don't agree with his parenting

[tinkerbella85]

hi, so i've been with my partner 6 years he's a full time dad to a 10 year old boy and we all live together, lets just say the child hasn't had the best relationship with his mother and only stays at hers on weekends. for the past couple of months i've been arguing with my partner about the boys discipline, ive had to push to get him to do his homework and school reading, he spends the majority of his spare time on the xbox allowing him to be up late/early on it- ive known him sit 12 hours straight on the thing and literally having to force him to come off to eat and drink, also with the holidays he's been letting him stay up until midnight on it then i have to deal with his grumpy attitude all day cos hes tired, i understand its holidays but really hes 10! try and take him out on nice days and all i get is attitude, don't want to, too tired. struggling to get him to get baths and brush his teeth. i've tried talking to my partner about all this but all i get is he's my child i'm the parent, its down to me. like im not allowed to have an opinion on these things im just here to cook his meals and wash his clothes and tidy his bedroom, all we seem to do is fight about this and its really dragging our relationship down and i dont know what to do, am i the one out of order in this?

He’s told you how he sees it. He’s the parent. Your opinion is worthless to him. You either accept that or it’s time to move on.

You could try to prove the point by not doing any parenting roles anymore - homework, laundry, cooking etc and see how long it takes your partner to get the message. Or you could walk away with your dignity in place and find someone who wants to be in a partnership with you.

No, you’re not out of order. If he’s pulling the “I’m the parent, it’s down to me” card then let him do the cooking and cleaning for his kid. If you’re opinion isn’t taken seriously then why put yourself out.

A ten year old should be tidying his own room anyway. He has him full time so can’t even blame his useless parenting on being the usual EOW Disney dad. Sounds incredibly frustrating.

It’s hard to get the balance right as an SM in terms of how involved to be. Our partners need to understand that its all trial and error and working as a team. Maybe if he understands that you bringing up the issues come from concern about his son and not just being critical of him / his parenting he may be more likely to listen (I’m still working on this myself, even when I have to fake the concern a bit to get my point across!!) .

Your partner’s current parenting style sounds neglectful - he’s basically letting the Xbox babysit his son. As this child lives under your roof, you bloody well are entitled to have a say on rules / behaviour. But as @Gruzinkerbell1 said, he’s made it quite clear to you how much importance he places on your feelings. Are you prepared to accept this for the next 10+ years? I’d insist on a serious make or break conversation with pen and paper to thrash out boundaries and house rules. If he refuses, you have to make your choice as to whether you’re happy to continue with the status quo.

I’m not sure I could be in a relationship with someone who thinks it’s ok for their child not to wash/eat/brush their teeth.

He sounds like an arse telling you your opinion doesn’t matter but leaving you to do all the drudge work.

You could try stopping doing all that stuff as another poster suggested. See if he does step up.

Having a mum who’s not bothered plus a dad who doesn’t want to parent him is shit luck for the boy.

You don’t have to stay around and be treated badly or to watch your partner treat his kid badly OP.

That’s really not right. That’s very irresponsible parenting. You have every right to keep bringing this up. I would show him these posts! He’s ten! That boys education is suffering.

Let me get this right.... you have to push for homework to be done, he spends hours on his X box abe stays up late, while you deal with his grumpiness the following day?

In the meanwhile, you wash, cook and clean for him, but are basically told to but your nose out of things concerning his wellbeing?

Can't you see he doesn't value your opinion and you're being used as an unpaid skivvy and childcare?

Men like this, use women like you to look after their kids. Then when the child is old enough, after you've formed an attachment or bond with them, you become surplus to requirements, having outlived your usefulness and are kicked to the kerb.

How would he manage having his child fulltime if you weren't around?

The poor boy obviously has 2 parents who aren't good enough.

Get yourself out of the relationship and stop being used by this man.

