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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Good for the shit parts but not the good ones

56 replies

LiptonPeach · 05/09/2019 08:27

Long story short, I've ended up doing a lot of things for my SC that maybe some step parents wouldn't do, including the school run and morning/ after school care as it ended up being impossible for DH and ex to do it and keep their jobs on track.

I work flexibly from home and could nip out to drop off/pick up. I make breakfast and packed lunch for school and look after SC after school until DH/ex get home. I genuinely don't mind doing it.

SC is having their first birthday party soon (they've always just had a sleepover at ours/mum's other years) and apparently DHs ex has said she'd prefer it if I didn't attend because it would make her uncomfortable.

I'm confused because we get on okay, not the best of friends but enough to have a polite conversation at the door kind of thing.

I'm being taken advantage of here aren't I?

It's not necessarily the fact that I desperately want to go to a birthday party. It's more that I feel I'm good enough to use for the shit parts of parenting but unwelcome to share in any of the nicer parts!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MzHz · 05/09/2019 13:25

Sadly you’re going to have to step back from doing the work for your h and his ex, and tell them why.

They will have to pay for childcare like everyone else

Make sure that whatever happens, the new arrangement is for an entire school year.

THEN perhaps it might occur to them that they should be worshipping the very air you breathe for helping them out to such a massive extent.

Ffs, it’s bad enough that h is taking the piss but his ex is going above and beyond in the scope of cheeky fuckery

minipie · 05/09/2019 13:34

I think I’d be saying something like “I’m a bit hurt to be honest, I look after the DCs a lot and would love to come to their party. I know I’m not a parent but I’m not just a childminder either (especially as I don’t get paid!). I had hoped I was seen as part of their family.”

Makes it clear how unfair she is being (and reminds her of the free help) without going nuclear and saying no more childcare

Bibidy · 05/09/2019 13:36

Has your OH said anything about this? I would hope he would defend you in this and say that you will be attending.

His ex is an adult, she needs to suck it up and just be civil.

ZenNudist · 05/09/2019 13:41

Surely your dh will stick up for you and make sure you come when you explain it like this? Very galling. If you are happy to look after the kids Id keep helping but make it clear you are coming to this and other family events.

Branleuse · 05/09/2019 15:48

I wouldnt even want to go now. Id rather just tell them all to fuck off. Absolute users

WitchyMcpooface · 05/09/2019 16:53

Jesus, how rude! Your good enough to pick up after there slack I see! She’s uncomfortable! She’s wants to be growing up. Put your foot down now or this is just the way it will always be.

Pinkybutterfly · 05/09/2019 17:27

What is Ur husband saying about all of this?

Spanglyprincess1 · 05/09/2019 17:44

I agree with pp. A message saying you get it but you provide all before and after school care and are a huge part of their life's. It's appropriate your there and you hope she will reconsider.
That's polite. If she doesn't then another message saying I understand but considering I make you uncomfortable I clearly can't provide childcare on your time as it isn't appropriate. You have a week to make alternative arenagments. Its up to you to if you continue to do it on dh days

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2019 19:56

I wouldn't stop doing the lifts/childcare etc as they help your bond with the SC.

Maybe she should step back and let their mum “bond” with them. Sounds like they spend more time with OP than either of their patents.

I’d be very hurt OP, you have every right to be and this shows you where she thinks you rank so time to review this me current set up which has you painted as a mug. A kind lovely mug but one all the same. You’re either 3 people all mutually respecting the others and working together for the good of the children or you’re not. You thought you were and she disagrees. Shame, but at least you know.

funinthesun19 · 05/09/2019 20:08

I wouldnt even want to go now. Id rather just tell them all to fuck off. Absolute users

Definitely. I wouldn’t be begging to go to this party, and instead I’d just tell them to fuck off and shove it. But I’d include the childcare too and they can fuck off with that as well.
I know that sounds mean and ultimately it will be the children who are affected, but sometimes in stepparenting you have to be a bit tough and not let people walk all over you. It’s not nice to be used and nobody has to put up with that just because they got with a man with a child.

NorthernSpirit · 06/09/2019 11:50

Reminds me of a very sad SM story on here a few months back....

