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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU

32 replies

user1488806051 · 03/09/2019 18:29

Hi there, this is my first thread but am feeling increasingly unhappy and wanted to vent and see if I am being completely out of order.
Anyway, my husband and I have been married for 8 years the last five he has been studying for a degree. We have a baby together and he has two children from a previous relationship and I have a daughter, all of them live with us. Whilst he was doing his degree he was away for 13 or so hours a day as lots of travelling was involved. Over the years I have slowly decreased the hours I work from full time to part time as it’s hard to juggle everything. Now my husband has started his first job and again he is away for long hours getting home around 7.30 pm. I really want to be supportive and for him to be successful in his new career but I get a bit sad of always being the one at home on my own and making the sacrifice. I really had hoped that this year would be different.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2019 18:33

Have you talked to him about this? Is he aware how stressed you are?

TwentyEight12 · 03/09/2019 20:11

Is it possible for you to move closer to his employment so that there is less of a commute and more time to see each other?

Original poster
user1488806051 · 03/09/2019 20:41

Yes he knows I get upset and says that he will give it all up if it will make me happy but that’s not really an option and I would never make him do it. He actually hasn't gone to any of the social events so that he can be with us. He is very supportive I guess it’s just me that’s stuck in a rut, trying to be good and encouraging but resenting it really.
No we can’t really move as all the children are at school here and one is in gcse year :/

OP posts:
swingofthings · 04/09/2019 08:38

Was he working when doing his degree? Otherwise why so much travelling?

Does he have a totally different job now and earning more? Surely the priority is to support the family and if you reduced your hours, he might not have a choice. He however needs to look for a job closer to home. He can't expect you to look after his girls FT. Is there no mother?

Original poster
user1488806051 · 04/09/2019 10:52

No he wasn’t working, his degree was full time but the uni is about 1.5 hours drive away. Train times meant he would leave about 6 am and be home about 7.30, sometimes later if the train was late. He is on a training year at the moment so was given his place miles away and the uni won’t change it. It’s only a year placement, but I’m not sure I can make it through another year.
Girls rarely see their mum, so with us full time.

OP posts:
TwentyEight12 · 04/09/2019 12:01

He has got very far with this and the end is in sight now, once this year is up he’ll be able to work nearer and these issues will not be so huge.

I assume he has done this to better himself so that all of you can have a better quality of life?

I would hold on because it’s not long now, otherwise the last 5-6 years will have been for nothing. I think it’s a case of short-term sacrifice versus long term gains here.

If you are stuck in a rut as you say, what can you do to change things for yourself personally? Perhaps your focus should be on making your everyday life nicer for yourself? Can you go to the gym or exercise classes or any sort of social meet-ups? Is it possible you could start studying yourself at home too so that you feel you are progressing with your future and the emphasis isn’t solely on his career?

TwentyEight12 · 04/09/2019 12:11

Also, if it’s a case of loneliness getting to you, did you know that charities, some councils and other organisations have set up befriending schemes between elderly people and the younger generations where they match you with people in your area to befriend. Age UK is one such charity doing this. It is part of the Jo Cox Loneliness campaign/commission. Just an idea.

swingofthings · 04/09/2019 12:44

Is he training to be a doctor? 5 year full time + placement would indicate this. If so, you must have had a serious discussion about it.

It's a tough one, a lot of responsibilities on your shoulders for him to pursue his dream although one expected to benefit all soon.

A88ie1 · 04/09/2019 16:51

Just refuse to be the baby sitter and that they don't come round on days he works late. Don't let him take advantage

Original poster
user1488806051 · 04/09/2019 16:54

Yes he is :) I knew it would be a slog but so hoped this year would be easier. I have a career in my own right and been through uni but currently just work 2 days as it’s so hard trying to be a dedicated parent and further my career on my own. I don’t get any time to myself really.
Thanks for all the advice, just having a dark few days, I know it will be worth it in the long run. X

OP posts:
readitandwept · 04/09/2019 18:37

@A88ie1 they LIVE there.

MrsDimmond · 05/09/2019 06:49

YANBU to find your situation difficult but I'm baffled as to why you are surprised.

Why did you think this year would be different? Your DH is now a junior doctor, a role which is notorious for being long hours and low pay.

it's a job that has very little flexibility which you must both have known way back when your dh started training. But it's a vital stage in the profession.

