Anyone been through this?

[Climbmountains911]

I don't know where was the best place to post this but my partner has two children with his ex (never married) and we have a 6 month old daughter together. He sees them twice a week and has them over night over the weekend once a month. He really wants us all to meet up and go on a day date together like take them to soft play so all the kids can meet (I have a six year old from previous relationship ship so a very blended family😂) but she won't allow it as we are "unstable". We are not, we are engaged and happy and during the pregnancy things were not great but partly because I found out she was screen shotting my private social media and putting stuff in his head. She also uses my mental health against me as I have depression and anxiety and I'm not safe to be around the kids 🙄 we have met up and talked (me and her) and everything was civil. We have been to get legal advice and they advised mediation.
My ex is really not happy and he just wants all of us to get a long and for everyone to meet. I can see her point of view but I can also see his, feel like I'm a bit stuck in the middle and was wondering if anyone else has been through anything similar to this?

You can all meet up. The mother can't stop you. Just do it.

I forgot to add we did about a month ago because we had enough but then I felt really bad going behind her back considering we were civil and I didn't want to be "sneaking around"and she gave me a mouthful over text saying she was very upset and disappointed in me. she keeps threatening my partner if he does it again she won't allow him to see the kids 🙄 she's gone to get legal advice herself but hasn't done nothing with it though yet.

She's bluffing. She can't stop him seeing the kids. If it goes to court he'll get access. Tell her to do one.

Do you live together? Where does he have the kids to stay?

😂 oh I will do and we live separately at the moment so he has them at his flat but if we wanted to move in together he'd have to have them at his mums because she wouldn't allow them to stay at ours. I have no issue with it.

Sorry, I am a little confused, can I clarify please:

Who is ‘she’? The mother of your current partner’s children?

Are you also saying that ‘my ex’ - the father of your first daughter - also doesn’t like the idea of ingratiating your daughter with your current partner and his children? Or have I got that wrong?

How does the biological mother of your partner’s children know you have depression and anxiety? Is it because she gained access to comments etc you expressed on social media?

Social media is not private as you have put the information out into the public domain. It only becomes ‘private’ so to speak, if a person has gained access to your account without your knowledge or permission.

Is there any specific reasons you know of which could have lead her to believe that you are unfit to be around these children? I am not suggesting she is correct or not but please be honest. I’m guessing you wrote certain things on your social media accounts that perhaps weren’t your finest moments?

As far as I am aware, unless you have any criminal convictions against you regarding domestic violence and/or domestic abuse, you are legally allowed to be around the children.

But, it sounds like a bit of a grey area so I would take the legal advice you have been given as its customised to your specific situations.

I’m sure I don’t need to say this, but social media is not a good place to air your grievances... as you have found out, people can and do use it against you. Diaries are better in some ways as at least you can tear out pages and burn them should you change your mind 👍🏼

No sorry I meant the ex of my partners daughter. My daughters dad died a few years ago. And what I wrote on those forums were about a different situation and had my name but I didn't think in a million years she'ed go snooping on anything but that's in the past now, and I handled that situation wrong, to be honest we all did but she had no right to do that and that was between me and my partner. Anyway...

Me and his ex partner hung out a few times in college and we were friends on Facebook. I took an overdose in college (2012) and she was there. We wasn't best friends or anything. I've been well since, I don't drink or take drugs, I'm not even on medication because I'm better off it. I have a CPN I see every 2 weeks and that's it. No domestic v or anything. I wouldn't even hurt a fly. Solicitor has said she can't use my mental health against me. She can use what she wants against me but my CPN will back me up so she has said.
She moved her partner in 2 weeks after my ex moved out of hers and he suffers with mental health.

You sound like you’ve been through some ups and downs and come through to the other side... most of us at some point or another will experience some issues with our mental health. I think the stats are 1 in 3, last time I looked. It’s common.

Ok, so she is trying every trick in the book to make life as difficult for her ex as possible. I would love to say that isn’t common but that wouldn’t be true. There are of course examples out there who are living in co-parent and new partner bliss, but for many who come here, that is usually not their story.

I guess she will play the ‘withold the children’ card in this as it seems she has already played some dirty tactics. This will most likely have to go to court in that instance. Has your partner got a court ordered contact order in place with his children already? If so, has that order been breached already?

It's just really sad we just all want to get on but she won't compromise on anything.
There's no court order in place or anything. We went to a solicitor a few weeks ago and she said it's not right that the siblings (our 6 month old and his other children) all can't meet each other as they are siblings and she can't really use my mental health and regarding that she won't let us all meet up she said our best bet was mediation so I think that what's my partner will be doing this week so he has said.

Has your partner pointed out her own partner isn’t the perfect person either? She sounds a complete hypocrite.

How on earth does she know about your mental health?

Ah I see

She knew you when you were you in a very bad place.

She was there when you took an overdose.

I know you are addressing your mental health and in a much better place, but her experience of you is when you were very different.

I actually pointed it out to her that I didn't think it was fair that she moved him in so soon I mean there youngest was 3 months old and my ex said nothing about it at the time as long as he still had access he wasn't bothered (we had this exchange when she texted me about being disappointed in me going behind her back when I met him
With the kids) but she said i had no right to comment about something that happened way before I was on the scene. I just don't think it's fair that there's one rule for one and one rule for another and she is not thinking about the kids in this, if she was she would of done the same as she's telling us to do and she wouldn't spite them from not seeing there dad tbf she never has. They've even now started calling the step dad "daddy", when my partner confronted her about it apparently she wasn't aware though when she FaceTimed them at their dads they kept saying it. My ex won't say anything to her as he's scared to rock the boat, obv he's tried asking her to meet up at soft play we can all go grab a drink and let the kids meet and play but "we're not stable enough".