I'd just drop the parenting stuff for the kid if you're not allowed input. You're not his slave and they treat you like one. Go out with your friends in the evening, or pick up a class or some studies. Wash your own clothes, etc. Go on strike, basically. I feel sorry for the poor kid but his dad needs a wake up call.

whenever i try and invoke any authority ie bedtimes, limiting xbox, not doing something he will undermine me and cut me off and say no i don’t think so i make the rules, and ive threatened many times that if thats the way he views our relationship then i will stop doing all the other things i do for ‘his’ child that aren’t my job to do and to get his ‘real mother’ to do them, but my threats are empty as i STILL find myself doing them. it’ll be 10 mins past his bed time and ill still have to point out the time to my partner and remind him that he should have brushed his teeth and gotten in bed by now, and all i get is - yes i know i don’t need telling, yet we have this routine most nights. the boy will come home from school and look to me and ask what he’s having for tea, the day before homework deadline and i’m the one saying come on mate lets get this done, and my partner will say things to me like so when are ‘we’ going shopping for uniforms, what are ‘we’ getting him for his birthday.
we’ve had an argument today because of how late he allows him to stay up, he was literally falling asleep at the dinner table this afternoon and i suggested that if he was that tired then he should be going to bed earlier and getting a good nights rest ready to be back to school in the morning but yet when it got around to his normal bed time my partner made no attempt at putting him to bed and just left him playing on his xbox, ive even tried suggesting allowing him to stay up later if its doing something like reading or light tv but still i get the brush off. i questioned my partner over where my position is in the relationship as a partnership, as a team, as a family, me him and his child and he says he cuts me off because he doesn’t agree with me-
is it so unacceptable for me to think that a 10 year old boy should know to wash and brush his teeth EVERY day, to pick things up after himself, do his homework on time, to have a reasonable bed time and to play outside every once in a while or do something other than stare at a computer screen all day!
i dread getting to the teenage years when he’ll turn round and say to me ‘you cant tell me what to do your not my mother’ because my partners placed me in a position where i have no authority, even though its me that put all the time and effort into helping raise him.

You've been together for some time now, I feel that you are an important part of the child's life and should have a say !
I kind of feel like letting him stay on it is lazy, if he's acting out when he's not on it then surely his time should be limited on it before he turns into a zombie.
Hope you can find a way of sorting it.

Hard situation...maybe tell him hes the parent when the boy's clothes need to be washed? N when he needs to eat and do homework?

Stop being a martyr @tinkerbella85

You said yourself you make empty threats, now is time to carry it out.

I've got a 13 year old who spends most of his time on his computer online with his friends and what I'd call an unhealthy amount and struggle with this. It's what he loves and I like letting him do what he loves but it's hard not to for me as he's always respectful, does his homework when he gets in unless he has something with his friends first but always does it as soon as he's done that but does like a quiet sulk if he's forced to come off. It's hard with computer boys but it sounds like his dad is just being lazy. Worse than that though is his undermining of you around his son. If he wants to make the rules and consider no one else then off he pops to live on his own if you ask me. He'll probably come crawling back begging for you to give him a chance with your routine. Either way though you're never gonna be able to raise a kid the right way being constantly undermined with rules and punishments, even more so when it's a step child situation. Do yourself a favour and get single it's gotta be better than this

You need to write your second post on paper and show your partner op.

Sounds like an awful situation

Whose house is it OP? If it’s yours, I’d get rid. Was in a similar situation myself a few years ago and it doesn’t get better. If you won together, I’d separate and sell.

I’d reply to your P that ‘we’ are from now on doing the sum total of fuck all. He’s the parent, he can deal with all aspects of parenting then.

see thats the thing the time spent on his xbox wouldn't bother me so much if he did all that stuff but he doesn't, last weekend we had friends and family over for a bbq and it was beautiful outside and he just literally sat in his bedroom all day, whenever i mentioned it to my partner he would roll his eyes at me and say get off his case. his friends come over to play and hel basically just say to them well im playing on fortnite you can sit and watch or do something on ure own. and the excuses he gives for not washing, brushing teeth, eating breakfast, homework not done is ‘i didn't have time’ when all he's done is sit on his xbox all day, seriously you can spare 5 mins off it to change ure pants and brush your teeth, but i cant say these things because my partner says i just nag at him when theres no need to be on his case all the time, that i should remember he’s a child, i feel like screaming in his face and saying EXACTLY he’s a child that needs proper parenting and a routine and discipline!