I don't think I could ever have agreed to the whole thing when your family already had 3 children but you must have agreed to it. And then decided to have another baby.

If you worked full time could you afford an au pair or nanny? Because the only way both you and your dh can pursue your careers is by having adequate childcare.

WhiteCat1704 · 05/09/2019 07:03

Your DH has 3 children and left you to deal with it on your own at a cost of your career. Im not suprised you are tired and fed up.
He should be doing more taking over 50% of responsibility career or not.

The 2 step children you take care of full time should not be your responsibility.

Sunflowers211 · 05/09/2019 07:11

When he is a House Officer his hours will be very anti social, how will you feel then?

Original poster
user1488806051 · 05/09/2019 10:36

Well to be honest our situation was different when he started. It was me and my daughter, I choose to have a baby, yes, his children moved in half way through his course. I would never have agreed if that was our situation at the start. But by then he was half way through.

OP posts:
MrsDimmond · 05/09/2019 12:15

What were the circumstances of your sdc moving in?

WitchyMcpooface · 05/09/2019 16:55

Suck it up it isn’t that bad. I did for 13 years! I’ve just managed to get back to work this year and I mean the job I actually studied and trained for.

SandyY2K · 06/09/2019 19:02

YANBU. ...but I'm not sure how you didnt envisage it would have such an impact when you agreed to have them half way through his course.

If you weren't around where would the kids have gone?

You've gone from mother of 1 to 4 in a short space of time and 2 of the kids aren't yours.

Would childcare/aupair be an option, so you can get a break and increase your hours....because the long and short of this, is his children have impacted on your career.

Firefliess · 07/09/2019 13:43

Sounds tough. I have older DSC who have ended up living with us more than initially expected and I think it's just inevitable really that if you're caring for your own kids you end up caring for them too. You can't start saying "your kids, you cook them dinner" whilst cooking for your own can you?

Can you try to look at what's making your unhappy though and change things to make it better? Can you go out more with friends at the weekend (and leave the DSC to have time with their dad)? Take up a new hobby? Now that your DP is earning could you pay for more childcare or a cleaner at home so you have more time for other things? Could the DSC's mum or another relative have them for the odd weekend or a few days in the holidays?

lynzpynz · 09/11/2019 10:48

My OH was v reluctant to ask his work if he could reduce his hrs or work condensed hrs, took me a long time to push him to at least ask. It worked he is now working tue-Fri (o/t when he can), and I work Mon-thur. We both get time with kids, both work equal hrs and seems to be working. Obvs won't happen for everyone but it's been big help for us. He might have more options than just 'giving it all up'.

onthecoins · 09/11/2019 11:06

Where is their mother?

Hooferdoofer37 · 10/11/2019 11:53

Your poor DSC, it sounds like they barely see either of their parents & you are left to pick up the pieces.

Why on earth did he take up such a demanding course & job when he had DC to support, both emotionally & financially?

It seems he's putting his career desires ahead of you & his DC.

What would he say if you decided to do a 5 year course that took you out of the house from 7am to 8pm and he had to give up his career aspirations to look after his (& your DC)?

It sounds like he's a very absent parent & partner; what would he do of you weren't there?

Lots of questions but no answers I'm afraid, just k ow that you are being treated as a nanny & housemaid whilst he fulfills his dreams and that is not fair to you or the DC.

justchecking1 · 12/11/2019 19:03

If he's now a junior doctor this isn't going to get better any time soon. He'll be doing long days, nights, and weekends for the foreseeable future, as well as more exams requiring a lot of study. He'll also have very little say in where he works and will have to move jobs every 4-6 months so there'll be no point moving nearer his work.

Decent childcare really is the only way forward here if you need more time to do things or you want to increase your hours. Many couples with one partner as a junior doctor have the other partner part time for this reason. It's crap

(DOI: Doctor)

Durgasarrow · 13/11/2019 14:46

This is normal for doctors. And you married a man with four kids, so those kids are your responsibility, too. A reality you have been living with honor--good for you. I don't think he's being self-indulgent, he's doing the best he can. You just have to do what you can do to make life better than you under the circumstances. If you want to work full-time, get a good baby-sitter.

Miketv3 · 14/11/2019 14:12

She didn’t marry a man with 4 kids. He had 2. They have four between them now.

Hard work but that is always going to be the case with that career and with 4 kids