She can't stop you. When your partner goes to mediation, if she doesn't cooperate then you can ask the mediator to apply for a court order. He'll get access and the judge won't be pleased with her.

I think that will be the next move to be honest.

We have booked in for mediation now he's worried if he's doing the right thing because this might cause her to stop him from seeing the kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yesterday we all met up to try and sort out everything and tho we have sorted some days out where he can bring them over to me every other Sunday but she also wants them to have that time with the dad alone the following Sunday and see how it goes from there which we are more than happy with and glad she's compromised.
But some things do still concern us like she is still using my mental health against me with saying she has been to her solicitor and she has all the screen shots from all the forums I posted on and Facebook from ages ago and she will use that against me as she feels her kids won't be safe around me 🙄

I said to her you have every right to put a court order in if you don't feel I'm safe around your kids if you want to waste your time and money, I have nothing to hide.
She also said if this situation got worse the person it would hit the worst is me, I just thought how? You know nothing about me, my mental health or how I think or feel, I have been through so much and this is nothing.

Last week me and his ex had a stupid cat fight over text as she was constantly using my mental health yet again and I just texted her to say, I really don't appreciate her using my mental health against me but it just got messy and she apparently had the ambulance out for three hours as she had a major panic attack even tho she doesn't suffer with mental health and she said that was the turning point for her.

I understand her worries of the girls having stability and just looking out for her girls, I totally get it but I think it has crossed the line now regarding using my mental health and telling us what to do all the time like we're her slaves lol I have two children who I adore and they are well looked after and I have a load of people that can vouch for that. I am not ashamed of my mental health and yes I've had a few blips in the past but I manage my mental health really well on a daily basis and my kids have never ever been affected by it.

We spoke a bit about Christmas and my partner has said he would either like to spend 23rd/24th or 26th/27th with the kids overnight as he can't do Christmas Day but she's not happy about this and wants them collected at 4pm Christmas Day to Boxing Day otherwise she's going to go to her "solicitors". We also suggested swapping the days on the children's birthday as this year it falls on the day which is the day he sees our daughter so I said why don't we just swap the day so he sees his daughter on her birthday but our daughter doesn't lose out either, her reply, no and that's she's compromised enough and that's that. 🙄 so we've just agreed to what she wants now to keep the peace and I'm really glad my daughter is only 7 months and to young to understand right now.

We have been to a mediation meeting a few weeks ago and the mediator told us as soon as my partner walks out that door with the kids he can do and meet up with anyone he pleases (obv within reasons that are not dangerous) but he has parental rights as soon as he walks out that door. We said about my mental health and when we explained he said there was no reason for my mental health being brought into this. We also said we'd like to take them out places and he said "oh what a terrible idea" 😂 he was really straight talking he said we are within our right to do that.

Honest to gawd I'm not going to lie it's all so very draining.

She is using your mental health state seven years ago when she apparently needed an ambulance called out weeks ago for anxiety? That is very rich.

I know you feel like things are civil but they are not civil if she is blocking you at every turn and insisting he has to spend his time with them in certain ways. Aren't the two of you together? I don't think it's really appropriate to take time away from your family because she thinks it is unfair to share. One on one time is a good thing but as a rule he should be with you and your joint child and his daughter should be integrated into that.

You seem to spend an unusually low amount of time together for a couple that is together and has a child. Is there any reason for that?

Imo you need to block her.
For your mh.
Let dp deal with her. Or a solicitor. But not you.
She is taking up way too much of your head space... Spend your time enjoying your dc instead.
Seriously op.

I know I said well if you want to use my mental health we could quite easily do the same after telling us that snd she said "my boyfriend was with me" which makes no difference if he was or wasn't.

Yes we are together, he works Monday, sees us Tuesday all day and stays over Wednesday until 5 then goes to work. Thursday he's got there second child (as the oldest is at school) from 11 until 6. Friday he spends it with us until 3 and then has work, Saturday he's at work all day and Sunday he's got the two kids. A few weeks ago she was moaning he doesn't see them enough but how can he when he works and there at school and then there's our child to see. I said I'm more than happy for them to be with us but it's on her terms so.

Why can't he do Xmas day?

So he has five days with free time for family a week, he sees you for three and spends two with his other children, but only does one overnight with you? I have to say I think you have already been too accommodating, but then I struggle to imagine having a baby with someone and being happy for them to only help with one night a week. I don't know your reasons for living separately but I wouldn't do it.

In the circumstances, though, he does not have enough free time to dedicate himself solely to his older children when he has three and is in a relationship with you. At the moment he is acting like he is separated from both of you. He should be with his family and include his other daughters in that, it's not appropriate for his ex to dictate that in the slightest.

I wouldn't worry about rocking the boat, she is only "amicable" because absolutely everything is on her terms, and repeatedly using someone's mental health against them is not amicable anyway. I would just do what is right and work towards functioning as a family in which all the kids are involved together.

I mean sometimes he does stay more but depends on work and that. We don't live together because of money and how the Universal credit thing is and have worked out financially it would be better all round to do it next year.
And I completely agree and we have told her this and have said what the mediator has said but she just refers back to what her solicitor says and that she's just looking out for the best interest of her girls. Etc..
I agree completely.

You need to be very careful from a benefit fraud point of view if you have a child with someone you are in a relationship but not living together.

She is bonkers. You need to lock down your life on social media, block her number and remove yourself from the situation. Your partner needs to deal with it. You don’t even live together. Why on Earth is any of this falling in your lap?