Why are you cooking and washing if your partner's a stay at home dad? I'd seriously reconsider this relationship, neither of them seem to have much respect for you. The teenage years will be horrific if this carries on.

This is adding stress to your life and your partner has no appreciation for that and has repeatedly been rude to you about it. If you want to stay with him, you are not respecting yourself if you do anything less than step completely back, don't give your partner general nudges, don't even mention things you feel your SS needs to have done unless your partner mentions it first. This is what he says he wants, so that is what he should have.

Of course that means if he doesn't step up you will be living with a kid who is being raised in an environment where his needs are being neglected by his parents choice, so if you don't feel like you could watch that and not step in, then you should leave. Your partner really doesn't sound like a catch, and it's not your responsibility to martyr yourself to give someone else's child a better upbringing when their father consistently fights against it.

This man does not respect you at all, and he's teaching his son not to respect you (or other women come to that), so the teenage years will be a nightmare. This boy is going to grow up very poorly equipped to deal with secondary school, exams, working life, relationships etc if this is how he allowed to behave. If I was you I'd get out now because you're just the paid skivvy/childminder.

I'm not sure about your partner I'm not in that position but your stepson is just been a typical 10 year old lad if you push him he will do it more to annoys you - my son is nearly 12 I the holidays I let him stay up till 2am and he normally wakes around 10ish if were not doing much he loves it it's a typical teen thing - boys are just to lazy to do much than xbox evan getting my son to eat and shower can be a nightmare lol but it can be puberty that makes them smelly and lazy so hes not the only one you just have to deal with it but also you fella should take abit of responsabilty but if hes not willing then either you keep doing it alone or leave - your stepson will grow out of it eventually it's just normal tween boy behaviour

I’d let it go. As in, i’d just stop doing all the parenting you are doing. I would say to your partner that as he is the parent and that he insists on undermining your input, care, kindness and energy, you agree with him that you should step back and allow him to take 100% control and responsibility as a parent for his child.

I’d start looking for somewhere else to live too and start putting some wheels in motion as to setting up a new life for yourself, perhaps join some dating websites or just start going out more. There are single Dads out there who would really appreciate you helping them to bring up their child/children in a healthy and stable dynamic. It’s just that, he’s not one of them.

ive threatened many times that if thats the way he views our relationship then i will stop doing all the other things i do for ‘his’ child that aren’t my job to do and to get his ‘real mother’ to do them, but my threats are empty as i STILL find myself doing them
Well that's your own fault then - STOP doing them and mean what you say.

Anyway, after 6 years together he still doesn't treat you with respect, you're not exactly a partnership, you do all the skivvying around after them....is this the future you want for yourself?
As for 'full time dad'...what does that mean exactly - he has main residency for his dc or that he doesn't have a job?

You sound like a fantastic step mum, and JUST what this child needs.
His father won't know that this is what his child needs until you show him the consequences of these actions not taking place.
No washing, no uniform washing, no cooking etc. When he comes home from school and wants to know what's for tea "not sure poppet, ask your dad/ring your dad at work and ask his plan".

You say you are fed up with nagging all the time to try and get these things done and being told not to by your 'partner', but then you stupidly carry on. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result.

Please, for the sake of this ten year old... show his dad how crap life would be without you picking up the slack.

Book a holiday for the first day of school, he’ll be well shafted.

If my opinion didn't matter then I wouldn't be bothering to parent the boy. His saying it's down to him, his the parent so let him be just that. I know it'll poss effect your relationship but let him be a parent in all aspects of the word. Don't cook, clean or bother with days out with the child and see what your partner says. Sometimes actions defo speak loud then words.

Your boyfriend could not be any clearer-he will not parent and he will not treat you with decency. So your options are -continue as you have chosen to do so for even more years, and whine about it. Or, -enjoy your life, ditch the boyfriend and live your life.