what is next.

I asked my partner to not go to his pool game tonight (he plays in a team) and to stay home with me.
He said no he has to go. As they need him to play.

He said he will stay for a little bit at home to talk before going to play rather than going out between 7-12am.

Now I feel gutted he’s put pool first.

(Am I bring unreasonable asking)
Anyone else developed jaw tremors through stress?

So what do you actually get out of the relationship OP?

I'd be ending the relationship if I were you.

I would be ending the relationship.

I would immediately suggest the arrangement in its current form is not working and that the comment from his son must have come from somewhere. I would suggest the children no longer stay and that he move out.

You do everything & he fucks off to poker?!

There’s no way I would be cooking or cleaning up after his kids!!! His kids get fed and he takes them home and you clean up?! No freaking way!!!

Sorry poker = pool

This bloke has moved into your home and uses you as a skivvy and a childminder. Those three boys are going to grow up with the same ideas as their dad and be living in your house for a decade or more, expecting you to skivvy for them. He needs to find another home for him and his kids - if you get on well you can keep on seeing him, but he is destroying your life and health whilst he and his children are living in your home.

He saw you coming, OP. Make sure you see him leave. He doesn't care about you.

Your son will adjust, and your time with him will be your own - stress free and healthy.

You know this whole thing is ridiculous and that he’s never going to change and you have to kick him out. You say your son wants them to stay? Do you want him growing up thinking the dynamic in your house is normal or desirable?

My son messaged him today and I only just found out
He messaged him to stop being horrible to my mum In capital letters

My partner just messaged me and said I need to tell him off for it.

I explained he was sticking up for me and I will never tell any of the children off for sticking up for their parents in that situation and explained kids are still growing up and struggle to understand these situations. It’s our jobs are parents to teach them, guide them and protect them not the other way around.

His response was “ so I’m wrong and your son is right then”
He can just talk to me like that. An 11 year old is right and I am wrong
Let me get this right before I say my next thing”

It’s all just games and point scoring

I think it’s time to end it
He’s not going to be a good step parent to my son and my son comes first

God love your poor son for wading in to stick up for you. It’s hurting him to see you hurting because he loves you. As you say though, it’s not his job to protect you. It’s your job to protect him. And I really think he needs protecting from this whole toxic situation.
What good tides this man bring to your life? Does he make you feel safe/loved/respected/cherished? Does he set a good example for your DS? Is he supportive of your dreams? Does he care about your health and well-being ? Are his children joyful bonuses to your life? Can you see yourself living a contented old age with him? Do you have fun together?
Or are you treated like the useful idiot that is fine to perform maid and ATM functions but god forbid she ever demands respect or basic consideration?

Your son sounds fab.

Your DP sounds entitled, selfish and like he's not adding anything positive to your life.

Give him 2 weeks to be out. Then enjoy your lovely peaceful home with your lad. And buy him some new trainers for sticking up for his mum.

So your son is miserable too. Thought so. Sticking up for you against this ass hat isn’t the job of an 11 YEAR OLD. He’s a child. You’re the adult and you should be protecting him, not exposing him to this dysfunction.

Kick him out. Get your life back.

Think what opportunities you can give your son when you’re no longer bleeding cash on ungrateful children who are someone else’s responsibility. The time you’ll have when you’re not skivvying for a lazy man child. The peace and calm in your home when it’s just the two of you. M

Tomorrow is the start of the rest of your life OP. Embrace it.

He sounds like such a twat in that last message. I think all you can do is tell him you’ve had enough and want him

Out. I’m guessing it won’t be easy, but long-term, you will be so much better off.

Your son is having to tackle a grown man about his terrible behaviour towards you. Just think about that for a moment.

An 11 year old child feeling that he needs to be his mother's protector because his stepfather is so awful she needs protecting.

Pack the man's stuff, put it on the doorstep and change the locks.

Do not put your child through this any more.

Please be your child's protector, don't force him to be yours.

kick them out - this obviously isnt working for you.

no disrespect, but it takes longer than 12 months to "know someone" before you live with them. Dont feel trapped

Why would the kid say you should buy him trainers and not his dad? That makes no sense unless your oh gives you all his income and you manage the budget. Is this the case?

Also it makes no sense of you talking about your home, unless of course you pay the full rent and he doesn't pay everything else. Otherwise, after 2 years together regardless of the name on the contract, it should be both your home.

Re. Helping about, how many shifts do you do? Do you work FT? If so, no way should you do all the housework. If you work PT however, depending on how many hours he does could be reasonable.

Your reaction to things does seem a bit OTT. In any case you are both clearly very unhappy so moving on might indeed be the best solution for all.

Kick them out of Ur house Ur health and Ur sanity is more important

How are you doing today OP?

I really think that your expectations when it comes to quality time, discipline and responsibility are so different that you are nowhere near compatible to navigate a relationship - especially one with a blended family.

You sound lovely and reasonable and deserve a teammate not another kid to look after!

Also I love your DS for sending that message and you're right to defend his right to have done so. He deserves a bloody big hug not a telling off!

OP it’s really hard just to end a relationship even when it’s really bad like this one, but you know in 3 months or 6 months time you’ll wonder why you took so long to do so in the first place. Be strong or fake it if you don’t feel strong. You know you and your son deserve way better than this. Blended families are difficult enough without an arse as your partner. You’re a convenient babysitter and servant to him and them. You don’t owe him or his kids anything, get rid.

Show him the door real quick babe! He ain’t a keeper, sounds a right tw*t.

At least you haven‘t bought a house and don‘t have kids with him and can get out quickly. I bet you‘ll feel profound relief

His response was “ so I’m wrong and your son is right then” He can just talk to me like that. An 11 year old is right and I am wrong. Let me get this right before I say my next thing”

My response would have been a simple "Yes, my son is correct. You can't even be arsed parenting your kids or doing anything for them - it's all left to me. You even expect ME to buy their stuff! I suggest you think on THAT before you say the next thing"

I can't believe you've actually CHOSEN top be in this position OP.
Why on earth move in a 'big kid' who is good for nothing at all?
Why are you paying for stuff for HIS kids?
Why are you doing all the running around after everyone?

He's taking you for a mug and wiping his feet on you - and teaching his kids to do the same.
I'd fet rid of him asap - and stop doing ANYTHING for his kids or him.
In fact, i'd ban him from bringing his kids to your home and he can see them elsewhere until he moves out.

Did you leave him OP? You and your son deserve much better than this.