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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Does anyone else wish their partner didn't have children sometimes?

39 replies

SpoiltDog · 27/08/2019 12:18

It sounds awful but I'll explain...

Day to day life, I love his kids. They are great and we get along so well.

But there are times when I wish I wasn't at the bottom of the pile in terms of priority.

Yesterday I was in hospital for a medical management miscarriage. I had to deal with that alone because his children were with him. I was vomitting and in a lot of pain.

Today I'm emotionally and physically drained and all I want is my partner to hold me whilst I cry but his kids are here and so I have to pretend to be fine. He's taken them out so I can be alone but that in itself is hard. I don't want to be alone, I want him. Just to myself for a day

His children should come first. I understand that and I accept that. But I'd be lying if I said there hasn't been times where I wished things were different. Where my partner could also be there for me in times like this etc...

OP posts:

wheresthehope · 28/08/2019 23:13

I am so sorry for your loss
You should have been priority OP.
Just because he has children and you knowingly got into a relationship so did he... I am 35 weeks pregnant now but I also had a miscarriage last year after ttc for a couple of years.
My partner has a DD from a previous relationship but I told him when I came home from the hospital I needed a couple of days to myself for us to get through it together.
Maybe I am selfish but I am human and sometimes we do need our partners to be there for us.

elizalovelace · 29/08/2019 11:40

Sorry for your loss OP. I am a step parent but I am absolutely not bottom of my husbands pile, nor him bottom of mine either. You deserve better.

Stickytoffeepuddingyum · 30/08/2019 13:12

I am sorry for your loss.

It can be difficult to feel as though you are not top priority in these situations, when my df was dying and then died (this was over the space of Friday to Sunday) i wanted my dh there but it was the kids contact weekend and he couldn't (wouldn't) rearrange. I felt quite angry about it for a while after but i did speak to him and said basically that i understand the kids are top priority 90% of the time but there are times when in fact i need to come first.

It has been the only time in 10 years this has happened and he did apologise for not being more supporting me.

I think you need to explain how you feel to him

Frankola · 30/08/2019 16:44

This isn't a sc issue this is a partner issue.

Your partner should have been there for you yesterday. He should have made alternate arrangements for his kids and switches their days etc.

Appalling behaviour from him

SandyY2K · 30/08/2019 21:34

Being a planned medical procedure, why couldn't he arrange alternative care for the kids?

Or, as it was planned and you both knew he would have the kids, if he was unable to make alternative arrangements did you consider getting a friend/family member to be with you, rather than being all on your own?

Madrepreoccupata · 01/12/2022 06:39

Hi, I’m just looking for advice.
my partners ex had bad gender disappointment and had a boy instead of a girl. Up until about 6 months ago the kids had long greasy matted messy hair that kept getting in his eyes and giving him ear infections etc. My part we and I have cut it short now(she wasn’t too happy) but she’s been dressing him in leggings and putting nail polish on him. He tells us he’s a girl constantly.
how do I go about this situation as it is very confusing for this child

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 08:51

Madrepreoccupata · 01/12/2022 06:39

Maybe start your own thread. You have posted on someone else's and it may cause upset to them as it is about a subject they may not wish to have bought up again.

Quiegal · 01/12/2022 11:07

My DS's Dad wife lost a baby and I didn't even know. Until picking up my DS from him and actually I was upset for his wife. I had to take my DS school that morning and had to ask the school to keep an eye on him. It was a bit more upsetting as to why she lost it.

My ex could of told me what happened and knowing I had a previous stillbirth he could of said to leave that weekend and look after his wife.

It's about DP speaking up and asking for help with his DC with this kind of circumstances he should of been there for you. I don't think it's appropriate his DC were around you after that.

Maybe he was also using them as a distraction from his own feelings too.

Madrepreoccupata · 01/12/2022 12:08

I’m new to the site so didn’t realise I did that.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 05/12/2022 11:34

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

You definitely aren't alone. I take to lots of stepmums who wish their partner didn't have kids. (even when they really like the kids!)

Sending love x

wickedstepmothfker · 05/12/2022 13:17

Sorry for your loss 🙁. Last time I had a situation similar (I had a tennis ball sized ovarian cyst removed), I told DH in no uncertain terms despite his protestations that I wanted some peace time to recover and to rearrange his weekend. Two things: I would have done it in a heartbeat for my ex when I was a single mum and, my DH didn't have a leg to stand on when he asked "What would you do if she was our child?" and I responded "She'd be going to grandma's" 😈

nameymcnamechangling · 05/12/2022 21:03

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how you must feel at the moment.

As a mum and step mum, I would fully expect DH to find alternative care for all children for a few days to allow me to heal and for us to grieve as a couple.

Of course children are the main priority most of the time, I don't think this is one of them. When the children have flown the nest, the partner will still be there. That relationship needs to be valued and nurtured too in order to survive. I would ask DH for some time together to process and grieve together as the only people who will feel the pain in its fullness.

Wishing you a speedy recovery to health and strength x

hourbyhour101 · 06/12/2022 18:26

I don't want to be that person

But this thread is from august and is of a slightly emotive subject and it maybe one that op doesn't want popping up again and reminding.

That said I'm glad that the comments on here are kind and I hope op has found some peace.

PeppermintChoc · 06/12/2022 18:48

I had a pregnancy loss and remember being in so much pain (thought I was miscarrying it was actually an ectopic that did rupture) and I desperately wanted DH to take over with my DS but he couldn’t because he was consumed with SS. It was awful. I understand exactly how you’re feeling. I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Sometimes adults do and should come first and this is one of those times. The kids should be able to understand they’re not always a priority.

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