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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Does anyone else wish their partner didn't have children sometimes?

39 replies

SpoiltDog · 27/08/2019 12:18

It sounds awful but I'll explain...

Day to day life, I love his kids. They are great and we get along so well.

But there are times when I wish I wasn't at the bottom of the pile in terms of priority.

Yesterday I was in hospital for a medical management miscarriage. I had to deal with that alone because his children were with him. I was vomitting and in a lot of pain.

Today I'm emotionally and physically drained and all I want is my partner to hold me whilst I cry but his kids are here and so I have to pretend to be fine. He's taken them out so I can be alone but that in itself is hard. I don't want to be alone, I want him. Just to myself for a day

His children should come first. I understand that and I accept that. But I'd be lying if I said there hasn't been times where I wished things were different. Where my partner could also be there for me in times like this etc...

OP posts:

Original poster

SpoiltDog · 27/08/2019 12:19

Partner could *always be there, not also.

OP posts:

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/08/2019 12:21

Ooh this is not going to end well. But yes, I have wished that sometimes. Especially when I'm cleaning skid-marks off the loo or picking up someone's crap. I think we'd all be lying if we said that we found our partners kids easy 100% of the time. But I think you may get some interesting responses!

Sorry to hear your sad news. I went through the same many years ago, it's horrible.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/08/2019 12:22

I'm so sorry OP
I was coming on to yabu and you shouldn't have picked him etc but actually I think it's totally fair that going through aoss like this you should have been a priority. Presumably if the older kids were joint you could have asked family to have the kids yesterday so he could be with you and for them to help today. Did he even try to be there yesterday?

Original poster

SpoiltDog · 27/08/2019 12:24

It's hard to explain because I really don't feel this way 9.9 days out of 10. But just in this particular situation it got me thinking, I just wish my partner could have been there. And I could rely on him to be there for things like this in the future (fertility issues which are ongoing).

But he is a dad first and foremost which I do respect. I'll make absolutely clear that my partner nor his kids will ever ever know I've even thought this way one time. But it was so tough yesterday having to go through that alone and pretend like it's absolutely fine.

OP posts:

timshelthechoice · 27/08/2019 12:25

This is why I never dated a person who had kids when I was single and childfree. Sorry, but always felt I deserved more than bottom of the pile.

Original poster

SpoiltDog · 27/08/2019 12:25

Did he even try to be there yesterday?

He absolutely would have been if he could but he had to have his kids yesterday, there was no one else.

OP posts:

TwentyEight12 · 27/08/2019 12:46

I don’t see why you have to pretend that you’re ok when you have been ill and just had an operation and an emotional one at that, just because there are children around you. I don’t think it matters who’s children they are, if you are poorly, you are poorly. There’s no need to put a brave face on. No-one expects children or adults to put brave faces on when they are poorly, just because they are around others.

Just be yourself, if you’re feeling low and down, just be low and down. No need to put on a false mask just to keep the non poorly people around you happy and in the dark.

Chucklecheeks1 · 27/08/2019 12:52

I dont think this is a step kid issue. He should of been there for you and he should of made arrangements for the kids to have enabled that.

I say that as a mum and a step mum. Im so sorry for your loss xx

Drogosnextwife · 27/08/2019 12:55

Sorry you've had such a horrible time OP.
I would never become involved with someone who had children from a previous relationship. That makes me a massive hypocrite because I had a child when I met my dp. I just wouldn't want the complications that come with being a step parent. I know for a fact I couldn't love someone else's children the way I love my own children, and I think I would really resent them. Again, I realise how hypocritical that makes me.

Original poster

SpoiltDog · 27/08/2019 12:56

Twenty, it's not just that I feel poorly. They know I feel poorly and that's why I've been in bed. It's the emotional side. I keep crying and getting upset and I don't feel it's appropriate in front of the kids. They aren't old enough to be told the truth about what's happened so I feel like I do have to 'pretend' to a certain degree.

OP posts:

Beamur · 27/08/2019 13:06

I know what you mean.
You know and accept the baggage that comes with loving someone who already has a family but some days it's harder than others.
So sorry for the loss you've had.
I've been there, I have 2 SC's, had 2 miscarriages and also 1 DD. Am a bit further down this journey than you and there are ups and downs.
My SC's are truly lovely people and I've enjoyed knowing them but I would be lying if I said it had never occurred to me that my life would have been simpler if I'd not met their Dad.

susso · 27/08/2019 13:26

First of all OP, I am so sorry for your loss☹️ I experienced the exact same thing in March this year. On the day we were due to have medical management it was DP's time to have the children. Even through DP's ex is a really nasty piece of work and he knew the backlash he would get for rearranging days, he did it anyway. I understand that sometimes finding alternate care is near impossible and I'm so sorry that you had to go through it alone. However what I'm trying to say is that there is absolutely no reason for you to be at the bottom of his priorities. You do not have to come before or after his kids 24/7, you should all come equal. But, Sometimes the kids will need him more than you do and sometimes you will need him more than the kids do. Please don't live your life thinking the kids always have to come first because honestly they don't have to 24/7 and that's okay!

There have been many times when I've wished that I hadn't met DP or that he didn't have kids etc... but once I realised that it was okay for me to come before the kids and vice versa sometimes, it really did make me feel better.

I hope you feel better soon OP, please be kind to yourself xxx

sassbott · 27/08/2019 13:34

Oh OP. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss.

Yup, if no one else could help, he had to have his children. And they are his priority. They always will be. It’s very tough, as when you get into a relationship with a parent, they are only so available. They cannot just drop everything to be with you and support you, because the world carries on turning. And a lot depends on the relationship they have with the ex/ extended family.

