AIBU

[user1488806051]

Hi there, this is my first thread but am feeling increasingly unhappy and wanted to vent and see if I am being completely out of order.
Anyway, my husband and I have been married for 8 years the last five he has been studying for a degree. We have a baby together and he has two children from a previous relationship and I have a daughter, all of them live with us. Whilst he was doing his degree he was away for 13 or so hours a day as lots of travelling was involved. Over the years I have slowly decreased the hours I work from full time to part time as it’s hard to juggle everything. Now my husband has started his first job and again he is away for long hours getting home around 7.30 pm. I really want to be supportive and for him to be successful in his new career but I get a bit sad of always being the one at home on my own and making the sacrifice. I really had hoped that this year would be different.

OP- I am a doctor and I am in charge of our Foundation doctors.

Firstly, he has been taking the piss with regards studying. Medicine is hard work, but there is plenty of free time ( for studying) during any university timetable in medicine for him to be more flexible and at home. Not all lectures start at 0800 - in fact very few do! Very few clinical attachments start at 0800 ( bar surgery) and can not remember the last time I saw a med student turn up to my list - anaesthetist before 0930!!

FY1 is hard - first time job and work, but again, the shift patterns are fairly regulated, early starts some day, late finishes on others so it is variable. If you can wear this year, the from FY2 he can request flexible working.

It extends over all training a little but not horrendously and allows a work life balance to be achieved. There are plenty of docs on flexible working agreements. He will still end up with his share of shit shifts and good shifts but a predictable working pattern canbe achieved.

Honestly, if the surgeons can do it- we have 4 flexible surgical trainees that I know about inmy dept, then any dept can do it.

He needs to start re engaging with his family. What is his speciality of choice - some are more family friendly than others.

How come you are raising another women’s children
That can’t be right... is their mother not involved at all in their upbringing

It seems like you’ve had a lot dumped on your shoulders... fair enough if dad was raising his kids but he doesn’t seem to have much involvement

If mum is around and capable of looking after her own children I’d be suggesting she has then while you have a break

Did you read the full thread durg

My daughter lives in a house paid for by me with her partner. Not for the 1st time today I went around to find them argueing and fighting and the house a complete mess. Aibu to sell the house and my daughter can come home and he can go back to his mum? They are 21 and 20 years old.

Start your own thread @Kagga

This is totally normal for doctors. It is only when you get to Consultant level that things ease off a bit, and even then if you want to earn a lot of money it is still long hours.

In fact, most professions have long working hours- accountants and lawyers at this stage of the career if you are working at a big firm are very pressured too. Banking is similar!

It is a sad fact- this is the paradigm of a 'career' in the western world and it is very hard to combine with family life. It was set up to cater for men who had a woman at home! Although it is changing slowly in response to diversity and inclusion policies on the ground nothing really changes sadly.

As he moves through the ranks he will earn lots more money and maybe sometime soon you could get some paid help with childcare. You will have to move if he can't get a permanent job close to home next year.

It sounds very hard for you, also for him as the travelling on top of the training sounds brutal.