don't agree with his parenting

[tinkerbella85]

hi, so i've been with my partner 6 years he's a full time dad to a 10 year old boy and we all live together, lets just say the child hasn't had the best relationship with his mother and only stays at hers on weekends. for the past couple of months i've been arguing with my partner about the boys discipline, ive had to push to get him to do his homework and school reading, he spends the majority of his spare time on the xbox allowing him to be up late/early on it- ive known him sit 12 hours straight on the thing and literally having to force him to come off to eat and drink, also with the holidays he's been letting him stay up until midnight on it then i have to deal with his grumpy attitude all day cos hes tired, i understand its holidays but really hes 10! try and take him out on nice days and all i get is attitude, don't want to, too tired. struggling to get him to get baths and brush his teeth. i've tried talking to my partner about all this but all i get is he's my child i'm the parent, its down to me. like im not allowed to have an opinion on these things im just here to cook his meals and wash his clothes and tidy his bedroom, all we seem to do is fight about this and its really dragging our relationship down and i dont know what to do, am i the one out of order in this?

Oh dear. Not your circus, nor your monkeys. In a few years time your DP will be inflicting a massive PITA teenager upon the world. Do you really want to be around to beat witness to the shitshow?

I dread getting to the teenage years when he’ll turn round and say to me ‘you cant tell me what to do your not my mother

You're obviously not planning to leave the relationship, despite being treated like a cook/homework help/laundry maid... so get used to your OHs lack of respect for you.

Then his DS will do the same following his dad's lead and you'll have wasted more years of your life as general dogsbody.

People treat you how you let them. By staying put, the message you give is that it's okay to treat you like the help. It just comes across as being desperate for the relationship.

He won't end it, because you're too useful for now.

How can you be attracted to or respect a man who is such a poor parent...that he isn't bothered about his child's homework or his welfare?

can i just say thankyou so much to everyone for your words of advice im so grateful to how helpful you have all been, in the past few days me and my partner have done a lot of talking and hes finally acknowledged that this is a big problem for me n that we need to come up with a better way of running things, when his son has come home from school today weve sat him down and designed a tick chart that were going to put up on the fridge of all the things he should be doing on a daily basis - washing and bathing, brushed teeth, clean clothes and underwear, homework and reading, school dinner eaten and meals at home eaten, if one is missing a tick then he loses his xbox privileges for that day. lets hope we finally get somewhere with this issue 🙏🏻.

Hmmm, well good luck OP. I think you’ll need it. After 6 years of this dynamic there’s a very good chance this apparent change of heart is to shut you up so the clothes keep getting washed and the meals made and it’ll quickly slip back. Why would either of them really change?

You’ve had some really supportive comments here, it’s crystal clear to the objective people replying that you’re in a very unhealthy set up and while you deserve so much more your bar is currently very low for what is and isn’t appropriate behaviour from your “partner”. You can leave a relationship which isn’t making you happy or giving you what you need for exactly those reasons. It doesn’t have to be a certain level bad enough.

We have my step children here every weekend and an evening or night in the week. They’re children in my home and I play an active parenting role to them with full support, respect and appreciation from my husband. He’s their parent but a parental figure. That’s how it should be and I wouldn’t put up with expectations of skivvying and no say in how my household is run.

I have a son who had a gaming addiction. I still had authority when he was 10 but it was a full time struggle. This absolutely will not change unless tackled now. Every year will be harder.

so ive done the laundry today and purposely only washed my clothes, the rest can sit there in the basket until he decides to do them, also im playing crafty with meals and told him that im wanting to start this new healthy diet so ill be preparing my own meals for a few weeks, see how that goes.

Well done OP!

Brilliant, OP

@tinkerbella85

So it’s been just under a week since you brought in your new way of doing things...

Can we have an update please on how it’s going in your household so far?