SM had been in DSD’s life for (I think) circa 15 odd years. Done much of the mum / parenting stuff over the years.

DSD’s wedding - SM doesn’t get an invite to the wedding as the mum doesn’t want her (the SM) there.

I can see this escalating into that in the future....

It’s really sad and probably the mums insecurities driving it.

Personally i’d step back and get the parents to parent their own children if that’s how they repay you for all your hard work.

SandyY2K · 06/09/2019 16:23

She doesn't want ppl knowing who you are, so it's easier if you aren't there.

As the message came through your DH, tell him to let her know you that you no longer feel comfortable doing school pick l ups etc on her time and she will have to make alternative arrangements
from now on.

MaximusHeadroom · 06/09/2019 16:31

OP, you DH needs to man the fuck up.

It's a party in a venue which they are both contributing to. Think like wacky warehouse type

So he is jointly hosting and paying for his kids birthday party with his ex and he needs her permission for to bring his wife?

If you go along with this it it sets the dynamic of you being DH's bit on the side forever. Your relationship with DH is valid, your relationship with his kids is valid. She needs to get over herself and he needs to support his wife.

If she digs in her heels I would say that she can host the party with the kids and you and DH can do something else with them. It sucks for the kids but if you start down this road you will be apologising for your very existence forever.

BogglesGoggles · 06/09/2019 16:33

So she lets you do the majority of the hands on parenting but is uncomfortable that you will be at the party? Maybe she is concerned that the children see you as their main mother figure and wants to assert her position? I would just ignore and thank your lucky stars that you have a good reason not to go.

Doyoumind · 06/09/2019 16:41

This is a child's birthday party at a children's venue. The children don't care about at these parties. They are there with their friends. Based on that, why make a big deal of it?

If there are adults at these parties they do their own thing. They sometimes chat to each other. Do you know the other parents who will be there? It may be she's not comfortable with having you in a social setting. If that means she's taking the kids explain to her you're upset.

Doyoumind · 06/09/2019 16:42

*taking the piss. Bloody autocorrect.

spongedog · 06/09/2019 16:42

Was it a direct message from her or via DSC or DH - you have said in OP "apparently". I would make very sure wires arent crossed/misunderstood before giving any of the replies on here.

Doyoumind · 06/09/2019 16:43

*care about adults. Next time I will read before posting.

Bookworm4 · 06/09/2019 16:50

Cheeky cow, she’s comfortable enough dumping her child on you and using you as an unpaid nanny but you’ve not to attend a party for said child. I’d be pointing that out to her, your DP needs to have a word.

Chloemol · 06/09/2019 16:54

Your DH just needs to advise her you are part of the glistens lives and you are coming, if she then chooses not to come it’s up to her

Chloemol · 06/09/2019 16:55

GListens is children,damn autocorrect where did they get that from?

Anuta77 · 06/09/2019 17:51

How did your DH deliver it to you and what is he thinking about this?
I don't expect an exW to be grateful for anything (most wouldn't be), but it's up to your DH to be on your side.
I also would send a sweet message to her (or through DH) that I apologize for making her uncomfortable, so I won't be doing school runs as to avoid misunderstandings. If you're afraid to rock the boat, pretending to be super sweet is the way to go.
Unfortunately, when we don't stand up for ourselves, people are more than happy to step on us...
There was this song I heard the other day on the radio that goes like this (it's a translation from French): I am a generous egoist, if you don't say thank you, I cross you from my list....It opened my eyes LOL

WitchyMcpooface · 06/09/2019 18:05

BMs pull this one all the time. I’m glad so many of us agree that this really does take the you know what!

Loopytiles · 06/09/2019 18:09

As they’re both paying / hosting you should attend despite her feelings.

I too think you’re doing a lot, benefiting the DC, and your H and his ex’s careers. Perhaps your H could remind his ex of this.

Luzina · 06/09/2019 18:12

Whatever care you're providing for your step children is for THEM. Don't stop doing it because of something their mum has done. I think she's definitely wrong to ask you not to attend the party but if i was in your position i would probably just try to rise above it. Yes its annoying and upsetting but worth preserving good relationships with her for their sake

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