Good for the shit parts but not the good ones

[LiptonPeach]

Long story short, I've ended up doing a lot of things for my SC that maybe some step parents wouldn't do, including the school run and morning/ after school care as it ended up being impossible for DH and ex to do it and keep their jobs on track.

I work flexibly from home and could nip out to drop off/pick up. I make breakfast and packed lunch for school and look after SC after school until DH/ex get home. I genuinely don't mind doing it.

SC is having their first birthday party soon (they've always just had a sleepover at ours/mum's other years) and apparently DHs ex has said she'd prefer it if I didn't attend because it would make her uncomfortable.

I'm confused because we get on okay, not the best of friends but enough to have a polite conversation at the door kind of thing.

I'm being taken advantage of here aren't I?

It's not necessarily the fact that I desperately want to go to a birthday party. It's more that I feel I'm good enough to use for the shit parts of parenting but unwelcome to share in any of the nicer parts!

I'd just go tbh. You don't need her permission when your dh is co-hosting.

It's a bare faced cheek! The woman should be bloody bending over backwards to accommodate you. More than anything it must be quite hurtful. What a horror!

@Luzina

What is the mum doing to maintain good relations with the woman who is doing her childcare for her? It's ridiculous to say she should just put up with such horrendous manners. The children would be fine in the childcare their mum would need to organise and pay for if she wasn't being massively helped out by OP.

She's worried that the other mums/dads will think you're SCs mum... that they'll start talking to you on the day more than her.

At these 2 hour parties, the parents don't usually go home...they stay and chat to each other and you're going to be the 3rd parent.

Speaking honestly... I might feel as she does, but I wouldnt say anything and I certainly wouldn't be asking the SM to do any pick ups on my behalf... when it's meant to be my custody time.

I can imagine that if you're a friendly personality, she'll feel a bit insecure about you becoming close to the school mums... when it's her DC.

These feelings are human... but it does feel like you're good enough for the donkey work and not the enjoyable stuff.

I wouldn't go based on her feeling uncomfortable... I'd have no desire to make my presence cause discomfort, but I would withdraw my help on her watch. She can get a childminder. It's good for kids to be used to interacting with different people anyway.... and I wouldn't be used like this.

I don’t know if the party has been and gone yet or if it’s still to come.

If it’s still to come, I do hope you will make the choice to attend.

Do go and wish DSC ‘Happy Birthday’ and to have an amazing party.

Do drop off their birthday gifts and card if that is what everyone else is doing.

Do chit chat with the other parents as no doubt you know some of them already and/or you recognise each other from the school gates.

You don’t have to spend the entire duration at the party if you don’t wish to or if it becomes that uncomfortable. If it does become uncomfortable, just say your goodbyes and leave via the nearest and nicest local pub.

You absolutely don’t have to feel excluded and don’t allow anyone to attempt to make you feel excluded. And please don’t go getting your tiny violin out to play for someone else’s fragile ego.

Do what suits you and feels good for you and right for you.

She obviously trusts you with her child to have you take care of them when with his/her dad. I think this is just her doing it out of spite. Have you spoken to your husband about it? I think If he would defend you in that situation then that'll be different. If he sided with her then it's an issue.