I’m a mum and if anything like this happened with my exh partner, I would absolutely keep the children (change my plans) and let him be there for his partner. My ex-DP would always ensure he got his children. I think I would need to be near death for him to say ‘I can’t see my kids, I need to be with you.’ He even left me poorly once in bed to get things ready for his children (because heaven forbid they came for contact and everything wasn’t perfect).

I am sorry for your loss Op. be gentle with yourself. And look after yourself. But at a wider level understand that you are signing up to a life of this. These boards are full with stories of how the other children come before even the joint child.

We all have these fleeting emotions. We’re human. But, this won’t get any easier x

TwentyEight12 · 27/08/2019 14:28

Spoiltdog - do they need to understand exactly why you are poorly/low/down/upset? What I am trying to say is, please don’t feel like you need to pretend... it’s ok to not be on top of it all and normal jovial Spoiltdog. I guess I’m saying, be kind to yourself.

Hope you recover soon x

Tyersal · 27/08/2019 14:44

This is a situation where you absolutely should have come first and your partner has let you down. Alternative child arrangements should have been made in these circumstances the same way they would if you had your own kids.

Sorry you had to go through this alone, hugs to you

Bibidy · 27/08/2019 15:27

Of course I wish that! Everything would be easier if my partner didn't have kids.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and I agree with comments above that he should have found a way to be there for you while you were in hospital, and now.

If you're miles away from their mum or any other family or friends who could have watched them then I understand, but otherwise he really should have been at your side at such a horrible time.

user1493413286 · 27/08/2019 15:29

I’m so sorry for what you’re experiencing. I often feel a bit frustrated that I’m at the bottom of the pile with much smaller things than what you’re going through. It’s ok to feel that way.

lunar1 · 27/08/2019 16:31

I'm so sorry for your loss, I had to face the same, I was in hospital alone with a misscarage while dh was at home with DS1. There isn't always someone to have existing children at short notice.

He also very nearly missed DS2 being born, he was waiting for child care to arrive for DS1 and got to the hospital less than 5 minutes before he was born.

Having children, even if they are your own can mean you have to be alone when you really need your partner.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2019 16:52

I’m so very sorry for your loss OP

I know your pain more than I can tell you and I’m glad you’ve had supportive answers here. Last year we had a lovely outing planned for them as a birthday treat which we had to cancel the day before because I’d had a Mmc diagnosed and an ERPC and was feeling like death. Not my first one sadly so I knew how I’d be feeling and shuffled around in my mega pad and pjs decorating cakes and hanging decorations so they’d still have a lovely day even though we couldn’t go out as I was in pain and DH didn’t want to leave me. I had a “sore tummy” (again) and we just got through it as best we could. It followed a fireworks night the year before where I bled waiting for a mc to pass while waiting for them to come home and then I put them to bed as it all got too much for him and he cried in bed We had a run of utter shite to go through for three years in the end before a miracle baby (and an awful lot of drugs) brought an end to it.

I never resented the kids but my god it hurt thinking I’d never have my own and still having the sacrifices of “family life”. Other people I knew having losses were able to book nice holidays to distract them or to help them recover, I was trekking to bloody football practice in the rain and spending most of my money on clothes for them and groceries. I’d get pregnant again and we’d plan how to tell them the news only to have it snatched away, again, and go back to the start.

You will feel less pain and heartache but it’s going to take time and self care and you have to be honest with him about what you need at times. Yes the DC are in your life and they’re a priority but no you don’t have to run yourself ragged putting them first at a greater cost to you than you can handle. Being a step parent is hard and having fertility issues and miscarriages is very hard and trying to juggle both takes a lot out of you. One of my lowest moments was my gorgeous DSD bringing me breakfast in bed, flowers and a lovely card on Mother’s Day and barely managing to give her a cuddle and a thank you before bursting into tears and then spending the rest of the day in bed mourning my lost babies. Even when they’re kind and amazing it’s difficult!

Sending you love and empathy and healing at this painful time x

Debbie01 · 27/08/2019 20:59

I agree with you and have been in somewhat the same position as you.
There are times that we just need them there for us without any other distractions. I guess we are selfish and many people will tell you that in here, but I think it's okay to want him for you only at times.
Hang in there, tell him how you feel. Perhaps he will understand.

summertime06 · 27/08/2019 21:07

I don't think this is about wishing your partner didn't have kids at all. Even if you both had kids together you'd want him to prioritise you at a time when you're going through such a horrible experience, and maybe get someone to babysit for a while so he can take care of you. Unfortunately if there's no one able to help out, then of course he has to look after the kids, whether they might be your joint kids or your step-kids.

Sorry you're going through such a bad time. Tell him that it would really help you if you could both have a bit of time together and see what he says, sometimes you just have to spell it out.

Londongirl07 · 28/08/2019 01:18

I think anyone will lie if they haven’t once wished this lol! Don’t feel bad hun, we are all human and have our wants and needs and yes it’s nice to be put first sometimes.

Chin up and rest up x

ButterflyOne1 · 28/08/2019 11:39

I'm sorry OP but your DP should have made you the priority. He could have got someone else to look after his DC whilst he cares for you. You have every right to feel this way.

As you've said generally you wouldn't think this way but I completely understand in the circumstances.

floodypuddle · 28/08/2019 16:15

I regularly wish this. I'm ashamed of it and I do love the girls but my god does it suck sometimes. I already know if my relationship ends is never be prepared to rank myself so low again.

VeganVeganVegan · 28/08/2019 16:19

Op I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not a step parent and never ever would be I just don't like other children. You should be the priority right now

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